“We’re pregnant again” she told me.
Oh bliss! Oh joy! Oh the wonderful blessing of new life!
When are you due?
She told me, and then
“but I will probably have the baby sooner because of the scheduled C-section.”
What?!
You don’t want to try for a VBAC? You know if you do, you should try to find a doctor who supports you in that. Don’t just take the word of one doctor. Don’t you know that letting a baby grow in you for as long as baby wants is good for your baby?
When will I learn?
To stop all the judgement?
To just be supportive?
That none of it matters?
Just love.
And she has plenty of that.
All these opinions. The do-this-and-not-that. The let-me-get-on-my-high-horse-so-we-can-talk. Don’t induce. Breastfeed. Attachment. Gentle. Everything that makes me better than you.
In some twisted world.
When will I learn?
That these decisions that have little effect on the outcome of the world will drastically change the dynamic of our relationship.
Because now I have built an island. One where I am unapproachable. Now I am just another judgmental Mom creating dividers between us.
When will I learn?
That motherhood is not a competition. We don’t need to be better than each other, just best for our kids.
When will I learn?
That what I need to do is reach out. Support. Spread my arms out to love and encourage and care.
Those bits: the love, encouragement, caring. That’s how I can spread good parenting. That is what matters. Not the trivial things.
I am a parent. Not an expert. Just someone trying desperately to get it right, for them; my kids. And she is just doing the same thing.
That’s the important stuff. That’s the stuff that matters. The stuff that Mommyhood is made of.
Be easy on yourself, there is no harm in mums talking to other mums about options and informed choice. Sure there can be more appropriate times and ways than others, but I am sure your intentions were good x
Thanks Jane. It is so hard to know when you cross the line between helping other Moms be informed and being judgemental. Thankfully, I have a blog where I can pour out all my motherhood ideals. I just need to be careful to not be “dictator of the Mommy Miracles universe” to everyone I meet in real life! :)
Laura recently posted..Going Home
We’re only human. Don’t be too hard on yourself. I think we’ve all judged someone at one point or the other. But that you’ve stepped back and realized your internal monologue, and know that it’s not what your friend wants to hear, is a good thing.
And yes, the important stuff, you’ve got that right.
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Thanks. When we parent we get such firm ideals that come from so much research and anecdotes and so it is hard when other people come to different conclusions than we do. Sometimes I have to tell myself that IT IS OKAY! Those kids will still be okay. They still have awesome, loving parents who want the best for them.
Laura recently posted..Going Home
We are guilty of this, even when we don’t want to be. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Certain stances on motherhood are as hard to budge people on as politics. LOL I try to remember that. Even if I don’t agree with what someone is doing (or not doing), I try to remind myself that that’s just their opinion.
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And those opinions come about from a number of different and valid reasons as well. I think being a blogger, and writing so much about my experience with Motherhood, I just assume everyone wants to know my opinion. They don’t. :)
Laura recently posted..Going Home
Good for you for finding a way through your internal dialogue. Here’s another side, too: sometimes doctors won’t do a VBAC (like in my case) for other extenuating circumstances… she may (or may not) have other reasons to go with a scheduled C…
Motherhood is hard, and we all try to get it right… and sometimes that means strong opinions about choices. We’re all on the same journey, we just take different paths to get there. Go easy on yourself.
I am totally up for c-sections when they are medically necessary! :) This friend of mine is one I am very very close to and I think I would know if there were other extenuating circumstances. Truthfully, I always wonder if her doctor just does things the “easy” way. It often seemed to me to be the case. So I often want my friend to get a second opinion. But, I know my friend and not her doctor. And my friend really likes her doctor. So maybe I should just trust that all will be fine! :)
Laura recently posted..Going Home
That’s so hard. It’s hard not to have opinions and expectations, but I guess the important thing is remembering to keep the judgement in check sometimes. It’s hard, I know. I feel it from others and I feel myself doing it too. Hang in there.
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Thanks. Times like this, I often have to think of my personal blogging motto – to support and connect with other mothers. I can easily take sharing my experience a little too far, and I never ever want someone to feel judged by me. On the blog it is one thing. People can chose to come here and expect to get my opinion. In real life, it is another thing entirely.
Laura recently posted..Going Home
I ran across your blog via twitter – I really love what you said about motherhood NOT being a competition…I quoted you and linked you at my own post about a similar desire for moms to unite in wanting the best for our kids. I hope you’ll stop by!
I’m so glad you could find something that resonated with you here. And I definitely stopped by your post. It was great. I think it is really important to unity with other Moms but not always our first instinct, unfortunately.
Hope to see you around more! :)
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