Monday was a holiday. As luck would have it, three of my bestest friends from high school and university were in my city at the same time and were able to get together for brunch. They each live their lives in different cities across our vast country, and the city I live in isn’t even the town where we grew up, so it was incredible that we were able to meet all together.
There were nine of us sitting around that restaurant table. The four of us from high school, two husbands, one boyfriend, and my two babies. My heart was so full of joy as we hugged, caught up, and ate together. These people were my entire life for so long. And now that our lives have fanned out, we reconnect, bringing in those new parts of our lives to share.
This get-together was particularly exciting for me because I was able to introduce my friends to my new baby. They had each met Cameron before at least once, but now I was able to show off the newest addition to my growing clan. In fact, for what might have been the first time for some, my friends were able to witness me as I am now; a Mom. In the midst of showing off Cameron and Gavin, Dan and I were still on the hook for parenting. We had to speak firmly to Cameron a few times and there were a few fussy moments with Gavin. I breastfed Gavin and then stood up and bounced him on my shoulder until he fell asleep. We did what we do every day, just with a fancier breakfast, a little bit of makeup, and real clothes.
As brunch drew to completion and my companions began to leave the table to pay their bills, my friend Jocelyn turned to me and asked “Are you happy?”
I remembered back to a class that each of us took in high school. It was a class about living life and it was a favorite of grade eleven and twelve students. One day, the teacher mentioned that happiness should be the ultimate goal in life. No, I argued. Not happiness. If happiness is the ultimate goal, then life will undoubtedly be a failure. We can’t control everything that happens to us, and sometimes emotional reactions other than happiness are completely legitimate. Happiness is a feeling and feelings are fleeting.*
My life took such a different course from my other three friends sitting around that breakfast table. Although we were all high achievers when our friendship began, my university degree pales in comparison to the education that they can each boast. And their jobs are much more prestigious than any I have ever held. They will all hit levels of success in their lives that I am unsure if I will ever attain.
But my life is different from theirs in other ways too. Out of the four of us, I am one of two who are married. And I am the only one (as of yet) who has babies.
How do I measure happiness? Is this what I wanted for my life? Absolutely. Is this how I thought life would turn out? I’m not quite sure. Have I attained all of the obvious levels of success that I dreamed for myself as I graduated from high school with my best friends? No.
Am I happy?
I have spent four years of my life growing a family with a man who loves me. I have two gorgeous little boys who love and need me. I spend my days trudging through the muck of parenting receiving the greatest blessings I have ever experienced. My job isn’t high paying, but it is important. My success is measured in little boy smiles. I get paid in hugs and kisses.
So when Jocelyn asked me if I was happy while I rocked my tired little newborn to sleep in the middle of a breakfast restaurant, I did not need to think about my answer.
“Yes,” I said. “So happy. So unbelievably happy.”
*I argued that the goal of life should instead be joy or contentedness, which can be attained even while unhappy. Joyfulness or contentedness are both attitude choices despite our situation, not a feeling reaction to our situation. They encompass gratitude and an awareness of the blessings in life that are sometimes hard to find. Alas, I could not get my teacher to concede.
So glad you’re happy, as you should be.
Alison recently posted..This City
Thanks. Sometimes it takes a lot of reflection to realize that although I didn’t expect my life to turn out this way, I love the way my life turned out. I hope you’re happy too! :)
Laura recently posted..Am I Happy?
I’m happy too.
Love you.
Best comment ever. Makes me even happier. I’m glad you’re happy. So glad. I love you too.
Laura recently posted..Am I Happy?
I can so identify with this post. Josh and I talk about this all the time. Neither of our lives went exactly the way that we had planned, but are we happy? Most definitely. He joined the Navy and then got out because, despite how well he was doing, he was gone ALL the time (3 1/2 out of 4 years). It took him years to find out what it is he REALLY wanted to do, and he’s working hard to get there (something we are so proud of him for). Me? I was on my way to a nursing degree when I met Josh. I wanted to travel nurse and move all over the country (my goal was to land myself in NYC and score a full time position while going to school for a Master’s Degree at NYU). Needless to say, I met a boy, fell in love, gave it up to follow him around wherever the military sent us and was blessed with a sweet baby boy. It’s not what I had envisioned for myself and there are days where I wonder if I missed something by getting married so young and not finishing school first. But, then I look at the business I’ve built and the beautiful family I’ve got and I know that there’s nothing else that I want to be doing. :) Yep. I’m definitely happy.
