I heard it for the first time a few days into our big Toronto adventure as we were driving away from our afternoon meeting at Corus Entertainment. It had been Cameron’s and my first face-to-face with the people we would be working with on the commercial shoot. It had been a good meeting. Everyone was nice and Cameron had been completely doted on.
“Can we go on a ‘hairplane’ and go back to our home?”
Our home.
It is what Cameron calls the few square feet behind the red door. It is what he says as the roof of our condo building rolls over the horizon while we drive around the corner a few blocks away.
“No buddy. We have a few more days here in Toronto before we can go back to our home. We will stay in a hotel for a little while and then go back to Abuela’s house for a few nights. We still need to go on Treehouse and play with Tiger the dog. You will have so much fun over the next few days!”
Home is overflowing with Cameron’s cars. It is where Daddy comes to after work. It is where Mommy sings to him as he climbs in and out bed – his own bed. It is where Mommy and Daddy stand in the kitchen and cook dinner and hug and tickle and grab each other’s bums because they love each other and because at home, you can be silly like that. It is where the couch always has Mommy’s blanket and Daddy’s blanket and when you need to snuggle you get to pick which one you want to use.
“Ok! I am going to be on Treehouse!” Cameron exclaimed, sidetracked at least for the moment.
I have always had a hard time feeling like our dwelling is home. It has always been too small, even before we had children. To me, this place is clutter and mess. Those toys on the floor represent repetitive pain and repressed curse words. This place does not contain comfort and warmth between its walls like a home should.
Cameron has never been homesick before – or at least, not that I’ve noticed. He has missed his Dad or I on the few occasions when we have been apart. But this wasn’t the case while we were in Toronto. And he was having the time of his life being loved on by his grandmother and running around with her dog and playing with the babysitter on the video shoot. Everything in Toronto was great for Cam.
Except it wasn’t home.
As the trip wound to a close and I got all the big exciting things done that I had travelled to Toronto to do, I realized that Cameron wasn’t the only homesick one.
In order to be homesick, you need to have a home to be sick about. Not a home that you’re sick over.
I missed having a space to move and be and schedule as I desired. I missed the quiet and the peace and the our-kind-of-crazy.
I missed the ordinary.
And yes, I missed our home. Even the mess and the cold and the clutter and those stupid blocks that I always step on! Because it is all a manifestation of my family. Home isn’t just where the heart is. Home is where we begin. Home is where we retreat to when the adventure ends. And home is where it is okay for life to unravel a little bit, revealing the chaos and the clutter and the mess right in the midst of beauty and growth.
We have learned that our girls (even now at almost 11 & 9) don’t like to be away for more than 4 days. They can do it but after the 4th day they start to say certain things they miss about our home.
We, as parents, see the mess and the clutter but as children, all they see is home. It’s a beautiful thing!
It is beautiful. And I totally love how they can remind us to look beyond the mess and see the home.
Laura recently posted..Homesick
I so love the photo of the boys sitting together!
Before this current place we’re in, we lived in a small old apartment, where sound insulation was non-existent, neighbors were rude, dirty and obnoxious, and we had to battle awful traffic every time we left the house because of its location. I couldn’t wait to move out.
We lived there for 4 years. The last 2 there were just awful (maybe because we had a child then, and everything seemed intolerable). When we finally moved, my husband asked me whether I missed the old place. Nope. And he’d say, do you feel at home here? I said, I’ve felt at home the moment I stepped foot in the house. Even when it was empty. I saw potential for great memories. Where I didn’t have to stress about things I couldn’t control. I saw rooms to be filled with laughter, joy and tears.
So yes, I get it. Home is the manifestation of family. Mine is just more what I imagine will manifest. Fortunately, it has. :)
Alison recently posted..Memories Captured – January Linkup
That’s just it. When I picture the future of this family, it is NOT in this place. In fact, I know that I have to be extra vigilant because we can’t afford to move and we can’t fit another baby into this apartment, so we can’t get pregnant. This place is just the antithesis to family for me. BUT we’re here, and we have made some beautiful memories… and it is where my family calls home. So I guess I will too.
