**Disclaimer: I really wrestled with whether I should post this today. Today Cameron is four months old. This really is meant to be a letter to my son about the last month, not just a gimmick for a blog. And so, for the first time, I have written about what is going on that has shaken our family. It is hard to put this forward on the web, especially when the decision isn’t finalized. There is still a slight (albeit very slight) possibility that this won’t be happening. But, it has been a reality in my life for a few weeks, and so it is only fair for me to talk to my son about it.**
Dear Cameron,
Today we celebrate the four months that you have been in our lives as an outside baby. If I were to use one word to describe this last month with you, it would be, without a doubt, Fun. Cameron, we have so much fun together. You make me happy every single day and it melts my heart to know that I can make you smile.
You just started giggling last month, and since then, you have enriched your Daddy’s and my days with the sweet sound of laughter. I tell you that you have the most special smile in the world, because it is magic. You can make anyone’s day brighter with a perfect little toothy grin or precious giggle.
This month, you tasted banana, and you loved it. I was making a banana dessert and had been mushing bananas for a few minutes. You were sitting on your Daddy’s lap watching me and throwing me one of your magic smiles, when I stuck my finger into the banana mush and let you suck on my finger. I am so excited to start experimenting with new tastes and new foods with you in the next couple of months.
You are growing up so fast Cameron. I am determined to not lament the past but to celebrate being your Mom every day. Each new day is special with you. I don’t want to miss the wonder that is found in today by wishing I could keep you little. But, with growing up comes changes. You have grown out of your cradle. You no longer need to be swaddled at night. You have baths in the big bathtub without needing your Momma in there to hold you anymore. All these things are exciting because I know that they mean that you are learning and growing bigger and stronger and smarter every day, but I also know that they mean that you will not be my baby forever.
Cameron, this month, your Daddy got offered a job in Toronto. You’ve seen me cry more times than a baby should see his Momma cry. There are so many wishes and dreams that I have for you that will be harder to accomplish by moving to Toronto. Cameron, I want you to know and love the East Coast and its way of life. I want you to appreciate the Maritimes for the hidden treasure that the rest of Canada doesn’t know about. I want you to experience the slow way of life that you get in small town New Brunswick, and not the incessant traffic that you see in Toronto. I want your skin to flourish in the salt air and not wither in the smog. I want you to grow up in a place where everyone knows your family and where there is a friendly face wherever you go.
Cameron, I want so desperately for you to have the same special relationship with your Nana and Papa Jones that I had with my Nana and Papa Jones. I want them to become part of your immediate family. I want you to witness the love of God in your Nana and Papa. I want you to be surrounded by their influence and discipline. I want you to know and feel the unending love and support that you get from them, and I want you to have memories of being with them at Thanksgivings and Easters and Christmases that bring smiles to your face. In short Cameron, I never want you to feel like they are strangers to you.
This is hard for Mommy, because I never wanted to raise you anywhere else but in the East Coast of Canada. But, I know that no matter what, we are going to be okay. You and me and Daddy are a family, and we are going to live together and love together. I keep reminding myself that if God has a plan for your Daddy in Toronto, then He has a plan for you and for me there too.
Oh Cameron, I am so excited to see the plan that God has for your life. Your Daddy and I are already so proud of you. You woke up a love in us that we didn’t realize existed. You have already been such and amazing son, and I know that you will just continue to grow and love and make us proud. We have loved you since we found out about you a year ago, we loved you more when we met you on your birth day, we have loved you more each day during this past four months, and we will love you more for the next four months, four years, four decades, and every day after that.
These next few months might be difficult for your Mommy, but I will always, always love you and your Daddy.
My heart just aches and trembles with all my love for you.
Forever and always,
Your Mommy
Nap time.
