I have been trying to write a post for Thanksgiving all week. I want to adequately express what I am thankful for and I just have not been able to. It isn’t that I am ungrateful. I could write a list a mile long of the blessings in my life. But I am having trouble articulating this list in a heartfelt, honest narrative.
You see, right beside that mile long list of blessings is a longer and bigger list of complaints.
I am thankful for my baby BUT he won’t sleep!
I am thankful for my toddler BUT he doesn’t listen to me!
I am thankful for the roof over my head BUT I wish we our home was bigger and cleaner.
I am thankful for my husband BUT won’t someone please tell him how to use a dishwasher?!
I have never considered myself much of a complainer. I don’t shy away from it, but I usually try to maintain a positive outlook as much as possible. Lately however, I have been in a really dark place. I have been living in a body which prioritizes anger over concern for others. I sit with a baby cradled in my arms, an image of absolute perfection and bliss, and I feel my stomach harden because why won’t he sleep? and why is the toddler making so much noise in the other room? and WON’T THEY BOTH SLEEP AND SHUT UP NOW?!
I picture throwing my child into my husband’s arms as soon as he walks through the door after work, and running off for the rest of the evening. And then I hand the baby over to my husband and the baby cries so hard that I realize I am not going to be able to go anywhere soon.
I am run completely ragged and my patience is completely shot and I just know I’d rather be doing anything else but momming right now.
I love my kids. I love being a mother. I love my life. But I am so not in a grateful mood.
As parents of a toddler, we spend a lot of time reminding Cameron to be thankful. Usually Cameron has the perfectly polite reply, “Tane-tou Mama”, but every once in a while he needs to be reminded.
Gratitude is rarely our first response when we’re granted something awesome. It certainly isn’t our most natural inclination. Normally we just think about how incredible our life will become now that this awesome thing is in it. But when our world doesn’t dramatically change for the better, we’re left feeling dejected.
Unless we chose gratitude.
When we chose gratitude we realize that gifts go beyond their immediate effect on our lives. There is love in the act of giving. Life is actually made up of more beautiful parts than ugly.
It all depends on how we look at it.
We teach children to be polite because we want them to succeed in society. We need them to be well liked and fit in with social mores. But deep down, I don’t just want the words “Thank You” to be automatic on their lips. I want it to be a real heart thing. I want my boys to understand blessings and gifts and how beautiful life is because we are granted such things. I want them to live out an attitude of gratitude. And so, I constantly encourage Cameron to think thankful. “What do you say?”
That outlook changes the outcome of our lives.
I need to throw away the complain list and focus on the gratitude list. I need to take those extra hours of baby snuggles I am granted because he is sleeping less and remember that he will grow up way too fast. I need to watch my toddler learn and grow and never forget the magic of his childhood. I need to grab hold of my husband and recognize how much weight he lifts off my shoulders each time he walks through the front door.
I need an attitude of gratitude.
This blog post took a long time to write. I was working on it all last week. I really was in a dark place. I was so worn down that my body got sick. It wasn’t until after I recovered from my physical illness that I was able to see things a little differently and finish writing this post. I truly believe that our attitude helps define our outlook. I also believe that sometimes, no matter how hard we try, that attitude can be really hard to come by. If you’re feeling how I did at the beginning of the post, give yourself a break. Allow yourself some grace. I am okay now. I hope you will be too.
Beth says
How often you speak right to my heart! Thank you for your transparency and vulnerability.
Laura says
Aw. Thank you Beth. I’m so glad I’m able to connect with people on a heart level through this blog.
Laura recently posted..Thankscomplaining
Alison says
We’re like the same person. Except you said this better than I could ever have.
The baby has a cold, and for the last 24 hours, have slept as little as possible. Which means I have been getting even less sleep than usual (which is practically nothing). I wanted to scream and shout last night (may have done a little of both), but today, I decided to not be angry. It’s not his fault that he’s not well, and not sleeping. He’s just a baby. And he was probably feeding off my angst.
Tonight, after only a combined 90 minutes of napping, he slept for 10 minutes at his usual bedtime. Instead of forcing the issue, I brought him out with me to living room and we hung out. Which was kinda nice. Then he just passed out on the couch. Which is also kinda nice for both of us. :)
Sorry you were sick and I hope you’re feeling back to your usual self again.
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Laura says
We’ve been dealing with colds and flus here too. And what seems like never ending teething. The two things that put me both on edge is not sleeping and cries. And there has been lots of both.
You’re right. Sometimes, when I just accept that what I want to happen isn’t going to happen and when I roll with it all and enjoy my babies in that moment, everything goes so much smoother and I can actually see how beautiful and awesome my life as a mother is.
I hope everyone in your family start to feel better and that sleep returns to better-than-normal.
