File this under ‘Things I never thought I’d say‘. (If you’re a Mom, you know how unbelievably huge that file is).
“Stop squishing your brother. Stop now! STOP STRANGLING HIM, Cameron!”
With a toddler and an infant, I feel like everyone’s life is constantly hanging in the balance and it is my job to make sure that they survive until adulthood. (Please survive until adulthood!)
I suppose if I really thought about it, I would have imagined that life with two boys would be physical and chaotic. Even my sister and I were known to throw down a few wrestling moves when we were growing up, so I can only imagine how amplified that will be with boys. But so early? Before the youngest has even had his first birthday?
Well, I was just unprepared for that.
From the moment Cameron met his little brother Gavin, he has just been an incredible big brother. He has been helpful. He has been thoughtful. He has been playful. And he has been loving.
So loving.
Life crushingly loving.
Have you ever had a puppy? I remember bringing my puppy home as a tween. She was just so precious and cute and mine. And I didn’t know how I could possibly contain all this love that I was feeling towards her without hugging her – squeezing her – crushing her – to death. If I could package all my love for her into one hug, it would be life crushing.
That’s how Cameron is with Gavin. He grits his teeth and wraps his arms around his brother’s neck and squeezes and loves with every ounce of his being.
It is so unrestrained.
Love, at its most primal, wants to overpower life. I felt it in those moments when Dan and I were first married, and I never ever wanted to leave his side. Instead, I just wanted to lay there with him in our bed, arms wrapped around each other, until time stopped. I have felt it over and over again as I stare at my children – their perfect faces, their sweet dispositions – and I just want to hold them so tightly that they never grow up. I want this moment to continue forever.
That’s how much I love them.
Oh, but love is so multifaceted.
If that was all love was, we could never go on. We would love each other to death.
My love for my children means that I have to let them grow up and grow out and grow away. It means finding new moments and watching old ones drift away. It means holding on just tight enough that they can move out of my arms when they’re ready.
It means restraining myself.
It means loving unselfishly so that a beautiful life emerges through all that crushing love.
But my babies? The ones who are going to kill each other with their love? I’m trying to learn something from them. I’m trying not to hold back any love. There are worse ways to die than being loved to death.
I never understood how people could say that they wanted to just eat their kids up or squeeze them to death, until I had kids of my own. And it’s true. The love is so powerful that you could really crush them with it. Noah’s the same way with Jonah. It’s a constant, “Get out of his face! Stop squeezing him so hard! Don’t pat him on the head quite so rough!” But at the same time that it’s frustrating because he can be too rough, it’s heart warming to see just how much he loves his brother. :)
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It is frustrating, isn’t it? Most of my biggest “harsh words” with Cameron are about being more gentle with his brother and telling him to give him some space. But all of that is just because Cam loves Gavin so much. I don’t want to discourage the love, but still want to keep Gavin unhurt.
Laura recently posted..Love You To Death
Beautiful, Laura! It’s a complex, overwhelming, all-encompassing things this “Mom-love.” Certainly nothing I could have ever imagined, and you’ve articulated it perfectly!
Elisabeth recently posted..Recently Enjoyed Things
Thank you Elisabeth! This Mom-love is totally unimaginable, even when experiencing it. How the heck do I love these boys so much?!
Laura recently posted..Love You To Death
One of my favorite photos after my second daughter was born is of my older daughter with a smile where she is gritting her teeth and squeezing her sister (with my arm placed strategically in between to take the weight of it) all out of love. They still randomly hug each other like that at almost 9 & 11 years old. You’re right, dying out of being loved so much isn’t a bad way to go. ;-)
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This SO changes my perspective about why my parents wanted my sister and I to get along so much. Seeing that love is just so heart-warming!
Laura recently posted..Love You To Death
Those pictures. I mean, come on! You said it perfectly. My daughter is like that with the cats, nite that her baby brother is grown up enough to run away. It reminds me of that girl on the cartoon…”I’m gonna love you, and squeeze you…” :)
LOL – I hope the cat is patient. We went to someone’s house a week or two ago and I heard this weird sound. Went around the corner to find Cameron dragging their cat by the tail across the floor. O_o I was so glad the cat was nice. And he LOVES cats too!
Laura recently posted..Love You To Death
I squeeze both my kids all the time. I can’t help myself.
And Monkey does the same with the little one, he just squishes him (he is very squishable).
You know, there’s a lot of time to let go. But since they’re still small, I’m just gonna hold on for a while more.
There is a lot of time to (fully) let go. Though, I’ve already had to let go of little things as Cameron has grown into toddlerhood. And Gavin, as he is learning to play by himself (and with his brother) and move on his own, I’ve let go of those all-day infant snuggles. Each day is a little process of letting go. I hope if I embrace the newness that the letting go brings, I won’t begrudge it when I have to really let go when they’re older.
Laura recently posted..Love You To Death
Wonderful Post as always Laura.
I really need to stop reading these at work – I am sitting here crying.
Again.
oh we know about rough love around here. My oldest two boys are 17 months apart. They can really get into it. Sometimes I like to imagine our roof blowing sky high from the energy buzzing within our home. Mama love is a fierce thing. And yes, there are worse ways to die :)
As a brother of a younger brother myself. I apologize.
Your mothering, your heart, your words and your photos are ALL stunning.
Love this, of course.
xo
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That feeling is a little overwhelming isn’t it? I imagined myself squishing he heck out of all three of my kids as I was reading this! HA!
This was so lovely Laura ;)
My kids are 4 and 12 and I have always felt the age gap but more recently they have
shared more and are growing closer. I hope that they have that sibling love for each other in time.
This was so beautiful!
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