Monday morning. 7 am. I had already been up for an hour enjoying the only 60 minutes of my day that are entirely quiet, entirely alone, entirely mine. The previous night had been fraught with restlessness as we found ourselves awake and cleaning up toddler vomit.
As the clock turned from six-fifty-nine to seven-oh-oh, I came back to bed, sat on it, and looked at my husband.
“What’s the plan?”
Cameron had just been sick not three hours before hand. Despite the fact that we thought he was taking a turn for the better on Sunday evening, I was unwilling to send him back to daycare after just having been sick so recently. After some back and forth, discussing days off and who had any left, my husband and I came to the conclusion that it would be best for me to stay home with Cameron that day.
We all stumbled groggily from our bedrooms which had not seen nearly enough action the previous night – or, maybe, had seen too much, depending on your perspective – and started to blindly spoon cereal into mouths caught open in yawns.
“I bet you’re looking forward to a quiet day at home with Cameron.” My husband had decided that The Cat in the Hat Knows A Lot About That wasn’t nearly enough mental stimulation for such a sleepy morning and had decided to start up a conversation with me.
“You know,” I decided to be honest, “when I was contemplating how this day would turn out, I honestly didn’t know if I would rather stay home with Cameron or go to work.”
What a statement, especially from someone who had such a hard time handing over he son to a daycare; from someone who, more than anything, would love to be a stay-at-home-Mom.
Although being at home with my son means staying in the PJs for most of the day and not rushing to and from daycare in the morning in the hopes of catching my ferry; although it means the possibility of a daytime nap and the opportunity to get a few things done around the house, it also means spending the entire day playing with cars or watching Cars or reading books or making lunch or convincing him to nap.
It really doesn’t sound all that bad.
And it isn’t. I love my son. I love spending time with him.
But I’m kind of failing at hanging out with him all alone. I find it exhausting.
Cameron’s getting to a stage where he is clingy. Maybe he is noticing that Mommy finds it harder to play with him or pick him up. Maybe all of this talk of a “New Baby” is making Cameron feel like he needs to be the centre of our worlds. Or maybe, this is just a stage that 22 month-olds go through. But I can’t get anything done when it is just he and I. This kid wears me out.
When nap-time came, I was determined to crawl into my own bed and “nap-when-baby-naps”. But first I straightened up… just a little bit. And then the phone rang. And then my husband sent me a message asking me to do something. And then…
Well, then I made my way to the bedroom, pulled back the covers,
and heard my boy cry. Nap-time was over.
I went into his bedroom. He didn’t stop crying. I tried to pick him up. He didn’t want to be picked up. He just sat there. And cried. And there was nothing I could do. Finally, I picked him up. He wanted down. Then up. Then down. And he kept crying. Together, we went into the living room. He cried. I turned on Cars. He cried. And then, he fell to the floor, on his belly, kicking and crying.
There was nothing I could do.
I just sat in the chair and watched my little boy, feeling completely helpless, utterly overwhelmed.
How the heck am I going to do this in just three months with a newborn?
I know that a lot of this is because I am almost into my third trimester and I am finding it harder and harder to muster the energy that a two-year-old requires. I know that this is because I have fallen out of a routine that works for both myself and my son. I am now in “work” routine, and that works well because I am working. I know that after some frustrating and exhausting weeks, Cameron and the new baby and I will work out another routine that will work well for us while I’m at home.
I know it will get better. I know I will be able to do it. I know these feelings are normal. I know these things logically.
But I still can’t help feeling like I am failing at being Cameron’s Mom and utterly unequipped to be the mother of two children.
Do you ever question your parenting abilities? Did you feel like this when bringing a second child into your lives? How did you cope?
Oh. Yes. I totally relate to the “What the heck would I do with a small person all day!?” feeling (and the coinciding guilt/feelings of inadequacy when I remember that I am his MOTHER and should be able to both do that, and enjoy that!), and am overwhelmed by the idea of having to return to that AND add a new baby to the mix. I remember with Haydon there were days when we would have hours-long TV marathons as we nursed/napped together…I can’t quite imagine how things will look this time around! But, I DO know, that lots of people have survived having 2nd and 3rd children, so…we’ll figure it out!
