Now that I am catching up on the e-lives of other mothers around the interweb, I am finding that many women who had babies within a year of Cameron’s birth are suddenly pregnant again. Some are posting weekly pictures of their growing bellies. Others are simply talking about the differences between their two pregnancies. Still others are writing about birth plans.
I am finding it really tough.
Especially right now.
You see, if nothing had happened (and if I had managed to keep my mouth shut for this long), I would probably be announcing my pregnancy just about now. I would be nearing the end of my first trimester and I would be lapping up all the pregnancy glory I could.
But I’m not.
Currently, I’ve resigned myself to think about everything happening as a distant fact. It happened to me. I had the one pregnancy out of five that statistically does not survive. But I am not approaching it emotionally anymore. I am even been able to talk about it without feeling the pain.
Back when everything happened however, I went on thebump.com, a community of women and mothers that I lurked on while I was pregnant with Cameron. I was seeking solace from other people who had gone through a similar thing. I was looking for an anonymous voice. All I wanted to do was to talk about it and yet, the last thing I wanted to do was to talk about it.
On this message board, the topic of public pregnancies was being discussed. Many women who had gone through pregnancy losses felt that it was incredible inconsiderate for people to be sharing their pregnancies with the online world. In their opinions, it was heartless to share pregnancy updates on Facebook statuses, to post weekly pictures of growing bellies on blogs and to have a pregnancy ticker on message board signatures.
Despite my pain, I was taken aback. I blogged while pregnant. I shared the ups and downs of pregnancy over Facebook and Twitter. Had I been insensitive? Had I been inconsiderate? What was my stance on this now that I had experienced loss myself?
The pain does comes back sharply as I read those blogs. Every mother preparing for her second baby is a reminder of my second baby. Every beautiful photo of a full belly reminds me just how empty mine is. I actually refuse to visit a particular blog that posts weekly belly pictures and who is only a few weeks further along than I would have been.
Does this mean that I feel like these women are being inconsiderate? Should my Facebook friends feel bad about mentioning their pregnancies online?
Absolutely positively not.
Every single positive and excited comment that I have shared with my pregnant friends over Facebook has been legitimate. I am honestly thrilled for them. I look forward to seeing updates so I can share in their joy. I will continue to read the blogs of those pregnant women because I love feeling a connection to other Moms.
And if I were pregnant, you can be darned sure that I would be spewing my pregnancy goodness all over the webernet.
But the pain is still real. Words and stories online can sometimes be a brutal reminder of what I have lost.
What is your opinion on e-sharing pregnancies?
I know you know that I had a miscarriage. The interesting thing is that my sisters all had one too – and my Mom as well. But I didn't know till after I had mine.
There were two things that happened when I lost my baby in month 3. One was I had a ton of people brushing it off – like it was somehow very inconsequential. It is surprisingly still painful to remember all this time ago. I was devastated. Well – not devastated. There are worse things. But losing the baby and then having apparently thoughtless things said all the while your body is pretty much literally crashing – well – it was a lot to manage appropriately. The positive about it was that a number of people who had miscarriages themselves were very helpful and supportive and told me their own stories. Which was actually quite comforting. I particularly remember one letter I received – although miscarriages are such a solitary journey (really how can anyone know what you know about your body, as a woman, when you are carrying a child) it made the way less dark somehow, to know that someone else had walked this way before and was praying for me, willing to let me into her pain as well. There was also, however, a good friend who was pregnant at the same time. I say "however" because I did find it extremely hard, as lovely and caring as she was to me, it was hard for me to walk with her and share her joy. That was a very "behind closed doors" kind of greiving year for me. Being one way publicly and another privately. Personally, I found it very hard, but I think, from where I am now, it was likely very good for me to have to be in a place where I needed to look out for the best of someone else…to share in their joy. Still – an extremely difficult experience.
I completely agree with you. Sharing the ups is just as important as sharing the downs. I can understand that mom's perspective and the pain and hurt it causes. You want to have the support when you are going through something really tough, especially a miscarriage. But if you get to the point where you can't celebrate with others and their joy then I think there might be a bit of a problem where there isn't healing. Staying hurt, angry, and depressed for an extended period isn't healthy and perhaps there's a deeper problem there.
Reading this post does make me rethink my personal attitude lately. I've been tired and grumpy and just wanting my pregnancy to be done with, when I really should be thankful for the blessing God has given me and to be patient with His perfect timing.
I'm glad that there has been some healing in your life, and that there will be more healing to come. I'm also so thankful for how positive and honest you have been through this whole thing. Sending my love {Hugs}
Meghan
We talked about this the other day and I completly 100 % agree with you on this one … I enjoy reading about womens doctors visits and ultrasounds and always feel so happy for the families about to have a new addition, however at the same time I can't help but be reminded of what I have lost and maybe a little bit envious that some else gets to experience the joys and happiness of bringing a new baby into the world, while mine were so quickly taken from me. That being said maybe it's throught these experiences that we learn to be greatful for what we do have and remind us that not everything works out the way we planned. Life throws us curve balls and it is how we react to those curve balls that makes us the people we are, not what we have or don't have.
Thanks so much for all of your honesty! I am so glad that I have this outlet to express my feelings and that with it I can take part in a conversation with other Moms. I'm sending my love right back to all of you! :)
I'm so sorry that this has happened and I pray that you find comfort in reading others stories and sharing your own. I can sympathize with how you are feeling, I haven't had a misscarriage but it took 3 long years for my husband and I to conceive our first born and the daily reminders of my friends and co-workers pregnancies was bitter sweet. I tried to be happy for them but I was just so sad it wasn't me.
Keep writing about it whether its privately or you choose to publish it, either way it will be an outlet. Hugs to you :)
I'm very sorry about your miscarriage. I have not had a miscarriage but I do know of people who have and I remember how tough it was for them – one a very close friend who had two miscarriages before giving birth to a beautiful baby boy and another friend who lost their baby while I was pregnant with my little guy.
With the second friend, both hubs and I reached out to them to let them know that we are there for them if and when they needed us for anything and although I know they were genuinely happy for us, part of me felt that just my being pregnant is a reminder of their loss. We don't talk about it, partly b/c I'm not one to pry and I feel very strongly that if and when someone wants to share, they will do so as long as I've let them know that I'm open to share.
I admire that you are able to acknowledge the pain of your loss and also share in the joy of others' pregnancies – it takes a strong person to do so. I don't think you or anyone who shares their pregnancies, ups or downs, is insensitive. There is no maliciousness in the sharing but in fact much joy even though at times, being pregnant is not easy. Personally, I chose not to e-share my pregnancy on Facebook (I don't think I was on twitter or used it actively at the time). I just felt that my pregnancy and the stages of pregnancy were very personal and intimate and I chose to share with hubs and close friends and family in a more "traditional"/old school way.
I don't think the pain of such a loss ever truly goes away but i do think that with time, it becomes easier to face and cope with the pain so that it doesn't hurt so brutally. I'm hoping and praying that that day comes to you soon. :)
Thank you for sharing this very personal part of your life.