One of my favourite parts of each day is that moment at the end when I am just about ready to call it a night. The chores are as done as they will ever be and the lights have been switched off. The last to go to bed, I very quietly head down the hall where the bedrooms are and open the door behind which my boys are sleeping. I tiptoe…tiptoe in. And there I stand, still for a moment, in the middle of their room, drinking in their perfection.
So perfect. So quiet and peaceful and still and I, in that moment, am able to experience all of their beauty. Every night as I stand in the middle of that bedroom, my heart holds about as much as it will ever be able to handle.
But for me, this suspended blissful reality usually only lasts until the moment I’m about to close my eyes. Somehow my little angels know just exactly when it is I am going to sleep and decide that they are done with it altogether.
One night last week, I was up eight (8!!!!) times between midnight and 7 am. Four times courtesy of each boy. And this is after I moved the boys into the same room after thinking that Gavin was finally sleeping through the night. (And after I gave up coffee for Lent.)
Regardless of what stage of sleep (or lack thereof) you are at with your little one, here are some great tips to remember when you’re trying to survive those sleepless nights.
1. Throw away your expectations. Don’t compare your friend’s baby’s sleep habits to those of your own. Don’t even assume that your second baby will sleep just like your first did. Come to each child with a fresh perspective and really focus on your child’s sleep rhythms and needs before creating a sleeping plan. In fact, now that you’re a parent the only thing you should be expecting is to never sleep again. (Just kidding… or am I?)
2. No sleep solution works perfectly for every single baby. This goes for all solutions. As I continue to struggle with sleep in my household, I get a lot of suggestions to co-sleep and bedshare. I know this can really be a perfect plan for many families, and it has worked positively for us in the past, but the truth is, it isn’t foolproof. Gavin has always liked his space when it comes to sleeping and has rarely been able to enjoy a full night sleeping beside me.
3. Adapt sleep strategies for different stages. Newborns, specifically breastfed babies, should be waking often to eat. And even when your child starts on solids, it doesn’t mean they will start sleeping through the night (despite my husband’s sincerest wishes.) Don’t expect or even try to force your child to sleep through the night too early.
4. Children need more than just food at night. Someone once said to me “Get that baby sleeping already! He is too big to need to eat at night.” Although I know that Gavin is at an age and a weight where he no longer needs to nurse at night for sustenance, I know that both he and his brother need other things from me when they wake. Comfort, soothing, help to relax again, alerting that something is wrong – these are all legitimate needs that sleeping (and awake) children have.
5. Trust yourself. People (me included) are well meaning when they offer sleep advice but you know your baby and your self better than anyone. It is okay to follow your own inclinations. Don’t do cry-it-out if it will break your heart. On the other hand, don’t feel guilty sleep training if the sleeplessness is too much to handle. And don’t feel like you need to follow any plan step by step. Do what works for you and for your child.
Bonus tip: Even though those moments of sleeping bliss are magic, remember that it is when everyone is awake that relationships are formed and strengthened.
Want advice from another Mama? Alison from Writing, Wishing wrote a similar post recently about what she learned about baby’s sleep.
Check out these other times I have complained written about sleep:
The Sleep Lies
In and Out
Perfection
Yes, yes, yes~
All babies, and all Mamas are different when it comes to sleep. I function quite well on 4-5 hours interrupted sleep, but I know many people can’t and won’t. Some babies like to sleep with their mothers (my first did not, my second does), some don’t. We just have to go with the flow. It will come to pass. :)
Hope things have improved on your end!
Alison recently posted..Saying No
Also, thank you for the post shout out!
You’re welcome!
You mentioned another important thing to remember: Babies and children, like all of us, go through sleep cycles. They will wake in the middle of the night. In fact, there has recently been a study saying that humans are actually naturally inclined to sleep for 4 hours, be up for an hour or two, and then sleep another 4. We can’t expect young ones to sleep through the night if it is hardly natural for anyone.
Sometimes it is important to just teach kids to know how to deal with waking up between sleep cycles. Cameron has been waking up between sleep cycles in a very agitated state. He has been kicking and screaming and doesn’t want to be touched. It is tough to deal with (and explains a lot of everyone’s sleeplessness). After his first one last night, I snuggled him in our living room for a bit and asked him to try just relaxing the next time he woke up. Hopefully, that did the trick. Instead of freaking out 4 times a night like we’ve been experiencing, he only did it that once. Finger’s crossed that he’s learning to deal with those mid-sleep wakeups better.
Laura recently posted..Zzzonked – 5 Tips to Get Through the Sleepless Nights
Ahhhh. Great work tackling such a contentious topic. Somehow our babies sleep needs/habits are everyone’s main concern (and one of the first questions I was posed during my little ones first months of life). Honestly, the first 5 months were hellish – so deeply exhausting I would wake up shaking from the sheer panic of having to face another sleepless day. Seriously. But, we survived. And now we sleep. Glorious sleep will return.
While I completely agree that ALL children have very different sleep needs, I did find a few things particularly helpful in establishing good sleep habits (my daughter now sleeps 12-13 hours each night and 2-3 per afternoon). See I recognized that I have extremely high sleep needs, and the only way I could be a “present” and pleasant mother was if I got sleep. As controversial as it may be, we had great success with CIO. We talked with our doctor first, and she had not been eating in the night for months. The first night she cried for 45 minutes, and the next about 30 minutes. I don’t regret it at all.
A few other tips that worked for us (but certainly might not work for others!):
1) Use a routine. Bath, jammies, books, milk, brush teeth, bed, songs/prayer/goodnight kisses is our general guideline. It’s familiar, she knows what to expect, and it’s such a special family time together.