Laura recently posted..Homesick
It took me forever to like our current home. We had to completely gut the first two floors and start over with it. We’ve lived through many projects. So, it really took a few years to settle in and make the place ours. My kids are the same as yours in that it’s a comfortable spot for them even though there are still some days I’d like to just move on. Leave it to the little ones to put everything into perspective for us :)
Oh my. The idea of living through so many home projects sounds overwhelming to me. I could never move into a fixer upper! I’m glad you currently like your home now! :)
Laura recently posted..Homesick
Beautiful post :)
I get homesick very quickly. When away from my new home in a new small new town. As well I get homesick when I go long stretches between visiting my hometown and family. It’s a vicious cycle lol
:) It is funny how that works, isn’t it. It took me a long time to teach myself that Halifax was “home” and not New Brunswick. Although wherever we travel, whenever I say “we’re going home” I mean “that place where we are sleeping”. But despite everything, my HOME is in this stupid little messy condo.
Laura recently posted..Homesick
Oh how I love it when we learn an important life lesson from our kids.
Jennifer recently posted..Children’s Book Review {Vlog}
Me too. Though I might HATE how often it happens. Seriously? I’M the one who is supposed to be teaching the lessons. ;)
Laura recently posted..Homesick
We went to a wedding in the Valley two summers ago and intended to stay the night at a friend’s cottage afterward. When we left the wedding and told the Mogrunt where we were going, he cried and said, “Noooo, I want to go home!” And I had to admit, the thought of waking up in our own beds was pretty darned nice.So we stopped coffee and headed home. He still gets a bit homesick when we go places far from home, but he understands better now that a visit to Grampy’s house or Poppa’s cottage isn’t going to be forever and we’ll surely have fun while we are there.
It is sometimes nice to have a little encouragement from the little ones to notice what our heart really wants.
Going to grandparents’ houses is typically top on Cameron’s places to go. He loves seeing them. And when he got a little homesick, it was easy to get him excited to be with his grandparents. I’m glad he likes being there so much!
Laura recently posted..Homesick
I know…I felt the same way after traveling over the holidays…and even though sometimes I am tired of this space and wish I had more room…it’s still home and I miss it when we’re gone too long.
Natalie recently posted..A Little Llama Llama Time
I miss home when I am gone too. Except, I was kind of dreading coming home this time around! :) We had been gone almost all the days since Christmas so I knew we had Christmas mess and 2 times the packing mess to deal with. I was dreading it a little.
Laura recently posted..Homesick
I’m a total homebody, so I completely get this. Our home is actually too big and I would love to downsize and move to a smaller one, preferably back in Virginia or even back in my hometown of Richmond. But in the meantime, I am where I am. And while I may not always like our home, I do like being AT home. It’s where I feel the most comfortable.
And how heartbreaking is it to hear a toddler say, “I want to go home.” Been there.
Oh, and welcome home. :)
Kristin @ What She Said recently posted..The Lying Game
Homebody’s unite! I schedule myself usually twice a week so I make sure the boys and I get out of the house. Because if not we do pj days constantly!
It is hard to have your house in a community that doesn’t feel like home. I have certainly been there. But it is good to be content with where we are NOW. When I start to get really down about my circumstances, that becomes my goal. I’m glad that home is where you feel most comfortable. That makes me smile! :)
And thank you!
Laura recently posted..Homesick
First of all, OH MY GOSH, the smiles in that first photo! SO sweet!
I definitely think “home” means where your family is and where you feel most comfortable, even if it is a bit too small. I had to learn that lesson when we moved from my home state of TX to here, in Louisiana. I was not going to feel at home here but after a certain amount of time, I had no choice. ;) And my 3rd baby was born here so no matter when we leave, it will always have a place in my heart.
Welcome back to the place you call home – hope you are sleeping better and relaxing. :)
Thanks for the welcome back. Though I am unsure if I am sleeping better and relaxing. I still have a baby who wakes up multiple times a night! Sigh. And now that I am home I have to do ALL THE THINGS! (That’s how it works, right?!)
You’re right of course. Even if we move into the perfect place at some later date, this will always be the place we brought both boys home to. It is now, and will forever be, one of our homes.
Laura recently posted..Homesick
Laura,
I love this line. It captures the heart of this post so perfectly.
“In order to be homesick, you need to have a home to be sick about. Not a home that you’re sick over.”
Isn’t that that truth?
