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a blog by Laura O'Rourke

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Ambiguity

Seventeen years ago. I was a nine year old little girl unbelievably excited about something special. My Mom was having another baby.

I was much older than Cameron was so I understood that it would take time for this new little baby to grow inside my mother. I knew when she was due and I counted down the days. I could tell my friends that there was going to be a new baby in our family, and because I was the oldest, I would be able to help out a lot. I was so excited and unbelievably proud.

But I had no idea if I would be having a little brother or a little sister.

I remember going to an ultrasound and seeing the jumbled black and white image on the small computer screen. Even at nine, that image didn’t mean much to me. But I could watch my mother’s belly grow. I could feel the baby kick when my Mom placed my hand on her womb. And I could tell people enthusiastically about all of the preparations we were making to welcome this new baby into the world.

But I did not have an answer when asked if I was having a little brother or a little sister.

I had a hard time understanding why my parents chose to not find out the sex of this little baby. Nine months is a long time to not know something, especially for a nine year old. Nine months represented a full 10 percent of my life. There were already so many surprises involved with having a baby; What the baby would look like, how the baby would act, what the baby would be named… Nine months is a long time to wait for a surprise you know is coming.

The baby was born – late (which I was sure at the time was worse torture for me than it was for my mother). As my father walked in our front door the morning after the baby was born, my sister and I stood in the living room and held our breaths to find out if we had another sister or a brother. “It’s…. a….. bbbbbbbbbbGIRL!”

My littlest sister Molly, sixteen and a half years later holding our other sister‘s new baby, Ella.

Finally. I had waited so long to find out. Thankfully, this experience had taught me a valuable lesson: When I grew up and had my own children, I would definitely be finding out the sex.

So now, here I am seventeen years later and (still) pregnant with my second child. A second pregnancy where we did not find out the baby’s sex. And now, seventeen years later, it is almost weirder to meet people who choose not to find out. Finding out the baby’s sex in utero is just so normal now.

Neither my husband or I really had firm convictions about finding out the sex either way. With Cameron’s pregnancy, I really wanted to know, especially in the first trimester. Everything was new and unexpected and I had a hard time really feeling pregnant. I believed that knowing whether I was having a boy or girl would help me visualize this child inside of me and start to bond. But, as the pregnancy progressed and as the time for our 3-D ultrasound drew nearer, I realized I really didn’t need to know. In fact, I didn’t really want to know.

Knowing the sex certainly would make things easier. Gender neutral clothes are surprisingly hard to find these days. And it would cut our name choices in half.

But we wait for so little these days. And sometimes, waiting can enhance a journey. For my husband and I, being able to bond with our unborn child despite knowing much about him or her is important. We do not know whether this baby will wear pink or blue, we do not know what name this baby will carry through life, we do not know if this baby will look mostly like my husband or mostly like myself. We don’t know these things… and we don’t need to know these things. We have slowly, over the last nine months, grown closer to this baby in my womb knowing little else other than this baby is entirely ours, made completely with love.

And when I finally manage to expel this baby from my body, I will listen eagerly to hear whether we had a boy or girl, but I won’t care.

I’ll have my baby.

Photo taken ages ago. Size not representative of current size.

Plus, not knowing the gender brings on months of guesses from everyone. It is like a nine month guessing game. So thrilling. So how about it? Since I am still pregnant, you still have your chance to get your guesses in. Do you think I will be having a boy or a girl?

To get you started, here are our predictions:

Dan: Girl (although he is no where near as certain as he was saying Cameron would be a boy)
Laura: Boy
Cameron: BABY!

You’ve seen the belly pictures, now get guessing!

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. I’ve flip flopped the entire time I’ve known you are expecting. I’ve had days where I think you may be having a boy and other days where the girl vibe is just overwhelming. Something tells me though that you’re going to have the million dollar family and get a girl this time…but I’m pretty sure that either way, your family’s value is much more than that :-)

    • Unlike last time, I honestly don’t have a preference. I can see how awesome it would be to have both a boy or a girl. It would be so great to round everything off with a girl, like you said. But I love the idea of Cameron having a brother too. I have loved being a Mom of a boy, so no matter what happens I will be thrilled! :)
      Laura recently posted..AmbiguityMy Profile

    • I am frequently right, aren’t I?! :) The thing with my own kid though is that I REALLY don’t want to be wrong, so I am less “certain” than I am with other people. But if this was anyone else’s pregnancy I’d be betting money on boy!
      Laura recently posted..AmbiguityMy Profile

  4. I am the worst guesser ever. I never get it right. My guess is boy but that probably means you will end up with a girl! I like your reasons for not finding out. We decided to find out what we were having and I loved knowing, but was always irritated by the superior attitude of those who had chosen to wait – as if that is somehow the moral high ground. Thanks for your honesty and non-arrogant attitude ;)

    • Oh good! I really did worry that by writing this I would come off as arrogant in my choices. I LOVE knowing that friends are going to find out early, because I am totally impatient. So I certainly don’t judge people who find out early. And I completely get it. It isn’t a moral decision at all.

