I wasn’t going to write about this today. I had another topic in mind that I was busy writing in my head before sitting down to start typing. But as I walked towards the computer, I tuned my radio to CBC Maritime Noon. They were discussing the question: “Are we doing enough to prepare for marriage?” in response to the Pope’s recent urging for better pre-marital counselling.
I realized I’ve never really blogged about my opinions concerning marriage. Trust me, I have them. And although this blog’s focus is about my life as a Mommy, I would be missing a key element if I forgot that part of being a Mommy is living with the Daddy.
Getting married was way more difficult than I imagined. First, I had to make all of my relationship mistakes before I finally found a guy who I could stick with long enough for him to propose. Then, I had to plan a wedding and deal with all the stress associated. Finally, I had a spend a full day getting cleaned and pampered up in order to look beautiful so that I could say my vows. It was tough.
And yet, it is nothing compared to being married.
Getting married isn’t nearly as hard as staying married (according to the guest on Maritime Noon). I’d have to agree. And yet, that isn’t what our society portrays marriage to be at all.
Why did you get married? Was it for happiness? Romance? Convenience? Was it for stability? Was it for love?
I guess my idea of marriage ties in very closely to my idea of love (which also doesn’t jive with the mainstream opinion). Love is a verb – not a feeling. Love can breed those feelings that we most associate with love or lust or romance, but love isn’t in itself those feelings. It would be like looking at an apple and saying “I eat you. I must be full. If I’m not feeling full then clearly you are not the right apple for me”, even though you haven’t actually taken a bite. And if you have eaten the apple, you may not have eaten enough apples to feel satiated. Love is the same thing. You can’t just expect the feeling of love to fill you up without doing the work of loving. And even then, the feelings aren’t always there.
How can we possibly base our marriage on feelings then? How quickly have you felt one way and then moments later felt the complete opposite? Feelings are fleeting and fickle. If marriages are based on feelings, then how can we be surprised when marriages are fleeting and fickle.
I believe that a marriage takes work. I believe that it won’t always be easy. I believe that a marriage isn’t all about love, but my number one priority needs to be actively loving my spouse. I believe that “falling out of love” doesn’t mean that my marriage is dead, but that I instead need to work harder to get beyond the lack of feelings. And I believe that if divorce isn’t in our vocabulary then my husband and I will work our absolute hardest to make it work.
I’ve recently seen the results of a marriage where divorce is an option. Where the moto seemed to be “when the going gets tough, the tough get going”. There was no attempt to work at the marriage, no attempt to live through the “for worse” part of the vows. The saddest part was, from an outside perspective, it appeared as if one of the spouses really was trying to make it work. But the other refused. It was too hard. The feelings were no longer there.
Although marriage preparation is beneficial, nothing will change until our attitudes, opinions and expectations of marriage change.
I’ve only been married for two and a half years. I have no right to be giving advice. But I hope that sharing these opinions with my husband will ensure the health and longevity of our marriage and our family. ‘Til death do we part.
Wendy says
Excellent Laura! We are with you 100%. You are right and I'm glad you have written about this.
It's interesting when you talk about how variable our feelings can be – then talk about the divorcing couple – where one is still wanting to work on the relationship and the other, as you say, "The feelings were no longer there." Basing the permission to abandon the relationship on such a very "fickle" part of us. Yet it is so sad to speculate on all the damage that has occurred – likely on both sides – to bring someone to that place. Your Dad and I always say when we speak at marriage conferences, that the word and the option of divorce should be a door you shut at the very beginning of your marriage and determine never to go there – no matter what.
Active Loving – what a great phrase and an even better idea.
Marriage for a lifetime…Lifelong family.
Love you all
Courtney K. says
I agree with everything you just said. Divorce isn't an option in our marriage either. Even saying the word "divorce" is against our marital rules. I'm excited to see that someone else shared my husband and I's idea of marriage and how things are supposed to be shared between a couple. And love is most definitely a verb…something we have to CHOOSE to do day in and day out. Thanks for sharing this!
Laura says
Thanks so much! I always worry a little bit after posting something so opinionated that I'll be alienating myself.
Emily says
Our favourite quote is "We have two options: happily married or unhappily married. Divorce is not an option, so let's try to go with happily married." Love this post :)
katiemama says
"You can't just expect the feeling of love to fill you up without doing the work of loving" Amen Sister!! I love this post. I also love that you said love is a verb! I am in total agreement. I came across a quote lately..i'm not sure who said it originally but it really speaks to the heart of what you wrote I think:
"Marry the one you love, Love the one you marry" Thanks for writing about this. I think as married couples one thing we can do is encourage our unmarried or engaged friends to really discuss their ideas of what married love looks like and what their expectations are of one another as spouses. I would love for Ben and I to someday help teach a marriage prep class.
Life with Kaishon says
Oh! I so agree. Marriage is very, very hard. I was startled to find out just how much work it was when I got married. I was expecting something totally different. Just like you though I am committed to staying married : ) No matter what!