Laura recently posted..Thankscomplaining
Leigh says
I think you’d be hard pressed to find a parent who doesn’t feel like this sometimes. Parenting is hard, and it’s difficult to be grateful when you’re chronically overtired and have a million things to do and kids who depend entirely on you.
Embrace the little things – the hugs and cuddles, smiles, milestones, dishes that actually get put in the dishwasher. ;) It all adds up.
Laura says
It is comforting to know that these feelings are all so very normal.
I think survival is dependent on embracing the little things. I sometimes just need push through a little harder to see those things to embrace.
Laura recently posted..Thankscomplaining
Wendy says
You
Are
My
Hero
Thanks for the reminder.
Laura says
You’re welcome. I think I need the reminder myself too. Daily.
Laura recently posted..Thankscomplaining
Katie says
Oh, this too shall pass, mama! I have been there and with a new baby coming I know I will go there again. So much happens especially in that first year of no sleep, constant nursing and throw a toddler in there somewhere and I am begging for more Jesus and a glass of wine. Sometimes when you feel like you’re going to snap, you really do just need to leave your husband with a screaming baby and walk away for an hour or two to regain sanity in a coffee shop, perusing the isles of Michael’s or taking some time to pray or get outside alone. They really never do shut up….ever! haha. Hang in there! You are doing a great job :)
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Laura says
Thank you so much for your encouragement Katie. I think the hardest part about walking away, even when I know I so desperately need it, is that in the back of my mind, I know how rough it will be at home for Dan. For as much as I have been having a hard time comforting Gavin, it is exponentially worse for Dan. And I know he is just as tired as I am. So leaving means I’m still worried about what is going on at home. But, I know every Mom feels this way. Tonight, I just left the house long enough to drive to the coffee shop, pick up a coffee, and drive home. Just being in a place where there was no noise and where no one could touch me for half an hour was healing.
Laura recently posted..Thankscomplaining
Gillian says
Oh yes, it’s a never ending battle. I have learned a lot about gratitude this year and so I would like to share something. For all those looking to nurture their own gratitude: http://www.aholyexperience.com/crazy-joy/
Laura says
Thank you Gillian. That is an excellent blog to share!
Laura recently posted..Thankscomplaining
Gillian says
You’re welcome :) The book is very transformative too.
Steph says
You took the words right out of my mouth – only better. It’s always great to know that I am not alone in my journey :)
Laura says
You’re definitely not alone in your journey. Thanks for reminding me that I’m not alone in mine either.
Laura recently posted..Thankscomplaining
Allyson says
Thanks for sharing this, Laura. I want to affirm Gillian’s comment and recommend the link to the blog, a holy experience, by Ann Voskamp, and the book produced from the blog, One Thousand Gifts. It’s been life changing for me.
Laura says
Thanks Allyson. I have looked a bit at Ann Voskamp’s book (and have the One Thousand Gifts iPhone app). I will keep a better eye on her blog, for sure! :)
Laura recently posted..Thankscomplaining
Steph VW says
I too have moments of losing my mind when my kid is being what I feel, frankly, is a complete sh*t. Yup, I said it. He can be a complete sh*t. He doesn’t listen, but it’s usually because he’s focused on playing. He gets involved and forgets the world around him. He doesn’t know that Mama has to be at work by 8:30am because he doesn’t know quite was Time is yet. I still love him to pieces, but I want him to listen. Break out of the reverie. Snap to it. Get ta steppin’, as my friend says.
And I’ve realized that I can be a complete sh*t as well. It took me some time and it took thinking back to my days as a nanny to discover that days go a whole lot better if I am well rested and properly fed. I have always been a person who doesn’t deal well with lack of sleep, and lack of food. I see it and feel it now more than I did when I was younger. I know that if I get up early on Saturday, that I need to have breakfast before I start grumping about the housekeeping. I know that I can’t cope with my kid when I’ve stayed up late chatting on the phone (which I did Saturday night and paid for it on Sunday).
I also know that my kid is the same way. So when he is losing his mind just before supper, I throw him a snack and am grateful that we have snacks for him. I am grateful for the way he is so intent on his play. For the way he says “thanks, Mama”. For the way he dawdles when putting on his shoes in the morning that is so very much like me. For the way he is loud and rambunctious like his dad was as a kid. All those things, when I am in a good place, a rested, fed, running on time place don’t seem so unmanageable. Because I am truly grateful for this little sh*t who is sleeping beside me right now. (Please excuse the language. My mom affectionately called me the same thing when I was a kid. To me, it means difficult, yet endearing.)