      Actually, for us this time it was probably a partial financial decision as well. Our hospital has taken a hard stance on not revealing the sex of the babies during ultrasounds until just recently (actually, they changed their policy a few weeks after our 20 week ultrasound). Which meant that in order to find out, we would have to spend money on the 3-D ultrasound. This pregnancy that just wasn’t a priority. In fact, it wasn’t last time either, but someone gave us the ultrasound as a gift. I am not sure what we would have decided if finding out the sex would have just been really easy.
      Laura recently posted..AmbiguityMy Profile

      • That would change my mind – I certainly wouldn’t be finding out if it was going to cost me money! Here in Saint John they tell you at your regular ultrasound no problem. It would almost be harder NOT to find out, at all my ultrasounds (I had 3 for Theo) they were eager to let me know.

        • I think next time around we’ll have to be very clear that we DON’T want to know. And I think the only reason we won’t want to know is because we didn’t for our first two. Once you make a “decision” it is easier to stick with the status quo. But since the hospital has changed their policies, it might be harder for us not to know early.
          Laura recently posted..AmbiguityMy Profile

    • I love when people guess girl – if only because I feel so certain this is a boy, it is nice to know other people have other guesses. I am getting very anxious to find out what the answer is!
      Laura recently posted..AmbiguityMy Profile

  8. I admit I’ve always had a hard time understand why people don’t want to find out, but you really explained it so beautifully here. Gives me pause to consider not finding out for next time. Or maybe the control freak in me can’t stand not knowing!
    Rach (DonutsMama) recently posted..MetamorphosisMy Profile

    • I am so glad I was able to articulate my feelings on the matter. It is one of those things that is hard to write out. It is almost just a feeling. I enjoyed the not knowing, the wait. How do you explain something like that? So I am glad I was able to get it out, if even slightly.
      Laura recently posted..AmbiguityMy Profile

  9. Thank you so much for this post Laura! I felt exactly like you did during your pregnancy with Cameron – I thought knowing the gender would make the experience more ‘real’ for me somehow. When they couldn’t see the gender at our 20-week ultrasound (because of the baby’s position), I wondered if it was a sign that we should wait and be surprised. And as my pregnancy progresses, I feel less and less of a need to know the gender and more and more content with not knowing. You’ve captured the feeling beautifully and I think you’re so right about waiting enhancing the journey.
    Amelia @ House Pretty recently posted..Guest room plansMy Profile

    • Once you get past that first trimester, there are so many other things that make this feel real. And you realize that you can still bond with the baby without knowing. The baby becomes more than just a boy or a girl or a chosen name. Even without those things it is still your child growing and moving in your belly. This is your time with the baby – the rest of the world can wait for that moment when you say “It’s a ______!”

      I’m so glad I was able to articulate something you’ve been feeling. :)
      Laura recently posted..AmbiguityMy Profile

  10. I didn’t want to know the genders either time. I wanted to have that moment when I walked out to the waiting room and declared to the people that it was a X. Meghan and I argued about it a bit for all of the normal reasons that knowing the gender makes sense.

    In the end we agreed that I would get my waiting room moment the first time and we would find out the gender the second.

    I will guess girl, but for no real reason.
    Christopher D Drew recently posted..Christian Student Vs. Atheist Professor-Challenge and Response 1: The Presence of EvilMy Profile

  11. My guess is … BOY! But let’s face it, I’m biased by your own prediction. I think Cam will have fun with his sibling either way, but I also know how much my little cousins Curtis + Duncan love having each other to play with, and Cam reminds me a little of them when they were small(er). So I kinda also hope boy, but I also want to see what your little girl would look like. Maybe I’m really on the fence. (:

    • I think we definitely feel the same way! I would love to give Cameron a little brother – but how cool would it be to have a girl too. We’ll know soon enough!
      Laura recently posted..AmbiguityMy Profile

  13. I keep thinking girl. Though, like I mentioned on Facebook, I know that you think it’s a boy and your instinct holds greater weight than what I’m thinking. :) I know you’re so excited to meet this baby, no matter whether it’s a boy or a girl! Praying for you guys!
    Courtney Kirkland recently posted..Week 9 Bump UpdateMy Profile

    • I love hearing so many people guess girl. A few days before this post was published I was with Cameron at a play group where, coincidentally, all of the kids were boys. Maybe it was just that kind of high energy activity that appeals to Moms of boys, who knows. But the thing is, all the Moms there had boys. And they all looked at me and said “You’re having a boy, aren’t you?”. Every single one of them. I have kind of taken it as a forgone conclusion at this point that it will be a boy. :)

      But I have no idea of course. So being reminded that there COULD be a girl in there is fun too! :)
      Laura recently posted..Splash!My Profile