Being a young, remarried widow complicates things.
I’m almost 34 now. I’ve been married to my second husband for nearly six years, and was married to my first for only about three.
Each marriage produced two children, and all four are two years or less apart in age.
I never in a million years expected to be in the situation I’m in now, trying to tread the choppy waters of so many in-laws, different last names, and two men that I’ve given my love, heart, and life to, both of whom need to be valued and loved wholly and separately.
I tread the waters between cherishing memories of my first marriage without disrespecting my second. I navigate the emotions of each anniversary carefully…marriage, death, marriage.
So many people look to me, each from different perspectives and stages of grief, and it’s extremely difficult to appreciate where they all are coming from at any given time. Why do they do what they do? Why didn’t they celebrate that birthday, but offered presents for this one? Do they know where I’M coming from, why I do what I do? Does it matter?
I don’t always explain why I have a second husband and not a “one and only” but I almost always feel like I should. I don’t know why…there’s nothing wrong with divorce, leaving one person to find someone that does make you happy. But I didn’t choose to leave my first husband, even though I assume that’s what people think. My kids do have different last names, but in almost six years, I’ve only uttered the phrase “half sibling” maybe twice. They’re siblings. Siblings that are different in so many ways and alike in so many others.
I’m the common denominator, I guess, between them, and the web of family members that has grown and tangled and crossed and come together. Marriage does that, and when it happens twice, unexpectedly?
It’s complicated.
I love and admire how you’re navigating these complex situations with so many people, so many relationships, and because it wasn’t divorce, there’s no real severing of ties with anyone.
I think you’re doing wonderfully, you’re the glue that holds everything and everyone together.
Alison recently posted..Once Upon A Time
Thank you so much, Alison. I know you’ve always got my back. xo
Greta recently posted..Through the Lens Thursday: Lemon
Thank you for sharing your story. Marriage is always complicated, and with so many people it can get even more so. I admire what you are doing and your children are beautiful. Thank you for sharing. :)
Jenessa Mullen recently posted..A Craft, a Lazy Day and a Song to Get Stuck in Your Head
Thank you so much for reading, Jenessa, and for your kind words!
Greta recently posted..Through the Lens Thursday: Lemon
I’ll never look at marriage the same again..because of your beautiful and wise words.
I have a mom who is a widow and remarried…I now have a SIL who is a widow and hopefully will remarry someday and I know how complicated the life can be and also how LOVE opens its arms to enfold all of us.
Thank you for sharing this, it’s a truly eloquent way to show us how it looks inside. Much love to you and your Family(ies)
Kir recently posted..The Thing You Never Knew
Oh, Kir, thank you. If I’ve learned anything from sharing this post, it’s that there are more of us out there than I knew!
Greta recently posted..Through the Lens Thursday: Lemon
Sometimes I think about your story and I’m in awe of your strength and capacity to love. I think a lot of people would have never been able to trust or love again, but you do, and I think that is amazing.
Jennifer recently posted..Depression Lies, My Story
Jennifer, thank you. That means a lot to me.
Greta recently posted..Through the Lens Thursday: Lemon
It’s amazing how you navigate the complicatedness, Greta! Being the common denominator not only for the joy, but also for the grief. Complicated indeed. xoxox
Kerstin @ Auer Life recently posted..Coming Out
It’s hard sometimes, you know, Kerstin? But I have so much support in my corner. Thank you.
Greta recently posted..Through the Lens Thursday: Lemon
love you, G. You tread the waters so well. xo.
Thank you, Sarah. I do my best. :)
Greta recently posted..Through the Lens Thursday: Lemon
Greta, I often wonder how you manage it. It must be a crazy balancing act, dealing with the memory of your first husband with the love of your second. And I don’t think you ever need to say “half” siblings, because they are “half” by genetics only. Certainly that language doesn’t fit your situation. But it must be so hard to find language to fit your situation. I think you did it very well here.
Love you. Thank you for sharing with me here today.
Laura O’Rourke recently posted..It’s Complicated
Thank you so much for letting me pour it all out, Laura! And embracing it with open arms here. And you’re right….the language is another complication! We work through the best we know how, you know?
