I have dealt with anxiety my entire life. It isn’t debilitating and I manage it well, but every once in a while I start to notice that familiar feeling of fear and stress rise up within me. Because it doesn’t happen often, I tend not to notice it until it has taken a firm grasp over my day.
It was just the other day that I noticed I was struggling with anxiety again. The anxiety stemmed from somewhere it never has before. It grew out of mothering two kids and it reared its ugly head whenever I planned to leave the house. It has been easy to ignore until now. I could easily blame our recent colds for keeping us home-bound. But now that we’re starting to feel better and the weather is absolutely gorgeous, I have little excuse for keeping all three of us home and in pyjamas all day instead of walking to a nearby park or taking the ferry to meet my husband for ice cream after work.
I really started to name this monster as I started to plan my first post-partum run. Last year, I got into running and absolutely loved it. It was the perfect way to emotionally and mentally heal from the miscarriages that made my body feel like a complete failure. I ran my first 5K race a few weeks into my pregnancy with Gavin and then I gave up running for the rest of the pregnancy. Oh, how I missed it! I talked all nine months about getting back into it, once I was healed from childbirth and given the go-ahead from my doctor.
Well, I was given permission to start running last week, and I started to prepare. I went out and got some running clothes that would actually fit my post-partum body. I created a playlist and charged up my iPod. I chose a running program, broke up my Garmin, and programmed it with the workouts. I was all ready to go.
…except I wasn’t. I was scared. Anxious.
Running for the first time is always a scary experience. There is fear of failure. Fear of pain. Fear of making a fool of yourself. Each fear is understandable. I’ve had all of those fears before.
But I wasn’t scared of those things. Not this time.
This time, I was just scared about going out. I was scared about leaving my husband at home with both kids. I was scared about leaving the newborn. I haven’t done this before. What if I am needed? I am sure I will be needed.
And then I realized that this anxiety wasn’t new. I’ve been feeling it every time I told myself that I should take the kids to the park or into the city to see their Daddy. I am scared about trying to put real clothes on this unfamiliar body of mine. I am overwhelmed by getting both children ready to go. I am anxious about only having a stroller with one seat. What if the baby gets uncomfortable in the wrap? What if walking with a wrap while pushing a stroller is too much?
It all feels like too much; all the what-ifs.
The hardest part is walking out the door.
I think that is how it is every time we do something new, though. Once we walk out the door, we’re committed. We will see it through. But opening that door and stepping into a world beyond the safety of our four walls? That is scary.
Last night, I did it. I walked out the door and I walk/ran for the first time this year. And everything was okay.
And now, a new journey has started.
What are you avoiding? What are you hiding from? In what ways do you need to be kicked out that front door? If I did it, you can do it too. Just get out that door!
In fact, I think I’m even going to try to take the kids for a walk today too… (cue anxiety!).
way to go Laura. I felt like crying when I read your post because this is exactly the way I feel. I have my own ‘anxiety issues’. I have my own things I need to work through. Thanks for sharing your life happenings, it sure does help.
Thanks Sarah. I’m glad that I am able to share something similar to what is going on in your life, but I am sorry that you go through anxiety stuff too. I’ll pray for both of our anxiety issues! xo
Laura recently posted..Get Out That Door
Yay! Glad you got back out there for that first run!!!
Thanks! I’m so glad I did it too! Can’t wait to accomplish more!
Laura recently posted..Get Out That Door
What a brave move! Congratulations, Laura, and I hope your future runs get easier and more fulfilling, too. As someone with agoraphobia (it comes and goes), I can wholly relate to your anxieties about leaving. In general, I’ve found that once I force myself to go out and do something, the empowerment makes me want to keep doing it, and I start pulling myself out of that black hole. Then something comes up that confines me to the house again — company whose visit I need to prepare for, a sickness, the weather, etc. — and my agoraphobia returns in full force. So the fact that you pushed yourself to go for a run? You’re my hero!
Katie B. of HousewifeHowTos.com recently posted..Saving Produce: The Master List
Aww, Thanks Katie. I don’t know if I’ve ever been someone’s hero before. ;) But really, I think what you said is exactly the way I feel too. Getting out and doing something for the first time (perhaps in a while) is the hardest part. I hope you’re in a place where you are feeling comfortable to leave the house! xo
Laura recently posted..Get Out That Door
Laura, you’re a mom. You’ve been someone’s hero since the moment your first child arrived in the world. And you always, always will be. :)
Katie B. of HousewifeHowTos.com recently posted..How To Clean Trash Cans
Ahhh, I understand this feeling all too well. I’ve tried various methods to escape the stress and just walk through it, but there are days when it just takes hold of my body. It can be incredibly debilitating but it’s reassuring to hear that you are able to work through it, too, and live the life you love. Congratulations to you. Just remember to take it one step at a time :)
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Thanks so much Charlotte! I’m sorry that you also understand this feeling, but I suppose that means it is normal.