Courtney recently posted..Within an Inch of my Sanity
For me, I know there is more I would like to be doing. There are some dreams that have never been realized and might never be now. But, at the same time, I don’t know what I would change. If I changed my schooling, I never would have met Dan. And then this family would have been entirely non-existent. When I really examine things, I realize that I wouldn’t change a thing. I wouldn’t want to risk this marriage and these kids. They are my joy.
Laura recently posted..Am I Happy?
Too bad your teacher couldn’t agree. Chasing happy will inevitably lead to emptiness and disappointment. Choosing joy is harder said than done, but won’t disappoint!
Exactly. Unfortunately my teenaged self couldn’t put it so succinctly. Our society places happiness on such a pedestal. I often wonder if this is part of the reasons why marriages are so quick to crumble. So many people look for someone who makes them “happy”, when no one should be responsible for that. Another discussion for another time, but the happiness debate always leads me to this thought too.
Laura recently posted..Am I Happy?
I agree with your previous commenter: “chasing happy” vs. “choosing joy.” There is such a big difference. I still fall into the trap of chasing happy – selfishly looking out only for myself. But choosing joy despite circumstances is so much better. I didn’t finish school because I met my husband and there are lots of times where I wonder what life would be like if I hadn’t made that decision (and SO young!). But then I look at my two sweet boys and wouldn’t trade our life, with all its difficulties , for anything.
Emily recently posted..Catching Up
Yes. Exactly. The other day, I was talking to my husband and said “If I could change anything, I would have chosen to go to teaching school right out of high school instead of getting a bachelor degree first.” I wanted to be a teacher but wasn’t sure. I loved studying at a liberal arts university, but we have put off me getting an education degree for a number of reasons.
But then my husband said “but if that was the case, we would probably have never married.” And it is true. Part of our relationship story involves me moving to the city he lived in while we were dating. If I was getting my education degree, I never would have been able to do that.
So, because I don’t want to change any of my family now, I have to be content with my choices I made in the past that brought me here.
Laura recently posted..Am I Happy?
May I just compliment your high school self, for just a moment? Goodness but I didn’t realize “happy” was an impossible goal until I was much, much older. At least you started out adulthood with a reasonable expectation! Joy and contentment are exactly what I had to realize were more attainable… and I’m glad I finally got that lesson – it allowed me to settle down and truly appreciate the life I was living, instead of the life I thought I should be living.
It’s fun to keep in touch with friends, watch each other’s lives change and grow – I’m glad you’ve managed to keep juggling this, in addition to everything else in your life!
I admit it. I’m terrible at keeping up with old friends. In fact, I’m terrible at keeping in touch with my parents! But it is no reflection on my feelings for all these people. I feel blessed that there are some people in my life who I can see once a year and they still know they’re important to me, even if we’re not chatting all the time.
Laura recently posted..Am I Happy?
I was so so so so happy to see you and meet you new ‘entire’ family! I love that all of our lives have gone in different directions. No matter where life takes each of us, being able to reconnect is important, valuable, and exciting. You have the most beautiful family. Sometimes, I wish I had a husband and babies already. Instead, I’ve been chasing other things. But that is the thing I want more badly than anything else in the big picture of life. Someday. :-) In the mean time, know that I look to you as the one who is forging the path and the one I will call someday for baby advice! I think your life is absolutely perfect. Seeing you and Dan acting in your roles are parents was heartwarming. You are wonderful!! Can’t wait to spend more time with your family over the years.
xoxo
And I can’t wait to spend more time with you over the years! xo
It is funny, I really envy what you have too. You excel at what you do and are a strong, successful, beautiful woman. Often I sit back and dream about the life I would have had I pursued some of my other goals. What would my life be if I was “successful” by society’s standards?
Over the last few weeks/months however I am realizing that I am doing what I am passionate about. It just looks different than what I imagined it would. I have always loved writing, and here is my blog, making Reader’s Digest. That is CRAZY. In this very surreal way I’ve managed to bring together this family I love and this passion for writing that I have and I’ve made it something. And that is cool. It reminds me not to get down on myself for who I’m not.
When the time is right, I can’t wait to give you baby advice! :) Although, I’m sure your sister would be a good one to turn to too! :)
Laura recently posted..One Step