Greta recently posted..Through the Lens Thursday: Lemon
This does sound complicated. You are walking this path with grace though. You are inspiring.
Kia recently posted..#EarthMama On the Road
Thank you so much, Kia, for being here and always being so supportive.
Greta recently posted..Through the Lens Thursday: Lemon
It literally dawned on me just the other day that my kids aren’t all “full” siblings. I don’t think I’ve ever said half to anyone either.
Sherry Carr-Smith recently posted..What is Wrong With You?
Right, Sherry? Try telling my girls that. You’d probably get a death stare. Thank you so much for always, ALWAYS being there for me. xo
Greta recently posted..Through the Lens Thursday: Lemon
I think you are navigating the waters brilliantly. A lot of families are complicated these days, and it can be tough. But it can also be beautiful.
Roxanne recently posted..Conversations with my son: On equality
Thank you, Roxanna. It is tough sometimes, but SO beautiful. I could never say that I wish things had happened differently, but I also could never say I wish they hadn’t. Because either way, I wouldn’t have this family that I love so much.
Greta recently posted..Through the Lens Thursday: Lemon
Greta- I think you are doing an amazing job and I’m so happy that you were able to be blessed with two men in your lifetime to give you children and love.
Thank you. I WAS so blessed. I’m a lucky, lucky girl.
Greta recently posted..Through the Lens Thursday: Lemon
Greta, You show such strength. I imagine there were days that you didn’t feel strong but here you are embodying it anyway. I met you a little bit ago and had no idea this was part of your story. Thank you for sharing it here and helping me be a little bit more sensitive.
Angela recently posted..Plexus Giveaway
Thank you, Angela! Yeah, most people don’t know that about me (unless they know me personally or read my blog, I guess) and it’s not something I talk about very much. But it does come up, especially when I talk about the kids. Thank you for reading!
Greta recently posted..Through the Lens Thursday: Lemon
There seems to be nothing half, or second, about your family. It is about love, resilience, overcoming and continuing. Those are such admirable lessons, thank you for sharing them with us.
Thank you so much, Debi..that means a lot!
Greta recently posted..Through the Lens Thursday: Lemon
Thank you for sharing your complicated, grace-filled journey with us!
anna whiston-donaldson recently posted..Heart Issues
I know you know how hard it can be, and also how freeing (maybe?) it can be, and how it makes the world so much smaller when you learn about people that relate to your struggles because you shared them.
Greta recently posted..Through the Lens Thursday: Lemon
Greta-
What a great post. Much like the others above a family is a family. I think with all the differences in family structure most kids don’t even notice that their family is different then any other family and that is what is important. You are an amazing mom who loves them and has given them a life full of people who love and care about them. What’s great is that part isn’t complicated!
Erica, yes! That is the easy part! Thank you.
Greta recently posted..Through the Lens Thursday: Lemon
Greta,
Well said. I’m sorry you lost your first husband. I’m happy that you have such a beautiful family. And, I understand how others view different families. My son is now grown (28) and I was divorced from his father. My daughter is young (13) and adopted in China by me only. It’s crazy how we became a family, but I love it each and every moment and cherish it all. Often times, others ask the stupidest questions!!! I could have phrased this better but “stupidest” really fit. Best of luck to you, sweet girl and so very happy we had the chance to meet this year. Hugs.
Dana@chocolateandsunshine recently posted..Casual Living Room w/ a Beach Vibe /Home Tour
Dana, thank you! Yes…people definitely get curious and ask all kinds of things. Thankfully, for me (maybe not for them) they are a little shocked when they find out and don’t know what to say!
Greta recently posted..Through the Lens Thursday: Lemon
Oh, this is beautiful. You navigate those waters with such grace and love. xoxo
jana recently posted..This Week In Numbers: The Medical Mystery Tour
Thank you so much, Jana.
Greta recently posted..Through the Lens Thursday: Lemon
Wow Greta, this was so powerful, so beautifully written. I could feel your fine balance.
Carolyn Y recently posted..Sometimes
Thank you, Carolyn. It’s not something most people would think about or understand, I guess, so I’m glad I was able to share a little bit about this part of my life here.
