I believe in marriage. I wholeheartedly believe I know what it takes to be a loving wife, a wonderful mother…a fabulous partner. I know that saying those vows in front of all of your friends and in the name of God was by far one of the most important things I’ve ever done.
The moment I was married, I felt content. I knew that this was what I’d wanted. That creating a partnership with someone you cherish, raising a family together, facing the joys and tough times…was something absolutely beautiful.
Before I was married I asked my Pop for his advice…for his “secret” to a long and happy marriage. His answer…”never fall out of love at the same time.”
That advice gave me the understanding that we fall in and out of love, there are many ups and downs, peaks and valleys…but it’s ok. Together, we could get through anything.
So…why did it fail?
Why did it all fall apart?
I know the specific incident that ended it…but what got it to that point? What got it so off rails that an infidelity so outrageously painful would happen to a marriage that I adored? How was I so blind that I didn’t see it coming?
It’s five and a half years later…and I still don’t fully know.
I don’t know when it happened. I don’t know what I did to escalate it. I don’t know my part in the whole “there are two sides to every story”…I don’t know when we stopped communicating or believing that together we could face the world.
I couldn’t begin to tell you when he fell out of love…and how I didn’t see it when I was still feeling it so deeply. I was in that “marriages go through tough times” phase…knowing it would get better…and he had checked out.
Long before it actually ended.
I remember the day a friend told me how fearful she was of her own marriage…because if it could happen to me…it could happen to anyone!
Hindsight is a funny thing. After much counselling to get me to this place I am today…I realize that I wasn’t in the marriage I thought I was in. It’s been brought to my attention that I tried a little harder than my partner. While I was making excuses and hiding from what was in front of my face…I was doing great harm to a marriage that I’d believed in so deeply. Keeping the peace was in fact, creating a war.
While I wanted to believe I was in a happy marriage…I now know better…and there’s little I could have done to make a difference.
I believe in marriage. I believe in commitment. I believe in all of the things it takes to be successful…to get through the ups and downs and have a healthy, happy, long and fulfilling relationship. I believe in Love. I believe a marriage takes trust, commitment, accepting each others faults, faith, compassion, patience. Marriage means putting your family first, working as a team, communicating through the hard times…for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and health…to love and to cherish.
But what one person believes makes a happy, healthy marriage…a marriage that is worth fighting for and will stand the test of time…only matters, if both people feel the same way.
Great post, Colleen.
Last summer I got married for the second time, after having my first marriage crash and burn. So obviously, I believe in love and marriage, too. It’s very difficult to do after having gone through a divorce once.
Marriage is work. I don’t buy into it when people say that marriage shouldn’t be work. Of course it should! Any relationship requires work and effort on the parts of people in it. I guess maybe some people just have a different definition of work than I do, I don’t know.
In any case, going through the marriage and divorce process and now being re-married I have come to realize this. It takes two people to make a marriage work, but only one to destroy it. Yes, marriages go through ups and downs (I think the advice your Pop gave you about not falling out of love at the same time was spot on) but marriages will only make it through those lows if you’re both committed and willing to do the work involved to make things get better. If you don’t have that, then the marriage is doomed to failure. I learned that one the hard way.
Thanks for your post, I really enjoyed reading it. :-)
Momma Sunshine recently posted..The Stuff That Truly Matters
Ahhhh Momma Sunshine! I look to your situation and hold out a great amount of hope for my own future!
I love this post!
Your Grandfather had it right. Many of his generation must have been told the exact same advice because I have heard this before. It’s brilliant and simple, isn’t it? It’s great advice because let’s face it there are days! (weeks? months? Years?)
Ultimately, the thing that keeps couples together (besides love and all that jazz!) is always moving forward towards the same goal.
Peady recently posted..No Need to Shake it Like a Polaroid Picture – Peady’s Photo A Day Challenge
He genuinely was a brilliant man! I still seek his advice…but now I have to turn my head towards the clouds to do so!
I think that is so true – both people in the marriage have to be on the same page and committed to going the distance together. One person cannot carry all the love and dedication – it would be too heavy to bear.
Kim recently posted..The Gift of Brothers
“It would be too heavy to bear”…that comment brought me to tears! Thank you Kim.
I found this post very moving. Thank you for sharing it!
Christopher Drew recently posted..The Marriage Dilemma
Thank you Chris.
Colleen, this is so lovely. Thank you for being so open and honest and sharing your story on my blog. It is the scariest part of marriage to me – the part that BOTH parties need to be in it for the long haul. And I’m seeing more than one marriage break down for this very reason. It is heartbreaking.
I love you and I love this and I’m so very glad that you believe in marriage and that you shared it here. xo
Laura recently posted..What I believe…
Thank you Laura. It really was tough to write it. A lot of things that I’ve not quite admitted on my own blog…and maybe not even to myself.
My next marriage…I’ll get it right!
Amen Colleen… you know I’m in the same space… but I do believe I’ve managed to find someone who actually, truly feels the same way about what it takes for a happy marriage. If this one doesn’t work out… I’m done.
Anita…I’m sure it will work out BEAUTIFULLY!
Oh, I love this so very much. And your father was absolutely right–I think it’s over when both parties fall out of love. And stop trying. Thank you so very much for your honesty and courage in writing this post. XOXO
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