Rae recently posted..A wee snapshot
YES! Lots of people have survived having 2nd and 3rd and 4th and 5th children. How? I have no idea. But I remember this feeling before having Cameron too – this feeling like I had no idea what I was doing and no idea how I would do it. And so far, we’ve managed. :) Here’s to succeeding the second time around too, no matter how impossible it seems now!
Laura recently posted..More Than I Can Handle
I doubt that there is a day that goes by when I don’t, at some point, question my parenting abilities. One loss of focus and bam… what just happened? When I was pregnant with B, I thought “what are we doing?!” a lot. We wanted and planned for a second child, but were we ready? After asking around, I discovered that a lot of moms felt that way when they were pregnant and even once they added the baby to the mix, but after a few weeks, you find yourself in a routine and things are a lot better.
You are a wonderful mother to Cam and you will be a wonderful mother of two as well. Things will be hairy, and the transition will be rough at times, but you will find your way. You can do this!
Thank you Shannon! It is good to hear the perspective of a mom with more than one child. It reminds me that it will be tough (but so is parenting just one child), but it can be done! :)
Laura recently posted..More Than I Can Handle
Today, I just published a post about how my 2 year old seems to be handling the impending change of a new baby in the household. And he’s handling it by being clingy and willful.
And I’m petrified that I will utterly suck as a mother of two kids.
So know this – you’re not alone in your feelings. It does NOT make you a bad mom. I stay home with my toddler all day and it is utterly physically and mentally draining. Love it as much as we do, sometimes, the mind is willing, the body is not. It does not mean we love them less.
As many have assured me the past few hours, it’s totally normal to feel this way. Things WILL get better (they have to!).
Alison@Mama Wants This recently posted..My 2-Year Old Baby
You are my hero! As this pregnancy is progressing, it is getting harder and harder to solo-parent my kid. Even little things like bending over to pick him up or putting him in his crib or cleaning up his toys is getting taxing. I wish you continued energy as you hang out at home with your son day in and day out! :)
And, you’re right, I’m sure. We will be able to handle two kids just like we were able to handle one.
Laura recently posted..More Than I Can Handle
Oh yes! My now eighteen year old daughter was not quite two and a half when her brother was born. I remember wondering how on earth I would manage strollers and car seats and snowsuits and naptimes and eating schedules and, how on earth would I ever manage a shower? I remember so vividly responding to her incessant demanding chatter with “mmmhmmm…..yup….mmmhmmmm” then realizing I was totally zoned out and tired of listening. I was a bad listener and a bad language model. But as you know, that young woman is now one of my best friends and we can jabber together for hours. I was/am a good mother. And we figured it out when our baby boy was born. Within a few months I had it working. And there are many moments when I still wonder if I’m a good mother. Which means, with that level of intention, I probably am. And I know you are a wonderful mother. Believe.
You have seriously laid out every single question I have asked myself. I remember how long it took me to figure out how to shower with one baby. Now I’ll have a baby and a toddler? How the heck is that going to work?! And who am I going to get out of the car first? And I don’t even HAVE a double stroller yet, nor do I have room in our tiny condo for one. And oh-my-goodness, will I ever be able to find that magical moment when they are BOTH sleeping at the same time?!
I’m glad to know that I’m not the only Mom to have these questions and that these questions don’t automatically peg me as a Bad Mom. I honestly don’t think I am a bad Mom, but sometimes I wonder how I’ll manage and if I could be better. As you know, we want the best for our kids, and it is hard when they have an imperfect human for a Mom! :)
Laura recently posted..More Than I Can Handle
I question my parenting abilities constantly. With my daughter going through the trying 3s, I feel like I can’t do anything right. She constantly wants “up” even when I’m making dinner. It’s hard to tell her I’m busy because I don’t want to hurt her feelings! With all the exhaustion, I wonder if I really do want another child. It’s what we’re talking about and its tough to know if I have the patience (or money) for another. Everyone tells me it’s normal to feel this way but I still feel horrible.
