I keep staring. I just can’t take my eyes off of you. Last weekend, someone told me that you must have had a growth spurt lately because you look like you’ve grown. I just shrugged it off. I must not have noticed because I see you day after day.
On Thursday you turned four. And since then, I haven’t been able to stop looking at you.
You gained a year. You grew up. It all happened so fast.
There isn’t anything dramatically different about you. Nothing changed over the last few days since I shrugged off that comment about your growth spurt. But you are pretty sure things have changed. You “feel” four now. You feel older. You feel “cool”. You definitely don’t feel three anymore. But here’s a truth that you eventually learn as you get older: Birthdays don’t change you very much. Those changes that you see and experience year after year happen gradually over time. They are barely felt and mostly noticed in retrospect. They are daily milestones and not-even-milestones. They are observed in the snapshots. You wait for them only to discover that they’re already happening. Aging doesn’t just happen on March 6th.
While you don’t know this, I do. Yet, in my eyes and in my heart and in my head – those things that aren’t quite objective all of the time – you have aged a year in the blink of an eye. “He looks a year older”, I told your Daddy as we sat at the breakfast table on Friday morning. I couldn’t take my eyes off of you.
You have grown taller. You’ve leaned out even more. Your legs and your arms don’t seem to end. You are powerful and energetic and talkative and we can carry on conversations and sometimes I forget that you’re only four. You are your very own, very special person. You are constantly surprising me with your memory and your grasp of numbers.
We went to a party the other day with other adults and other kids. For a while, you were the oldest among all the kids. There were newborns and babies and toddlers and you, Cameron. It was like looking at a montage of your life, all at once. You, sleeping in my arms. You, playing in an exersaucer. You, needing to be picked up over and over again. And then, the reality that is you now: You, playing with toys instead of discovering them. You, owning your environment instead of retreating from it. You, in charge of your body and your movements and your very fast motions. You. Big. Not small.
You are so present in my mind that I can almost not imagine the Cameron-who-was-just-born or the Cameron-who-was-learning-to-sit-and-crawl-and-walk. Your bigness continues to shock me and I’m forced to reevaluate you. You keep insisting you’re a “big boy”, and I have to agree. Except, I don’t want to forget your littleness either, even the littleness in your fourhood.
On the night when you were four-plus-a-day, you ran up to me, and talked talked talked, just like you had been doing all night. But instead of throwing numbers at me, made up scores from an make-believe sport, you made a confession.
“I don’t want to be an adult, Mommy”.
“Why not, baby?” I asked.
“Because I don’t want to stop being your little kid.”
Oh, sweetheart. You are my little kid. That will never, ever change. Even now that you’re four. Even when you’re 24. Even when you’re 44 and I’m a grandmother.
My little kid. You are loved. So, loved. In all your little and bigness.
Happy Birthday,
Mama
This was precious. Hold on to these days while you can. Tightly. But yes, he’ll always be your baby boy.
Kiran recently posted..What I Didn’t Expect When I Was Expecting
I’m doing my best to hold on! :) Thanks!
Love that picture of the two of you! Four is the age where the big starts. It’s so true. xo
I’ve been thinking about these words all day: “Four is the age where the big starts”. Yes yes yes. That’s it. I should have just put that sentence up there and left the blog post as that. ;)
Laura O’Rourke recently posted..Cameron at 4
*Tear* What at beautiful tribute, Laura! (and Happy Birthday, Cameron!)
The last time I blinked my son grew to 5’3″… but he will still be my baby, always :)
Kerstin @ Auer Life recently posted..Parenting Policy Update
Thank you, Kerstin! I cannot imagine my boy being as tall as me (and taller) but I am sure it will happen, oh my goodness!
Laura O’Rourke recently posted..Cameron at 4
You choked me up! The gradual growing is amazing to me. I mean, of course it happens but it’s just SO different when you’re the one watching it happen, not the one actually doing it. :) Tim and I were just talking about Katie like this the other day, even though she is just coming up on her half birthday she seems like such a big girl now. She will be 5 in Oct. and I am freaking out a bit about my baby being FIVE!
This is beautiful. Happy Birthday to your sweet, adorable boy!
5! I can’t even imagine it! It does seem so big!
That gradual growing is so interesting. Cameron sometimes gets sad because he doesn’t think he is growing. Speaking of which, I really should start a growth chart on one of our walls! :)
Laura O’Rourke recently posted..Cameron at 4
This is so sweet. Four year olds are really a lot of fun. And what a handsome boy he is!
Greta @gfunkified recently posted..Catch Me If You Can #HuggiesTester
Aww, thanks, Greta! I’m looking forward to 4. It will be great!
Laura O’Rourke recently posted..Cameron at 4
Happy Birthday Cameron!
Four is definitely a lot bigger than three. But they’re still our baby. Always will be.
Alison recently posted..Weaned
Always!
Laura O’Rourke recently posted..Cameron at 4
This is so sweet, Laura! Happy belated birthday to Cameron. :)
Heather H recently posted..Quick weekend recap with some pics :)
Thank you Heather!
Laura O’Rourke recently posted..Cameron at 4
Awwww, I loved this letter, really sweet and touching. The picture of you two is also very nice. Happy belated birthday to the little Cameron! :)
This post brought tears to my eyes. My son Jonah will be turning four next week and you summarize how I feel. Thanks for sharing.
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