I eagerly signed up for this. I was excited to be a mom long before Cameron was even a possibility and I knew that I would just love motherhood.
And I really do.
I know, I had loads of time to prepare. Nine months is a good long time.
But can you really fully prepare yourself for something like this?
What I didn’t quite realize was how much I would be tethered to my baby. I assumed that there would be nights that I would be able to escape on my own with friends, leaving Cameron at home with Dan. I assumed that I would have no trouble finding and feeling comfortable using a babysitter so that Dan and I could go out as a couple every once in a while.
Unfortunately, neither of these things are true.
Somehow, we got ourselves trapped by teaching Cameron that only Mommy can put him to bed. Daddy not only has no idea how to get Cameron to sleep, but Cameron doesn’t know how to let Daddy either. Cameron is fine hanging out with one, or both of his parents, but he freaks out if left with anyone else.
The last time I left Cameron with someone was in August. Cam screamed the entire time. The last time I left Dan at home for the evening with the bub, I had to hurry home because the bottle ran out and Cam was still awake looking for more.
I don’t even prepare pumped bottles anymore because there is no point – Cameron is always close enough to a boob.
I don’t know how to break this cycle. But if I don’t, I think something is going to burst, because the life and the energy is just being sucked right out of me.
I don’t think anyone could understand how completely draining it is to be someone’s caregiver every single moment of every single day unless you are one. And I totally don’t begrudge it. I wouldn’t give up this experience for anything, but I need a break! I need to go on a date with my husband. I need to go have a drink with some girlfriends.
Today, daylight savings time ended. We “fall back” and turn the clocks back an hour, giving us an extra hour of the day. Changing the clocks isn’t a date night with my husband and it isn’t a glass of Riesling, but it is something. When Dan found his way out of bed this morning and made his way into the living room, I groggily followed him holding the baby in front of me. I held Cameron out to his Daddy and turned around and went straight back to bed.
I got my hour and a couple more.