Laura recently posted..Get Out That Door
Ahahaha, yes. We recently discovered that there’s a clearing right to he edge of the lake and it’s about 5 min down he road so I want to work on taking the kids out for an early morning walk… or maybe not early morning, but morning – on a daily basis… 3 little boys, 1 mummy, 1 stroller – eek@
Oh man, good luck with that! We are so near so many parks with excellent walking paths to get there. But it is just so hard to get out of the house and actually DO it. I will say, this afternoon, I took the baby in the Moby, the toddler in the stroller, and we took the ferry over to Halifax for ice cream and dinner on the boardwalk. Although, when the baby became inconsolable for a while, I questioned leaving the house.
Laura recently posted..Get Out That Door
Wow, ferry and a restaurant! Good for you!
The “restaurant” was just a food stand on the waterfront. We sat on a picnic table and still disturbed everyone around us!
Laura recently posted..Little Too Big
Haha, lol. Well, I’ve been getting out with the big stroller a few times. Only once this week cause I’ve been tired, but I’m developing a new routine on nice days, where the kids run around the playground and I can actually have quiet time. We bring snacks and books and have story time as well. Best of all worlds :)
I’m so very proud of you for getting out there and doing it. Congratulations!!
Kimberly recently posted..Brothers
Thanks Kimberly! I’m pretty proud of myself too actually! :)
Laura recently posted..Get Out That Door
That is wonderful to hear that you are back to running so soon after giving birth :)
It is motivating for sure!
I hope your runs continue to go well
Thanks Mandy! I think it is so important to give our bodies the time it needs to heal after birth, but also to understand that our bodies are not solely ours after giving birth. I waited almost 8 weeks to start running, and will wait a few more before I start dieting out of concern for my milk. But it is fun to get out there again. As I was (running) walking along the lake I was just thinking about how much I missed it and how nice it was to have some quiet alone time! :)
Laura recently posted..Get Out That Door
Go you!!
I haven’t braved going out on my own with the 2 boys yet. The baby refuses to be slung which means he’ll have to go into the stroller, and the toddler will have to walk. That alone strikes fear into my heart because it means I’ll have to keep a close eye on him so he doesn’t wander off or run into the road. Also, we haven’t put his car seat back into my car yet (and we have to drive everywhere here!). I have ventured alone with the baby though. We went for breakfast with friends. That’s about all I can manage for now. Tomorrow, I head for my 6-week postpartum checkup. I hope to get the all clear to workout so I can get a run in! (I haven’t run in THREE YEARS)
Alison@Mama Wants This recently posted..I Want
Sounds like going out is a real overwhelming experience! Having a baby in a stroller and a toddler running around really makes you consider getting a toddler leash doesn’t it? :) My biggest concern is that the toddler will get too tired if we’re walking far distances.
How did your 6-week appointment go? Did you get the go-ahead to go for a run? Have you tried one yet? Good luck!
Laura recently posted..Little Too Big
I can’t wait to start running again once I have this baby. I was getting back into a regular exercise and workout routine before I found out I was pregnant. When I was doing 5K training I noticed a huge difference in how I felt at the end of the day and my stress level. SO proud of you for getting out there and tackling it! Way to go!
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It is true. I love that I am now running again. I am not quite at the point where running makes me feel great yet, but I know it will come.
Laura recently posted..Little Too Big
I also have my anxiety issues, and sometimes it is a bit for me to figure out what the major cause is. In situations like those I will just to the gym and do intense workouts to get over the anxiety, or I will go running. I am so happy that you are back to hitting the road after giving birth.
Sometimes working out through the anxiety is the best cure of anxiety.
Laura recently posted..Little Too Big
It’s amazing how once you actually go, it works out just fine. But I struggled with this SO MUCH last year too. What if she cries? What if she’s hungry or poops or spits up while we’re out? How do I lift the carseat and put it in the stroller & grab the diaper bag and blankets and my purse? The more I thought about it, the more anxious I got. But once I just did it, I realized “Oh, that was easier than it was in my head.” So keep truckin’ mama.
Rach (DonutsMama) recently posted..My Summer Plans & Where I’ve Been
Yes, the worst part DEFINITELY happens before you even leave the house. It is the negative self talk and imagining things going worse than they ever do.
Laura recently posted..Little Too Big
Way to go! While I’m not a runner, you’ve echoed so many things that I have been battling, myself as I navigate this world with two children, one very, very new.
I find myself dreading a trip to any store with the preschooler and the newborn, together. I’ve done it with one, or the other, but I have yet to do it with both.
I dreaded grocery shopping with both too, but as soon as I started doing it, I realized that we could easily make it work for us. I have ad very little negative store experiences since. I just plop the infant carrier on the top of the cart (it will clip into the rack) and then place the toddler in the big basket of the cart. He sometimes likes to walk, but thankfully has preferred riding, which makes things so much easier.
The trick is making the older one your helper. Then they have a job and they become focused on that.
Laura recently posted..Little Too Big