I thought it would be the run that night that saved me. It had been a day; a day where I was the one apologizing to my kids. The toll of parenting these three kids, one of whom is a newborn, day and night manifested itself through me in anger and swear words and aggression and exhaustion. One request too many for a cookie after an uneaten meal resulted in a crying kid being put in his room, not because he needed to calm down, but because I did.
It isn’t the three kids that do this to me. It is just being in the trenches of parenting. I remember feeling like this after one and two kids too. I don’t think it is because I am a bad mom. I am just a human mom who is currently at everyone’s beck and call running on too few hours of sleep.
When I admitted to my online friends how much I was struggling that day, so many of them reassured me that it was normal. Three kids even seemed like the magic number to trigger regular trips to a therapist, if the majority of my friends are to be believed. When my husband’s text in the middle of the day asked what I needed, my answer was simple: I needed to get out of the house and be alone for a while.
Please, let me be alone. Away from the constant needing and touching and noise.
So that night I got out, by myself, and went to the gym. I jumped on the treadmill and watched some cable tv (a novelty for me). As I was putting on my boots in the change room after my workout, I saw a familiar face. I smiled and said “hi”. She wasn’t a close friend, but we were connected through Facebook after our children went to the same daycare for a time. She was with another woman who also was a Mom from that same daycare, though I had not met her before. We chatted on the way out of the change room, exchanging niceties and asking about each other’s children. As we drew closer to the doors that would lead us to the parking lot, we slowed to a stop and kept talking. It was easy to talk, especially with the common daycare experience.
I have never found it easy to make good friends. I think I’m friendly, but I never know how to take it to the next level. I always worry that I am being presumptuous or that people don’t really like me or that I won’t have anything to say. So I wait to be approached and I wait to be invited, which I suppose is one of the reasons why I find it hard to make friends.
For as much as children make me crave adult friendship, they also blessedly make it easier to talk to other moms. It is clear that we have an obvious common interest. This is never more obvious when pregnancy or a newborn is involved. For as much as the asinine pregnancy comments annoy me, it is incredibly sweet that people suddenly become exponentially more friendly when you have a big round tummy. And even us introverted mommies need a friend.
Every day I talk to incredibly amazing women online. They are true friends, but there is no face to face connection. And maybe I am starting to realize that I need that. Maybe, when I so desperately just need to be alone, I really don’t want to be alone at all.
I have been craving adult companionship lately. I don’t want to miss swimming lessons because I’ve come to love my hour-long discussions with the other Mom with a newborn. I look forward to sitting with a couple of other hockey Moms at practice. I’ve even made myself go out on a limb, clicking “yes” to Facebook invitations for a local book club where I don’t know anyone and a hockey mom outing where I’ll barely know anyone. While I have friends who live in this city, they’re pretty much all a half hour drive away, requiring planning and schedule juggling, and it has been nearly impossible to see them during this long winter while my time has been co-opted by a newborn. What I wouldn’t give for a friend or three in my own community – someone to go for a run with, or even a walk around the block. Someone I could run into at the gym or the library. Someone with kids in the same programs as mine. Someone to share a coffee with without needing a day’s notice.
When I came home from the gym that night, I felt refreshed and invigorated. But it wasn’t the run that did it for me. It wasn’t even being alone. It was because I spent time talking with other women.
I guess that even while I’m surrounded by so many people here at home, I might just be lonely.
Oh boy do I remember those days with little ones.
This is such a beautiful post Laura and I remember and relate to so much of it. I remember those intense baby days and all the touching and needing and ahhhh. I relate to wanting to connect with other women but not knowing how to make friends or how to take it to the next level. Seriously. You wrote about it so beautifully.
I’m glad you are getting out and finding people and connections that make you feel less alone. I found over the years that even the small talk at the gym was all I needed to feel better and less alone. But I do agree it’s a need bigger than just online relationships…we need that human, in person connection.
Angela Youngblood recently posted..Old School Blogging Fun
I know this feeling. Unfortunately I’m not sure what to do about it.
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Laura,
You took the words right out of my brain. Why is it that the human connection is missing so much in our modern urban lives? I think we need a plan to get it back. Because you aren’t alone. Actually 90% of the moms I surveyed said that becoming a mom involved loneliness.