I remember hearing once that you will never been fully “ready” for a child (or another child, I suppose). If you wait for that perfect time, it never will come. Perhaps that just helps people like me whose first child was a bit of a surprise. But I think it does speak to how incredibly adaptive we are as Mothers and as families. Sure, we have way less money than we had when it was just me and my husband. Sure, we have no idea how we’ll live on only one salary or with two kids in daycare. But I am confident that we will work something out. That is what being a family is about.
And I think the joy of bringing this next kid into our family is going to be worth so much more than these questions that keep popping up now.
Good luck as you work through your decision!
Laura recently posted..More Than I Can Handle
Yes, I question my abilities on a regular basis- particularly during homework and bedtime rituals. I wept in my closet when I discovered I was pregnant with Murphy “the Last”. I still wonder why on earth I have them when clearly someone with better organizing skills and more patience would be better at this than I. The difference is, I suppose, that they were made for me and I for them. Maybe I’ve lowered my standards on things that don’t seem to matter as much now or maybe I’ve finally stopped trying to live up to MY own expectations.
I love your honesty, as always!
Angie recently posted..Anonymity and obvious judgement (from me)
Thank you Angie – for YOUR honesty! Believe it or not, what has been comforting me is the memories of worrying like this before Cameron was born. I had no idea how I’d be parent, how I’d do the night-time feedings, how I’d clean up sick. And before getting pregnant, I was so scared that I would not be able to handle being pregnant and a parent at the same time.
We are SO much stronger than we understand or give ourselves credit for. Thank God!
Laura recently posted..More Than I Can Handle
I would like the mommy handbook on this too…how do moms do it when kids are close in age? Super powers I say!
Natalie recently posted..Brushin’ Brushin’
Handbook shmandbook. What I really want to know is where they get these super powers from! I want invisibility!!!
Laura recently posted..More Than I Can Handle
We don’t have a second child yet, but YES. YES to all of this. Noah’s 3 and I just flat out don’t have the energy most days that he requires. I get frustrated. I get snappy. I get irritated. I yell way more than I ever wanted to as a mom. But it’s hard. Especially now that I’m working. I try to find a schedule that works for both of us, but I’m having a hard time. It feels like something suffers no matter what I do. And the thought of adding another child to the mix terrifies me. I’m starting to wonder if I’m not cut out for it either. I wish I could offer you some advice, but I don’t know what to tell you. Instead, I’ll just offer you a giant virtual hug and tell you that you ROCK as a mommy.
Courtney Kirkland recently posted..Feature Friday | Proudest Parenting Moments
I think none of us are “cut out for this” on our own strength. I am noticing that over and over as people have been assuring me that all of these feelings are super normal. We sacrifice ourselves, we sacrifice our time, we sacrifice our energy and eventually we end up with nothing left to give and then feel guilty. But somehow, maybe with a little help from the husband or a little strength from God, we keep going and we find we are able to persevere.
I know that you are an awesome Mom to Noah, even if you are tired and frustrated sometimes. And I know that you would be an incredible Mom to a second child too. xo
Laura recently posted..More Than I Can Handle
Read this today and just had to share in light of what you wrote about yesterday!
http://www.ncregister.com/blog/to-the-mother-with-only-one-child
Rae recently posted..A wee snapshot
Thanks Rae! I loved that article. I had seen it posted on Facebook and Twitter too. Glad to know that I’m not crazy!
Laura recently posted..More Than I Can Handle
You will find when you bring home the baby that it’s really not twice as much work as with one child. When I brought home the second caring for a baby was absolutelty second nature. It was EASY. Here with the 3rd now, I find caring for the new one so easy (when he’s not colicky) so easy, that I even enjoy it roe than I did with the others. As you grow and mature with subsequent chidlren, you find your standards for what you can handle etc do relax and it just gets easier :)
*more!
This is so encouraging to hear. I used to be someone who wanted endless amounts of children. I could imagine my house being overrun with little growing beings while I excelled at motherhood. As soon as baby number one came, I loved him more than anything, I adored being a mother, but I could not imagine how I could possibly parent more.
I’m just trusting that all will be fine, and I will learn to mother one child at a time until eventually my family is complete.
Laura recently posted..Not So Long Now