Greta recently posted..Through the Lens Thursday: Lemon
As the father of your first husband I am proud to still refer to you as my “daughter-in-law”. I am torn but at the same time impressed to see you second husband being called “daddy” by you first two children. I had worked out the kinks I have had with that after a lengthy one-on-one with your current husband. He has shown me that he respects them as his own. Your devotion to both of Justin’s children while still devoting time to later 2 is commendable and deserving of accolades.
I only wish I had the means to spoil all them in the manner I feel they should be.
Thank you, Carter. I know it’s never been easy, and I understand that even more since my brother died. I have always appreciated the way you and everyone else in Justin’s family have welcomed T. and the kids and were able to see how he has accepted H. and I. as his own, as have his family. I know J. wanted nothing more than for me to be happy and taken care of. I’m very, very lucky to have this huge support system around me, and as complicated as it is to juggle everytihng and plan, I wouldn’t change it.
Also, if we all (myself included) spoiled the kids the way we wish we could, we’d have four kids that nobody would want to be around! Ha!
Greta recently posted..Through the Lens Thursday: Lemon
Greta, this is amazing. So heartfelt and powerful, and your strength really shows. I didn’t tell you, because it felt weird, but hearing you talk on the phone to your children in the hotel room at BlogHer brought so much joy to my heart. You are an amazing women and mother.
Aw, thank you, Leigh Ann! You totally could have told me. I always feel a little weird having a conversation like that in front of people, because you never know what they’re thinking. :)
Greta recently posted..Through the Lens Thursday: Lemon
It’s hard to appreciate others’ feelings in “normal” families, but when things get complicated, the appreciation gets that much more difficult. You are strong and loving and navigating and teaching. I like to think that your four children have extra people in the world to love them, no half about it.
Arnebya recently posted..#BlogHer14: Traveling, Enjoying, Returning, Continuing
They really do, A. They (and I) are really lucky to have so many people in their corners. You should see when they have a school program or grandparents day!! It’s nuts….we take up a whole row. I love that part of it….it’s just the logistics that stresses me out sometimes, and trying not to hurt anybody’s feelings.
Greta recently posted..Through the Lens Thursday: Lemon
It certainly is complicated. And beautiful all at the same time. Finding true love twice is pretty amazing. Although complicated you are also so very blessed. But I know sometimes it’s hard to feel that way. I’m so glad you wrote this post. People need to know that it’s not always cut and dry or even what they may think. Love you.
Thank you, Elaine. I definitely think that people don’t realize that there is that aspect to it, you know? My kids all have SO many people that love them, and I just have to figure it out. :)
Greta recently posted..Through the Lens Thursday: Lemon
This is painful and complicated … but a beautifully, perfectly worded post. And you are a brave soul, even when you feel like you’re just ordinary.
Jennie Goutet recently posted..Vlog #2 – How to Scold Your Kids in French
Oh thank you, Jennie. I don’t feel brave…in fact, I usually feel very UNbrave. But, I do what I have to do, you know?
Greta recently posted..Through the Lens Thursday: Lemon
So complicated. I’ve often wondered how you navigate all that, but I haven’t asked because I thought it might be insensitive. I’m sorry. I admire the sensitivity with which you consider all the implications of this situation and I admire you for sharing that point-of-view with others.
Robin @ Farewell Stranger recently posted..Robin Williams, Suicide and the Effect on Others
Robin, you can ask me anything. I know that you would never intend to BE insensitive even if you don’t know exactly how to word something. I’m happy to talk about it (sometimes, it can be lonely to keep it all in, you know?).
Greta recently posted..Through the Lens Thursday: Lemon
Beautifully written. I grew up in a divorced/remarried family. Different, but similar in that I completely get the sibling thing. My half-brother was raised daily with my sister and me, and he’s totally just our brother.
Sarah @ 2paws Designs recently posted..DIY Cork Boats
Thank you, Sarah! Yes, absolutely. My husband has never treated my older two like they weren’t his own, and we’ve never talked like they weren’t true siblings, either. (Not to say that we don’t talk about my first husband, because we definitely do) Because they are, and I’d be shocked if they ever acted any differently!
Greta recently posted..Through the Lens Thursday: Lemon