2) Sleep begets sleep. Keeping a child up late at night, or skipping naps is a surefire way to make them overtired. Our normal bedtime is 7:00 at the latest (at 2 YO.) – sometimes 6:45. I know that sounds crazy. Trust me…it works.
3) Use white noise. We have a fan running in her room; it also is supposed to reduce the risk of SIDS
4) Talk through the bedtime routine (for older kids). We have 4 ‘rules’: Lie down, close eyes, be quiet, go to sleep. She doesn’t actually “follow” the rules, but by talking about them at each nap/bedtime, I hear her cheerfully singing “close eyes” to herself when she goes to bed. I think it does help her calm down.
5) Check the temperature: in general I think we overdress our kids for bed. Overheating can really wreak havoc with a child’s sleep patterns.
A GREAT go-to guide for all Mom’s is the Babywise blog: http://www.babywisemom.com/ – this site has LOTS of information (read it with whatever parenting ‘lens’ you want). Even if you hate the Babywise books, there are some incredibly helpful suggestions here, and the website offers a great online forum that Mom’s can join that has literally changed my life! Literally. You can ask any question you want and get feedback from other moms.
A couple other good resources: http://www.mybabysleepguide.com/
Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Baby
The Baby Whisperer (she has a book for infants and for toddlers; both are good, although I’m not a fan of her writing style)
Moms on Call – I’ve never used this resource myself, but have heard AMAZING things about this from friends who claim they can work miracles. You can buy books, but they also host online seminars for different age groups and for a fee you can actually speak to one of the authors. I’m too cheap for those options, but I have heard nothing but good stuff…
Elisabeth recently posted..Parenting Fodder – Independent Playtime
Thanks for sharing what worked for you! We did CIO with Cameron around 8/9 months. (You can see my saga with it here: http://www.mommy-miracles.com/category/sleep). I used The Sleep Sense book as a guide, though I did modify it so that I felt more comfortable doing it.
Gavin has been entirely different. One night when he was a baby and he was crying in my arms before bed, I decided to lay him in his bed and realized that was what he wanted all along. He fell right asleep on his own. So he’s been awesome that way. But the waking in the night was getting to be an issue. And since he was sleeping in our room I heard every noise and jumped at it – and he could see me and knew that I would. For 2 nights, Dan and I slept in the living room so that Gavin wouldn’t see us when he woke and we followed the 5 minute rule (don’t react to baby for 5 minutes in the middle of the night.) Often they are just in between sleep cycles and will fall asleep on their own. If it took longer than 5 minutes, then I went in to him. It only took 2 nights to get him to stop nursing in the middle of the night and to sleep through (again, around 8/9 months). Then I moved him into Cameron’s room.
After that, with some teething and sickness he got used to needing me at night and if I left him to cry, Cam had a terrible night and was BRUTAL the next day. So I was running at Gavin’s every sound again. And he wouldn’t be happy with me unless I was nursing him. That led to the 8 wakes last week. After that, I decided to stop the nursing again. So for the past few nights I’ve been bringing Cameron to my bed and then comforting Gavin but putting him back to bed without nursing. This time he’s smarter than last and I was going back and forth into his bedroom for two hours at a time before he finally slept. But he slept through the night again last night, so we’re on track!
I have another post coming on sleep for older kids where I will be talking about a lot of what you’ve mentioned.
I think you are 100% right on the sleep begets sleep thing. I want to shake parents when I see “Baby had a longer nap than normal today. Tonight’s going to be terrible.” or parents who try to wake babies from naps so they will sleep better. Kids can’t settle if they are overtired, and that is super important to remember.
Laura recently posted..Zzzonked – 5 Tips to Get Through the Sleepless Nights
It’s crazy what we hear as Mom’s eh?! Anytime we have company and sleep in the guest room (which is also where Abby sleeps), I have a horrific nights sleep. While she doesn’t necessarily ‘wake’ up, she is restless in the night and even mumbles in her sleep. I’m a wreck, because I now am SO sensitive to noises from her that I wake even if she’s just breathing more heavily!
I’m also a huge advocate of the 5 minute waiting period (Bringing up Bebe talks about it being very common in France) – I can’t tell you how many times I’ve left her for 5 minutes and had her go back to sleep – usually she’s just between sleep cycles.
Elisabeth recently posted..Parenting Fodder – Independent Playtime
Thanks Laura – I needed to hear this! I’ve been feeling a lot of pressure lately bc Hannah isn’t sleeping through the night and have heard/read much of the she doesn’t need night feedings, you have to let her cry it out, etc. I know all this advice is well-intentioned, but we’re just not ready to let her cry it out yet, as frustrating as the sleepless nights can be! A good reminder to trust my instincts and do what’s right for our family!
Amelia recently posted..Entryway Inspiration
She’s only six months, right? YOU know both of you best and you know what you’re ready for. I tried to do CIO with Cameron once when he was 6 months and it went so horribly for both of us. We weren’t ready for it and it actually set us back a bit with the sleeping.
Keep listening to your instincts. They’re right. And when you get to the end of your rope with the wake ups, your instincts will also lead you in the direction with how you want to deal with it. Stay strong, Mama! And good luck with those sleepless nights.
I think that the most important thing to remember is that each child is different and that each baby will do their own thing. As similar as my two boys are, they are SO different. Noah was a terrible sleeper, but so far Jonah is much better. I tend to ignore people who offer sleep advice (and most any advice on parenting for that matter unless I specifically ask for it…isn’t that horrible?!) because they just don’t know my kids the way that I do. Great post! Can’t wait to read more of your sleep posts this week!
Courtney Kirkland recently posted..Two Boys…
bottom line. trust yourself to know what’s best. that’s the thing moms (and dads) struggle most with I’ve found. great post! it’s all so true.