When I had my son in greektown Toronto in June 2013, it was incredibly isolating. It really takes a while to build a solid mommy social circle, and then there’s the challenge that things shift over time – with who is on mat leave, who moves, etc…
I started a site with a mandate of bringing the village feel back to modern mommyhood. It’s called Villagemommy.com – we’re kind of like match.com but for playdates/friendship for mom. We have 1000 moms mostly in Toronto/GTA in 3 months. Pretty nuts. 25% of my moms matched report making a new friend. We focus on new moms now as a business strategy, but it works for all moms :)
More than that, we’re building a lifestyle that focuses on what steps we can take as moms in our neighbourhoods to make them feel more like the village we’re all missing. I’m still trying to figure out what that looks like.
Laura,
I work from home and TOTALLY get this. My husband also travels constantly for work and I guess, well, I guess I am a little lonely and the slightest bit depressed from it all.I told my husband the other night – “Gosh, I just spend so much time feeling alone.” He was great and we talked about it and he urged me to do things like go to the gym and plan lunches with friends, but work gets in the way and then the kids come home and dinner needs to get on the table.
So I feel you, dear.
Kiran
Kiran recently posted..Lean into Glass Ceilings: Letter to My Daughter
I totally get this, Laura. Which is why I am SO grateful that my friend moved in 3 floors up from us here at our apartment block. Because I have the babies, she comes down for a coffee/ lunch whenever she can, and at very little notice (which is fine with me, because I’m usually home!), and I’m always looking forward to having her here. I hadn’t really thought about how much I missed talking to a friend regularly, face to face (we met twice a month before I had the twins), until her recent visits.
I’ve also been friendlier with my neighbours, especially the lady with a newborn. We bump into each other in the elevator often, and have had quick chats. I even introduced myself after the 3rd or 4th elevator ride, and am no contemplating inviting her over for coffee.
I’m so glad you managed to get out on your own, and talked to people.
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I’ve been thinking of you a lot lately. Hugs from the internet. xxoo
Yes, yes, yes. How is it possible to be surrounded by so many other moms and still feel disconnected? I struggle with this too.
Kara recently posted..Better Than Before
I think we all feel this, ya know? Motherhood is so isolating…even with all the technology and ways to “connect”, the truth is we spend most of our time without adults to talk to. Not that that makes it any better. It’s just hard. Sigh.
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It’s funny because I’m one of your online friends and so therefore I don’t see you as shy and introverted at all! It’s so easy to open up with a safe group online, isn’t it? But I’m glad you’re getting those precious adult conversations.
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I’d love to be your running buddy Laura! We live so close that I run almost by your house when I go (which is not lately, lol) ! I feel/felt this exact same way…especially on mat leave. :) I think that book club and other events are a great idea… And wet should also get together with our kiddies/hubbies sometime!
Yes, I’m in touch with this feeling too and I’m you are experiencing it too. When raising children and especially the little ones, I find it so so SO important to have someone else to talk to. And about anything but kid stuff. Sending love and hugs! xoxo
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Laura, I understand what you mean because Tracey goes through the same thing. Keep making plans to have your time. Fight for it and protect it.
I know this feeling so well; it is lonely sometimes. Even though my children are older and are not constantly needing me all the time, I still keep to myself a lot. I love getting out on my own when I get the chance, but there is something special about getting out for chat and a laugh with a friend. I feel the same as you – it is easier to connect online when IRL I am more shy and don’t want to be presumptuous about friendship.
So glad you got some time to run and laugh with other moms.
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Wow! It’s as if you are in my brain! You are me, if that makes sense. I have lived in the same city now for almost 10 years and I have very few friends that I would consider close enough to call anytime for any reason. Even when I was working as a teacher (before my recent mat/parental leave), I would make “colleague” friends but not the kind that I considered good friends. That’s been very obvious since I left my school, as I hardly hear from anyone any more. Being an introvert is wonderful in some respects and it royally sucks in others. I am also an older first time mom (in my early forties) so I find it hard to relate to other moms that might be 10-15 years younger than I am. I know we can all learn from each other but I miss having friends my age. My husband is very supportive but doesn’t quite get what I’m going through. I too would love to have a close friend or two in my neighbourhood to call for a quick coffee or a walk but I feel like you do: they won’t find me interesting, I won’t know how to keep up my end of the conversation, they already have friends so why do they need a new one, etc. I wish I had words of advice but all I can say is hang in there fellow introvert.