Dear Gavin,
This letter is late. You turned one a week and a half ago on April 29th. Whereas I wrote a whole series of posts for your brother’s first birthday, I haven’t written anything for you yet. Until now, that is.
Part of me worries about this. I wrestle daily with the guilt that comes with having a second child. Maybe I am not giving you everything your brother got. Maybe life isn’t fair for you, my second born.
It probably isn’t.
You just turned one. We did nothing to celebrate it on your actual birthday. I did not bake you a cake. I did not give you a present. We did not throw you a party. We did not fill the house with balloons. We said “Happy Birthday, Gavin!” and hugged you lots and made you feel special. You had cake at daycare and a little family gathering the day before, with cake and presents. But on your actual birthday, you might not even have noticed that anything was different.
I’m sorry to tell you that Cameron got a big first birthday party. We rented out the church nursery, decorated according to a theme, invited friends and family, and I made cake pops (which might be the first and only time I will do that.) I went all out for your brother.
It’s not fair.
I’m sure I will hear that a lot as you and Cameron grow up.
But here is what I want to tell you, little Gavin, on your very first birthday.
Sometimes it is okay when it isn’t fair.
I didn’t throw you a first birthday party because your Mama just started back to work and we’re in the middle of house hunting and I’m trying to work on the side at home on top of my full-time hours at work. I didn’t throw you a first birthday party because life is busy, and that’s not fair to you.
But I also didn’t throw you a first birthday because I learned something at your brother’s first birthday. I learned that my worth as a Mama isn’t tied up in ribbons and string and cake pops. It doesn’t matter how pinnable my your birthday parties are. Especially when you’re one. When you’re one you want to be loved and you want to eat cake and you want to have someone to smile at. Cameron’s first birthday was just as much for him as it was for me. I was flexing my Mama-muscle. I was proving to the world how much I loved my children by how much I spent and how delicious I baked and how creative I crafted.
Your brother? He loved it. He had a blast at his party. But he would have had just as much fun eating cake at home, or playing in the nursery at church on Sunday. The decorations didn’t matter. The theme didn’t matter. The presents hardly mattered. Not to a one-year-old.
I learned with that first birthday party. I learned that when I plan something, I let the stress overwhelm me. I learned that sometimes, less is more. I learned that one-year-olds don’t need, or expect a lot. And I learned that I might be a better Mom when I’m not stressing out before a party. (Just ask your Dad.)
This life will be full of ‘It’s not fair!‘s for you, I am sure. But sometimes, you just have to trust me. Sometimes you have to realize that my equal love for you and your brother might be realized in slightly different ways.
And if you read this years from now, in the throws of an ‘It’s not fair!‘ fit, just be assured that you had just as much fun at your first birthday as your brother did at his.
I love you Gavin. I love having a second child. It’s not fair that I am so lucky, but I am grateful that I am.
Love forever and always,
Mommy
This is a nice letter to Gavin and all of us. We can worry so much that we are not doing enough for our kids we miss being with our kids, and doing things that we need to do for us.
You know who makes me feel bad about the fact that I don’t throw my children parties?
Other moms. Not on purpose, of course. Just by the fact that they go all out and I don’t.
I only baked Scrumps a birthday cake because I have a KitchenAid.
And I wanted to eat cake. :)
You’re right of course. Our goodness does not lie in parties and presents. It’s in just being present.
Alison recently posted..One
This is so, SO true. I always make myself crazy, but this year something clicked when I was planning James’ party (it took long enough), and that is that good enough is okay, and that all of this stuff I was driving myself nuts over really had nothing to do with him and everything to do with me and what I thought I was supposed to do. After that it was easy to focus on the things he likes and what he wanted his party to be.
Jennifer recently posted..I miss the music.
This is perfect and true and honest, Laura. And I love it. Happy Birthday to your sweet, Gavin.
Such a sweet, sweet post! I worry about this with my second too. I mean, we haven’t even bought a crib at this point! I guess with the second we learn to take some of the pressure off of ourselves and we know that fancy crib bedding and fancy birthday parties aren’t really the things that matter.
And how on earth is Gavin 1 already? Seriously, I thought he was just born!
Rach (DonutsMama) recently posted..Beautiful to Me
Happy Birthday to your sweet boy!
Up until this year we have had just close friends and a few family members for a backyard BBQ for Lucas’ birthday… this year, as he is about to turn 4, he wants to invite his entire preschool class and just about everyone we meet to his birthday party. Much to my dismay, I fear it’s all about the presents for him. Sigh…
Tonya recently posted..Desperately Seeking Missing Mojo
So so true! He had just as much fun at home as he would at a big birthday party. I’m just doing a small party at the park and splash pad. Nothing fancy just water and fun and I’m sure my youngest son will have just as much fun as my oldest did at his…and actually probably more LOL! Happy Happy birthday again sweet Gavin!
Natalie recently posted..To All the Moms…
When my youngest was born, I felt so guilty for her and her sisters. I knew she would miss out on going to do a lot of stuff that we did when we “only” had 2 babies. I knew that they would miss out on stuff we would have done if we hadn’t had another baby. But a friend brought me dinner one night and said, “Do they know what they’re missing? More importantly, are they happy?” And that’s all that matters. (I completely feel where you are coming from though!)
Leigh Ann recently posted..An apology to my husband
My first is turning 5 soon and I have yet to throw him a birthday party. (And frankly the fact that we’re intending to do one this year freaks me out.)
You know what I like about “fair”? “Fair” is not “the same.” Fair is what’s right for that person at that time. Fair might be different but just as good. And I think this is absolutely fair for Gavin.
Happy birthday to him. :)
Robin | Farewell, Stranger recently posted..Five Months to Firm
The two look equally happy in their birthday love (and cake).
Lady Jennie recently posted..Sometimes Everything is Perfect
look at those happy boys! Yes, it’s okay when things aren’t fair. Both of them were celebrated in their own unique ways. What I hope my children remember more than the physical memory itself, is they way they felt. :) I bet these boys felt honored :) Happy birthday Gavin!
The smiles say it all. You’re doing it right, mom. Marie and Elise have birthdays that fall during tournament week in soccer – what better way to celebrate than to play for a championship?
Oh yeah, there’s the cake. As long as you have the cake, the smiles and the hugs, it’s a birthday. At any age.
Eli@coachdaddy recently posted..Parenthood, in 6 Words