Kiran(Masala Chica) recently posted..Letters to Myself
It sure is the truth. I definitely need to remember to be sick over my home the right way! :)
Laura recently posted..Homesick
Loved the post! I am SUCH a homebody, and am so blessed to have married a man who feels the same way. We love to travel, and do so quite frequently (like 3 weeks in Denmark this fall), but we are always so happy and relieved to come home. I seriously can’t imagine anything I’d rather do than curl up with a good book on my couch, covered by my favourite fuzzy blanket on a Friday night. How’s that for an exciting life. Also, that never actually happens, because Friday nights are usually spent changing diaper pails and doing laundry…but a girl can dream :)
Elisabeth recently posted..Denmark Adventures: Day 12
Your description of a Friday night sounds like the perfect night! Except Friday nights for me are usually my earliest sleeping nights. I’m always so tired by the end of the week. Yup. I’m cool.
Laura recently posted..Homesick
Oh, I’m a complete homebody who’d happily never, ever go out unless there was a cupcake waiting for me. So I totally understand where Cam was coming from. When we go visit family, I start missing my bathtub, bed and bedtime routine by the second night!
But no matter how homesick I get, there’s no way I’ve ever looked as cute as your boys!
Katie B. of HousewifeHowTos.com recently posted..How To Remove Candle Wax From Carpets (Reader Questions)
LOL – I bet you were as cute as my boys at one point in your life. Cut yourself some slack – they ARE babies. :)
Reading your tweets and your blog, it is no wonder you love being at home. You’re a house rockstar!
Laura recently posted..Homesick
I love that he says “our home.” I can just imagine how sweet that is to hear, when it’s not completely heart breaking. And I’m grateful a lot that the kids are young enough to be distracted. I think they still prefer to be a grandma’s house or a hotel or wherever ELSE but home. It’s a novelty.
Greta @gfunkified recently posted..Bicker Like Sisters #iPPP
Yup! The novelty thing still works on my kids, but apparently it wears off after a few days. I can imagine that this trip was particularly draining on my two year old after going through that ordeal on the night we arrived which had him walking around downtown hours past his bedtime. Plus we went to meetings and he was introduced to SO MANY new people. He wasn’t used to his grandmother’s dog by that point in the trip and he met his five huge, loud uncles for the first time in a year and a half… so it was all REALLY overwhelming. It was a good trip, but definitely a draining one for a toddler. Glad I have him back home now!
Laura recently posted..Homesick
It sounds like you and your boy learned how much you love what you have. No better gift!
:) It is true. It is so good to count our blessings sometimes, but we rarely remember to. It is a good reminder.
Laura recently posted..Homesick
Beautiful! :)
Thanks Gillian!
Laura recently posted..Homesick
Oh yeah, I know that feeling. I don’t either LOVE or HATE our house (or our last one) but sometimes it drives me crazy. But I do like the fact that Connor sometimes wants to come back here.
Robin | Farewell, Stranger recently posted..Gearing Up for Baby
I think wherever I live, the house will drive me crazy. Or maybe the people living in the house not putting their crap away is what drives me crazy. Hmmm….
Laura recently posted..Homesick
Ohmyheart, girl.
This, all of it, is stunning.
Our home, indeed.
{Welcome back!}
Galit Breen recently posted..This is Childhood: ONE
Thanks you Galit. Your words are so kind!
Laura recently posted..Homesick
I felt that way a lot about our condo before we moved into our house. But in reality, at the end of the day, even though it was small and cramped & I kept bumping my rear into everything, it was my safe place, the place where I could relax and just be myself. I think that feeling more than anything is what makes it home.
Rach (DonutsMama) recently posted..Party On
I know it is off track, but it is 12:30 at night and I’m a little tired. Your comment, especially the “safe place, the place where I could relax and just be myself” reminded me of how hard of a time I had moving in with Dan when we got married. All of a sudden we were in a one bedroom apartment, and all our space was shared space. I felt so claustrophobic. I felt like I needed a place that was mine, where I could be myself when I wanted.
I am glad I feel comfortable now as a family, even in this tiny space, where I have even less me-space (and personal space for that matter). Thank you for reminding me how thing have changed for the better. xo
Laura recently posted..Homesick
What a sweet picture of your children cuddled on their couch. Do they usually pick mommy’s blanket or daddy’s blanket? My kids are older so it’s usually a knock-down drag out for MY blanket :) My home is a little cramped now too, but I know in a few years it won’t be since I have a daughter in high school. I miss those babies cuddled up on the couch…
Poppy recently posted..Happy 11th Wedding Anniversary Honey: Where Did You Put the Symbol of Your Undying Love?
I can completely relate to this, we have moved a few times since the kids were born so I’ve never felt particularly connected to the houses we’ve been in. But then we leave for a few days or more and we come home and I am so happy to be right where we are supposed to be.