Even though very few pounds have actually been shed this time around, my confidence has soared since I’ve started to watch what I eat and work out regularly. I don’t know what it is, but I just feel better about myself. I feel better getting dressed in the morning, I feel better walking around my office, and I feel better around my husband.
And Tuesday morning was the very best I’ve felt all week.
Before I tell that story, let me start with a little introduction.
I don’t know if I ever identified myself as being pretty but from about high school on, I really started to try to be pretty. I showed off whatever asset I could (my parents and sister could tell you about my endless “boob-shirts” that I wore in grade nine). Of course, I understand now that I was searching for acceptance. Throughout high school, I agonized over the style of my hair, the size of my belly and the shape of my butt. I wanted to be liked – especially by boys.
Well, the boys noticed. By the time grade ten hit, I had one boyfriend while other guys lined up. I can vividly remember older high school boys coming up to me in the school yard and asking me for my phone number or asking me out over ICQ. I was flattered.
This lasted all the way up until university. University boys are a completely different breed. They don’t ask you out in school yards or over ICQ. They find you in a bar, dance with you and expect to be taken home. Wham, Bam, Thank You M’am, I’ll never talk to you again! I didn’t like it (nor did I fully participate in it).
So, when a boy who would eventually be my husband did ask me out over MSN – when he actually wanted to take me out on a date and not just a hookup, I was intrigued. This boy made me feel important and beautiful.
I won’t lie, while I was dating Dan, other guys would hit on me, especially in my line of work. I worked at a coffee shop and a restaurant so I interacted with hundreds of people a day. Every once in a while someone would come into my day who thought I was something special. I always tried to approach these flirtations as diplomatically as possible. But it did make me feel good. It did boost my confidence.
Once my body started blossoming into a beautiful display of new life, those glances from cute guys started to go away. I was announcing to the world that I already had a family, so I was okay with this change. My confidence stemmed from my new role as a mother and a protector of this precious little life.
But as my body continued to not be my own even after my little son started breathing his own life, my confidence in public started to wane. My confidence as a mother was still there, but the body in the mirror was not the body I imagined. Motherhood had brought so much joy, but it also brought an undesirable body.
I shouldn’t be so concerned about what people other than my husband think of me. But, who are we if no one notices us? Who are we if we don’t make some sort of impression on those around us? I don’t think I am alone in wanting to be beautiful. I have always tried to being a beautiful person within, but once in a while I really just want to feel beautiful on the outside.
It has been a while folks.
So even though this week’s weigh-in showed absolutely no change on the scale despite working out hard and being very diligent about what I put into my body, I consider it a good week. This week, I felt good about myself. This week I found extra confidence. This week, someone found me attractive enough to check out.
This week, I hope everyone feels great in their bodies too.