Laura says
Cameron hasn’t yet learned that I know what’s best. He considers everything I say to just be suggestion. So yeah. There are times I could affectionately use that term too! :)
It is hard being in a place where I want to be at my best for my kids but I don’t know how. Am I at my best for them if I stay up late doing all the things on the Internet so that I feel like I got my “me time”? Do I prioritize throwing a ball or filling the dishwasher? Do I eat first, nurse later or nurse first and eat maybe whenever I get a chance? Even if I go to bed as early as I possibly can, I am not guaranteed a good sleep.
But if I want to be extended grace, I need to extend my kids a little grace too. Because there are some days when we’re all little sh*ts. ;)
Laura recently posted..Thankscomplaining
Kate says
Parenthood is hard work, and finding the gratitude isn’t always easy. I think we’ve all been in that place that feels so dark and desolate and different things help pull us out. I’ve been there tons of times and it’s never easy to find the way out and see the goodness of the work we do, as parents.
Personally, I have to keep reminding myself that there is no real, “perfect” mother, and that the best gift I can give my daughters is honesty, stability and love. That means that sometimes I’m rotten to my 4-year old (who, admittedly, can be rotten, herself…) When that happens, I stop and apologize to her, because it’s the correct thing to do and it’s what I expect her to do when roles are reversed. I’m human, and she needs to know that I make mistakes, that I feel sad, angry, frustrated, tired, and crabby sometimes, and that just because I feel that way doesn’t mean I feel any differently about her, and it doesn’t change the balance of who I am. 95% of the time, I’m a patient, kind, loving, fun Mama. 5% of the time, I fight to be the person she sees in me, and that’s what keeps me going.
Hang in there, Mamas. Life’s tough, sometimes, but the balance is good.
Laura says
I hate that I have to apologize to my son sometimes. I don’t hate the apologizing. I hate that I HAVE to. I hate that I can’t be perfect and that I can’t be everything he (they) need. But you’re right, it is good for them to see my humanity and my weakness and to watch me deal with it. I hope I can deal with it in the best way.
Laura recently posted..Thankscomplaining
Natalie says
Wow such a moving post…I couldn’t have said it better. You are such a great writer and always express your feelings so well. I totally get this post since I have the toddler and newborn…thank you for validating my feelings!
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Laura says
Natalie, this was the sweetest comment. Thank you so much. I’m glad I could validate your feelings. Thank you for validating my writing!
Laura recently posted..Thankscomplaining
Rachel says
Ah! Yes to the feeling of run-ragged and the frustration that comes with it. I said to a friend last week “I am not interested in being ANYONE’S mother today.” And, I’m also in the Ann Voskamp fan club. The idea of “eucharisteo” – recognizing each moment as a gift of God’s grace and giving thanks for it, was so life changing to me that I got a tattoo of it – my ever present reminder that there is SOMETHING, right NOW to be thankful – even if I have to really search for it. In Ann’s words “God gives gifts and I give thanks and unwrap the gift given: joy.”
I hope that joy is truly yours!
Rachel recently posted..7 years!
Laura says
Thank you. Getting to be the mother to these two precious little boys seriously is the greatest blessing. But sometimes I just need a little break in order to remind myself how much of a blessing it is! ;) I’m glad you understand. And also, I’m sorry you understand.
Laura recently posted..Thankscomplaining
Kiran says
We all have days or phases where we are like this. Because life is hard, and it’s hard to be a grown up and do all these thing like laundry and child rearing and keeping a house running while making sure the bills get paid on time. I mean, seriously? When the heck did that happen? I try to be grateful everyday for our health – I think that’s the one thing I have learned as I have seen friends struggle with sick children or sick spouses (like really sick). I try to remember how little time we all actually do have on this Earth. I do try to remember all those things. But I still have days like yours. It makes us human.
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Laura says
Thank you for your kind response and for helping me put things into perspective. The truth is, we are SO blessed, aren’t we? It just takes a little change in attitude to remember that sometimes.
Laura recently posted..I Hoard Pregnancy Tests
Rach (DonutsMama) says
I so get this. I think it’s just really easy right now to be so overwhelmed with momming, as you put it. We’re in the trenches. I find myself complaining too much and constantly apologizing for who I am, for who my family is and I’m thinking that’s a bit unfair. I don’t like it. Gratitude is a hard lesson sometimes, but truly it makes things so much better. I”m glad you’re in a better place now. Don’t hesitate to reach out and I’ll be happy to remind you of the many good things you have. :)
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Laura says
Thank you so much Rach. And don’t hesitate to reach out to me either. Even though it might seem like I don’t reply right away. ;)
Never apologize for who you are or who your family is. You are incredible.
Laura recently posted..I Hoard Pregnancy Tests
Steph says
I had to read it again and it was even better…the dark places, the no sleeping, the never ending teething, the colds, it is so happening here too (we had the endless nursing). Thank you for being honest and sharing, your writing is a gift to Moms like me :)