I can only describe that moment as chaotic. There I was, standing in the middle of my messy kitchen, the dishwasher open and half-filled to my left, a family room ahead of me with empty toy boxes and toys strewn everywhere. My husband was resting on the couch, my baby boy was stirring in his boucy-seat at every noise, and directly in front of me was a toddler holding a giant ball yelling “Throw da ball, Mama!”
I looked at the messy kitchen counter to my left, with dirty dishes piled high, and at the half-full dishwasher. Then, I looked at my little boy, entirely too loud and doing exactly what I didn’t want him to do at that moment – bugging me.
That was when I hit my breaking point. I started to catch the ball while tears streamed down my face.
It had been a long day which had followed a long, restless night. I had spent my day either nurturing my newborn or raising my voice to the toddler, sometimes at the same time. To Cameron, everything had become a game, including doing exactly the opposite of what Mommy and Daddy asked him to do. The noise level was high. My body was in discomfort. My husband and I were exhausted. And our house was a disaster. I had nothing left to give.
And all Cameron wanted was to play ball with his Mama.
All I wanted was to find some order in the chaos.
I was completely flooded with frustration, fear, and guilt. I was sure that I was not cut out to mother two children. One? I was great at. Two? My husband and I had already failed. How would I do this on my own in a few weeks? I was in over my head.
I had been expecting this. In fact, I was surprised it waited until I had been home a week before striking.
The Baby Blues.
After bringing my first-born home from the hospital, I pretty much languished in the baby blues for a full week. I vividly remember sneaking away to bathe my broken body and just breaking down in tears time and time again during that first week. My boy was beautiful and healthy, my husband was home to help me, but I was having a really hard time coping with all the physical and emotional and mental changes that came with giving birth and being a Mom. Giving birth brings on such rapid changes to both a woman’s body and her life that going through a period of emotional upheaval is entirely natural.
But it still sucks.
When babies are born to other people, we see the peaceful smiles in the beautiful pictures. We visit and we gently hold sleeping babies for a few moments while Mom sits with her feet up and Dad brings the coffee. The periphery might be messy, the new parents might look tired, but all of that seems to fade away, hidden by the happy glow of this perfect newborn.
Except, the newborn glow doesn’t actually hide anything. It doesn’t hide the three hours it takes a baby to fall asleep at night. It doesn’t hide the dishes that start piling up in the sink. It doesn’t hide the throbbing nipples. It doesn’t hide the clothes that don’t fit right. It doesn’t hide the misbehaving older child.
Babies might be perfection, but adjusting to this new life never is.
Sometimes I worry that I am doing a disservice by seeking the miracles amidst the muck of motherhood. Maybe I am making motherhood look too easy. I have seen and heard many new moms mention only a few weeks after having a baby that they thought things would be easier already. I always wonder which Mom gave them that impression.
Until we have a child, we live within the patterns of a certain normalcy. Pregnancy changes this a little, but there is always an end in sight; a chance to get back to normal. After nine months, sleep becomes comfortable again, cheese and wine aren’t off limits, life can conceivably go back to normal.
But it never does. Normal changes. And each time a new child is brought into a household, a new normal needs to be established. Everything doesn’t fall back into place like it was before. We adapt. We change. We make room.
And it isn’t easy.
But no one said motherhood would be.
I thought it would be Cameron who would need to do the most adjustinging to the new baby. But it hasn’t been him. It has been me. Cameron is just as playful and as loving as he was before. He shows no animosity whatsoever towards Gavin. I am the one who is having the hardest time adjusting.
But I am adjusting. We are adjusting. And in doing so, we are creating a new normal. And it will be beautiful. But never easy.
Laura, thank you for sharing this truthful insight. I promise you it does get better. One day soon you’re going to wake up and find yourself living your new normal like life was always this way.
Thanks Stephanie! I know that we will eventually get to that point, Until then, we’re focusing on survival! :)
Laura recently posted..Never Easy
I cleaned my kitchen for the first time in a long time just for the sake of cleaning it. My kids asked who was coming over… haha! 9 months later I’m starting to break out of the fog!
Stephanie P recently posted..If I Knew Then What I Know Now
It took me nine months to get into a routine after Cameron was born too. Maybe nine months is the magic number.
Laura recently posted..Never Easy
This blog would have been a huge encouragement to me in my new days as a mom to one and to two. I know through your words you are blessing someone else who is in this place too, wondering if they are on the brink of losing their mind AND if it is “normal”.
Thank you for sharing your journey- your honesty is beautiful.
Angie recently posted..April 18, 1984
Aw – Thank YOU Angie for making me feel like my writing is accomplishing something. I do want this to be a place where people can feel blessed and understood.
Laura recently posted..Never Easy
Beautiful, Laura. Thanks for sharing the ups AND the downs. I’m saving this one for down the road (hopefully!).
