(Written a few days before we closed on the new house.)
There was once a place that I thought was perfect. I’d lay there and know that nothing could touch me. Not stress. Not anger. Not sadness. Not pain. The world disappeared and I was free to just breathe. I remember that place so vividly, I can feel it.
In every good relationship, there is a period of sheer bliss. The universe still exists, and so do pressures and work demands and other relationships. But it is possible, in those blinded-by-love times, to push that all away. In Dan’s arms I felt so much peace and comfort. The world softened and my anxiety waned. I was absolutely certain that if I could just marry this man, just spend every day wrapped in his arms, nothing would ever be wrong again.
Marriage doesn’t work like that. Love doesn’t work like that. Life doesn’t work like that.
There are times when I get to the end of the day and he wraps his arms around me and my mind drifts back to that feeling of ease that used to come with being in his strong arms. I wonder when it started to be replaced with a feeling of entrapment. I never feel like I can stop and rest and stay anymore. What changed? Was it him? Was it me? Was it life?
And sometimes I contemplate how we share rooms as children only to grow up and insist on our own space and move out and move on and expand our independence only to find someone to share a bed with again. Why do we share a bed when we’d probably sleep better in our own space?
These questions hit me hard because I still remember that time, not so long ago, when I wanted nothing more than to spend every night and all day in bed with this man. Staring the overwhelming world head on, arm in arm, somehow made it dwindle in stature. Together we were unbeatable. Unstoppable.
Do you remember?
In the midst of this move, we are forgetting ourselves more and more. We forgot to date on our anniversary. We forget to kiss when we first see each other after work. We forget to say “I love you good night.” before drifting off. Instead, we are replacing these with fights and tales of bad days and this bad habit going to bed at different times, bellies and heads fill of anxiety.
We can’t face this alone.
I couldn’t sleep. What used to be an overwhelming exhaustion from pregnancies and sleepless nights and long days of baby loving has turned into a racing mind filled with upcoming dates and deadlines unmet and growing lists. I lie in bed, the world crushing me, and I remembered. I remembered when the world couldn’t touch me when I was in your arms. I remembered a time when I would close my eyes and know that we were stronger together.
On the hottest night of the year I moved my leg closer. My back arched toward you. Touching. Together. Sharing a bed. Sharing the anxiety. Sharing the journey. Staring the rest.
I could finally sleep.
That perfect place is still there. Nothing has changed. I just forgot about it. And tonight, as you toss and turn thinking about the hell of a day you had trying deal with the mortgage and the finances, you reach over to me and caress my leg. You encourage my head to rest on your chest. You wrap your arms around me.
You feel it too.
I love you good night.
Sometimes in the morning David will hug me, and I have to say, “stop, you’re making me sleepy.” He’s my comfort.
Jennifer recently posted..10 Things to Do In Galveston, TX
This. This is where I am right now. My life, my marriage, my thoughts, having forgotten. But, what happens when you remember but it’s been so long that the fear behind moving your leg closer, and how it will be responded to, keeps your leg still as a log? What then?
Arnebya recently posted..Just Write: By Now
Great post Laura and so true…the strain of working, children, moving etc can really put strain on a relationship. I think you identified some great points here and very well written :) I hope the unpacking is going well and you are all starting to feel more settled in!!
i was listening to a song the other day
“if i lay here, if i just lay here. would you lie with me and just forget the world?”
it so reminded me of the days you described…that are sometimes too far from our minds.
i loved this post. it warmed my heart. and was another reminder for me.
candice recently posted..Happy Birthday to Me!
Beautiful and touching, Laura.
We’ve been married for 13 years and there have definitely been times when I had forgotten, especially during times when i needed to remember most. Now i really try and not forget anymore, because we are stronger together (it also helps that we moved our bedroom into the basement, away from the kids and it’s nice and cool there ;))
Kerstin @ Auer Life recently posted..Countdown
LOVED this! Once again, your words make things easier….make life make sense. I accepted the job today (and haven’t told him bc I’m waiting to surprise him at the airport tomorrow) but we’ve been apart almost 2 months, will be together for 4 days, and then I’m driving half-way across the country to move in with his parents. I’m afraid I too will forget how to find my comfort in him, and how to share this crazy journey.
Lovely, Laura. It is so true – sometimes when things get busy and stressful we can start drifting away from our comforts, our strength. I am glad that you drifted back together again. We are all stronger together.
Kim@Co-Pilot Mom recently posted..The Shift
Yes. Every single word. The different bedtimes is what I hate the most. I go to sleep earlier since I get up earlier and he’s up late studying. It sucks.
Marriage is work. Anyone who said or thinks otherwise, is fooling themselves. You’re right – love, life, warm places, hearts in sync, leg touching – it’s all natural and easy, yet hard and not really.
Alison recently posted..Afros and Muffins
I know this. All of it. Sometimes we just have to take a deep breath and let all that stuff go for a bit and remember where we started. Just like you did here.
Elaine A. recently posted..A picture, a thousand words, you know the saying
I think just about every relationship and every person goes through phases of this, whether short-lived or long. The best thing is that you’re aware of it, you recognize it, and you want something different. A change. Something better or back to good. I do believe you’ll get there. xx
I think you’re onto something here. If we forget all the things that came between the bliss-filled days and right now, just for a moment, we can rest in that moment, together.
It’s always, always work. For us, it is always worth it.
Beautiful post!
Andrea recently posted..DIY Photo Album
I’m not sure how I missed this post.. glad I finally saw it.
I just wanted to say that we need the not-so-good times to appreciate the good times, but even then, the not-so-good times can really suck. I hate that but it’s part of life.
Thank you for the reminder to stick my leg out.
K recently posted..Wordless Wednesday and iPPP: Back to school for the first time
That was beautifully written. Sometimes in the midst of our busy, stressful lives, we tend forget about the little things that make a relationship real and true, like an embrace during bedtime. My husband is my source of comfort and I immediately feel a sense of peace the moment he wraps his arms around me.
Susan recently posted..Treatments for Blocked Fallopian Tubes