I keep opening the wrong drawers.
I have checklists for my realtor, for the mortgage broker, for what needs to be packed for storage and what needs to be packed for the immediate future, and I think I have everything together — except I can’t find my underwear. My dresser has been organized in the same way for almost eight years, and while I like to pretend I welcome change, I just never remember that I’ve moved almost everything from my drawers into a single drawer to last for the next few days.
Our family is in the middle right now. Our house is sold, and I guess I can’t even call it our house anymore. It’s definitely not our home anymore, belongings taped into boxes and piled in corners waiting to huddle together in storage. Our hopefully-next house isn’t yet fully purchased, and we won’t realistically move in until sometime towards the end of August. My parents have graciously offered to save us from homeless status for the next month or so, but we’re still bouncing in the space between homes.
We’re in limbo.
I’d love to associate limbo with the catchy “limbo limbo limbo” game, gracefully arching below a bamboo pole, but truthfully every time I’ve tried to limbo I bump into the pole, stumble forward and trip to the side while people bend lower and lower towards the ground. I feel that clumsiness now — falling behind with my running schedule, missing personal deadlines, forgetting to send e-mails because I’ve jotted them onto a piece of paper instead of climbing over a box to find my trusted planner.
My head is so grateful to be in this place: Our house sold! We found a new house!
A year ago I wouldn’t have believed those joint statements would possibly be uttered for at least a few more years. But in the quiet moments, my stomach roils at the millions of changes that go into a move.
New pediatricians. New grocery stores. New parks to learn, so that I know exactly how far I can wander before my three-year old decides to hurtle himself to a fireman’s pole he may or may not successfully maneuver.
I hide the greater part of my fears to allay the ones I see in my five-year old’s eyes. I temper the tears that fall, teetering between letting her know it’s absolutely-positively-100% normal to be excited and sad at the same time and scaring her with my own uncertainty. I press my face into her hair and pull back to look in her eyes like the big girl she is.
We talk about the things that we’ll miss and the exciting things that await us as we move forward. We talk about how home isn’t our walls but the people within them. My words aren’t just for her heart but for mine as well.
We’re in limbo, but we’re learning to bend beneath that bamboo pole together.
Oh, I know this feeling intimately. Everyone wants me to be so excited about the move, but right now there are just so many other things to do and stress to deal with and organizing to be done. Moving really displaces us, both physically and emotionally (and probably mentally, too), doesn’t it?
Thank you so much for being here today, Angela! This post is lovely.
Laura O’Rourke recently posted..Writing Home
It’s one of the most stressful things I’ve been through, and I think it’s because there are so many different phases that each have their own challenges.
angela recently posted..Stacked Boxes and Finding Home
Underwear are just a waste of money :)
I am sure you will get through it, but I don’t think I’ll ever move by choice. I never even liked packing up my dorm each year.
Dylan is SUCH a fan of that concept. He will now put on shorts voluntarily but underwear is a whole other matter…
I am hoping our new (to us) house is a long term thing. Until I can move into a senior citizen home where there are buses to casinos and lots of bingo.
angela recently posted..Stacked Boxes and Finding Home
This made think back to when I was in between homes too and living in hotels. Searching for normalcy and routine was hard. A year later after being in a new home I feel like I am starting to find my groove now. You will get there.
Very honest post Angela.
Alma recently posted..The Mad Hatter in Wonderland …part one
There’s something about being in the middle that’s really stressful. I’m glad I’m able to be at my parents’ at least. The hotels must have been difficult, and I’m glad you’re finding a good groove again!
angela recently posted..Stacked Boxes and Finding Home
That limbo/living-out-of-boxes feeling is the WORST! There is so much excitement yet…boxes. I’m so excited for you and your family and your new adventure, but yes…the sadness of leaving a first home is, well, sad.
Katie Sluiter recently posted..Does This Church Make Me Look Fat? {Book Review}
One of the things that makes it hard is I doubt Dylan will remember much of anything (if at all) about the house, and I will have SO MANY of their childhood memories tied to it.
angela recently posted..Stacked Boxes and Finding Home
We moved when Cady was a baby, and we sold our house before we ever found a new one. My mom was gracious enough to let us stay with her in her two bedroom condo. ALL of our things went into storage except for a few clothes and Cady’s baby gear. It was a weird time. I was so happy to be in our house. You guys will get through this, and be stronger for it in the end.
Jennifer recently posted..Growing Old Together
Oh, that must have been tough! Trying to adjust to all the different things you learn with a baby AND not having a “nest” so to speak. I know we’ll get through it… mostly sane, hopefully :)
angela recently posted..Stacked Boxes and Finding Home
The limbo stage is surreal, isn’t it? It’s like, your things don’t have a home, and neither do you, and OMG where do I park my ass when I just want to sit down with a bowl of ice cream and not think about allthethings?
Oh sorry, was projecting. :)
I’m excited for you and your new home!
Alison recently posted..Confessions
Yes! Allthethings are in my brain. And it’s weird not being somewhere alone with Ryan after the kids go to bed. I obviously spend a ton of time working at night, but that’s when we normally get a chance to talk about grown up stuff, and it’s hard to feel “private” now.
angela recently posted..Stacked Boxes and Finding Home
I know it’s a strange place, that limbo. I’ve been there a few times myself. I look forward to your post(s) about you being settled. :)
Elaine A. recently posted..Stormy
I’m looking forward to it, too! I’m sure I’ll find something else to worry about :)
angela recently posted..Stacked Boxes and Finding Home
Your emphasis on the difference between a “house” and a “home” made my eyes tingle.
I’ve felt that deeply this year.
I hope – very soon – you will be able to open the right drawer and feel at home :-)