Thanks so much Heidi. I hope it does become useful for you down the road! :)
Laura recently posted..Never Easy
Thank you so much for writing this post Laura . As you can probably imagine, I have no idea what to expect or how to prepare for what my life’s going to be like in a few months (this being my first pregnancy). I’m in the midst of trying to write a ‘maternity plan’ for work and feel completely overwhelmed and stressed out – how am I supposed to plan for something when I have no idea how I’m going to feel or what my new life will look like? The honesty of other moms like you is so comforting; it helps me realize that it’s OK to not know and to feel overwhelmed and stressed out :)
Amelia @ House Pretty recently posted..Weekend plans
It is so hard to know what life will actually be like once a little one enters your life. So feeling overwhelmed is completely natural. I hope there is room for flexibility in your ‘maternity plan’ so that you will be able to feel a little more comfortable and not so stressed as you plan it. No matter what, everything will work out. I’m sure of it. :)
Laura recently posted..Never Easy
Oh, Laura. Thank YOU! I remember the adjustment when my eldest was born, and as I await the arrival of my second, I had started to remember, but I hadn’t thought about the chaos of having a preschooler AND a newborn all at the same time. Oh, and toss into it the tasmanian devils (neighbor kids) who love to come and play… I foresee myself having many of these days, myself, in the near future.
Survival is truly the name of the game with newborns, isn’t it? I feel like I’ve already been surviving, to a degree, the end of this pregnancy, but you’re right. Exhaustion and that sense of being overwhelmed is also a survival game. Here’s to you, Mama. you’ll make it through the weeds, and I know I will, too.
Survival is DEFINITELY the name of the game. It was in the last stage of pregnancy, and it continues to be so now. But survive we will do. We will both make it through the weeds! :)
Laura recently posted..Never Easy
Oh I know this so well. The first week was so hard. On day 4, I broke down and cried nearly all day. It was a rough night before and I had maybe 2 hours sleep. It was soul breaking.
It’s not to say it has come and gone. Not 2 weeks in yet, we’re still trying to find some kind of new rhythm. The baby has good days (where he goes to sleep at night easily) and bad days (where he doesn’t!). It’s exhausting.
So I’ll say to you what I’ve been saying to myself- hang on in there. You’ll get to the point where you wake up in the morning and realize that you’re breathing and getting into the day without even thinking about it.
Alison@Mama Wants This recently posted..Random Thoughts
Thanks Alison! I hope you are continuing to find a rhythm as a mother of two as well. It is continuing to feel a little more normal for me, but I expect to have a few more breakdowns in a week when my husband goes back to work and I am left outnumbered! But, I know I’ll figure it all out… eventually! :) Thinking about you as you continue to do the same!
Laura recently posted..Never Easy
What an honest post…so true. I know it’s not going to be easy for me either…and I appreciate you sharing your experiences so I know I won’t be alone!
Natalie recently posted..The Beach-Bike and Golf Style
You definitely won’t be alone. :)
Laura recently posted..Never Easy
You are so right that we have to find a new normal with every change. I don’t know where we get these impressions of motherhood either. The change is truly shocking, earth shattering it seems. I thought I had to get it right immediately. I didn’t think it was ok to have a messy kitchen or not make dinner. Laura, I just want to hug you and I want to come over and hold that bundle so you can take a nap or just drink a cup of tea. One day, one hour at a time.
Rach (DonutsMama) recently posted..Life’s Lessons: Good Things Come…
:) I often wish I was closer to my bloggy friends. I would love to have you over to my messy house and accept that hug! :)
Laura recently posted..Never Easy
I hope you realize what a blessing this form is for all mothers. I love that you always tell the real truth, the not so pretty truth that all moms know but feel ashamed to say. It is not always fun or pretty or perfect. Mostly it’s alot of work and worry. Than your child wraps themselves around you and you know, this is who I am and what I was meant to do. Give those babies a big hug for me and hope to see you soon.
Trina
Oh Trina. Thank you so much! I do so want to be a blessing for mothers and to tell my story honestly. I will definitely give both Cam and Gavin a big hug for you. I know Cam would love to see you soon too.
Laura recently posted..Never Easy
Laura, you write so honestly! I love it. And i especially enjoy the truth of what it is to be a mother ( helping me prepare)
You are such a strong, wonderful Mom and I hope your adjustment phase goes smoothly. You have two precious little boys. Gavin and Cam are both adorable!
M.M recently posted..Change of Shape… And Pace
I think every child brings us a new normal, and we get to know what it is as we get to know our new child. How good that you realized your own day-to-day normal shouldn’t be compared to the momentary glimpses we get of someone else’s life through pictures.
The dishes will wait. The kitchen isn’t nearly as big of a priority as playing games with Cameron while he’s still young enough to be playful, and enjoying the smell of your new babies head.
Katie B. of HousewifeHowTos.com recently posted..Crisis Cleaning For Last-Minute Guests