I don’t know how to rectify this feeling
I’m feeling.
This numbness.
This emptiness.
Empty.
Even though
I didn’t know you for very long.
You were a part of me.
Are a part of me.
A part of this family.
And
We loved you.
Love you.
We had big plans for you.
For us.
Huge dreams for such an insubstantial being.
Still so significant.
Grief
I can’t justify.
It doesn’t make sense.
Why
you were here. Where you here?
Why
you are gone.
A lifetime of grief for not even a week.
Your Daddy said that I looked happy.
Your Daddy was happy.
You were ours.
Are ours.
Our secret. Our joy. Our future. Our family.
Always.
My womb is empty.
Without you.
Always your Mama.
I'm sorry.
Oh Laura, I just wrote you a big ol' comment, and then my computer ate it. I'm coming out of lurkerdom to comment, after following your blog since you were pregnant with Cameron. How far we have come since Wildwood!
I just wanted to say that I am so, so sorry that you guys lost a babe. It's a crappy, crappy deal, and I don't think you can fix your emptiness. It gets better, I promise, but it always hurts a little. Babies are meant to grow and kick and be born, and it all seems so spectacularly unfair when that's not how it works out. You ARE this child's mother though, and you do get to grieve this very real loss. I'm sorry people don't really talk about this stuff, because I think that makes it even harder.
You're certainly not alone in your experience, although I don't know if that knowledge helps at all. We lost a baby five years ago, and I still tear up a little bit when I see what my friend's daughter (they were due within weeks of each other) is up to.
I don't know if you will find this helpful or not, but I found it really validating and healing to name our lost babe. We don't know for sure, but I'm quite convinced she was a she. I count myself the Mama of Sarah, Maren and Nate, even though Sarah was really only know to me. For some reason I find it helpful to have that name to hang on to sometimes.
Be gentle with yourself, and with your hubby. I think they sometimes get overlooked in this whole process, and can feel a little lost too. Just share with him, I guess.
Peace to you guys.
Kate
I cried for you. I've never lost a baby so I don't really understand and almost didn't comment because I couldn't empathize – but I wanted you to know that, even though I don't really know you – I care about what happens to you through reading your blog and my heart aches for your loss.
Oh Laura. I'm sorry to hear your sad news..I had 2 miscarriages before we had Lucy and I know the emptiness and numbness you're speaking of. Through losing our little ones, God was able to show me that we all belong to Him, no matter how long our time on earth is. We honor our little babes by having named them and including them in our family prayer each night as we say, "St. Matthew and St. Rosalie, pray for us" We should go for coffee sometime soon. Are you back from ON yet?
"…God will answer. You'll call our for help and I'll say, 'Here I am.' A full life in the Emptiest of Places.." Isaiah 58:9a