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a blog by Laura O'Rourke

grace in the moment

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My Rock

Guest Post on Mommy Miracles

Writing Vows

When you are the kind of person who says things like, “I’d rather have an engagement car than an engagement ring.” (Practical to a fault? Maybe.) you really hope those words are taken to heart.

You don’t say these things lightly and you don’t say them to be dramatic or facetious. You say them because you mean them.

And just to be clear, when I say, “you say them” I mean, “I say them”.

 

I mean what I say and I say what I mean and, despite the obvious (possibly blatant?) blog reference, I really do try to temper my words with kindness. You simply never know when the words you speak will be the last words someone hears.

I know this sounds like a very heavy or dark thought, but this is what I think about when I leave someone with a good, squeezy hug and an “I love you”. I assure you I reserve it for people I really do love. No need to worry about the crazy lady hugging random receptionists and telling cashiers that she loves them (at least not so far), but really, would that be so bad? (Well, yes. Admittedly, it would be very weird, but the world needs more “I love you”s and hugs, wouldn’t you agree? But I digress …)

Just think about it, though, if you will. Think quickly back to the last argument or squabble you had with your beloved. Was it something major or minor? Was it an earth shattering, we have got to get this figured out or we are doomed dilemma? Was it a Til Debt Do Us Part repartee? Were there skeletons jumping out of all the closets, demanding to be buried once and for all?

Or were you bickering about butter*? Was the last straw the last empty TP holder? Was yet another can of green beans about to cause you to come undone? Maybe more mustard made you mad?

Whatever it was, I’m willing to bet that if you didn’t run screaming from the room, it was simply not that big a deal. Forgotten. Forgiven. Moving on.

I would hate (and I reserve that word for very special situations) for the last words I say to my husband to be something to the effect of, “Oh for the love of all that is good and holy (wordy much?) why did you buy more mustard? NO MORE MUSTARD EVER!” (in my best Joan Crawford) or “Why can’t you just put the stupid bathroom tissue on the roll for once? I wouldn’t expect it to be done the *right* way or anything, but just once! Gah!” *heavy sigh* *Hermione Granger eye roll*

I mean, picture the ridiculousness of it all.

Can you imagine if your last conversation was about mustard?

I can’t control when that last conversation will be, but unless we are laughing about the multitude of shared ridiculousnesses (Totally made up a new word just then! Go me!) throughout our many, many, many years together, I hope to heavens that it is not about mustard.

We have already had so many.

 

Better yet, we have conversations about everything. There is no greater joy than talking with someone who really listens and cares about what you have to say. It’s a gift to still be able to talk into the wee hours, solving the problems of the world. There are certainly enough of those lately to keep us talking for a very long time.

It is an even greater gift, to be able to make each other laugh out loud on a daily basis. Not just polite oh-you-told-a-good-one-honey-insert-laugh-here laughs, but knee-slapping-belly-laughing-can’t-catch-my-breath guffaws.

There is nothing like the thrill of being able to make my husband laugh his big, LOUD, booming laugh. It’s especially awesome when I catch him off guard with a quip or a real zinger of a pun.

When he “gets me good”? I go silent. I can’t help it. Blame genetics. My face turns as red as a tomato, my mouth flies open like a Muppet, but no sound comes out. My shoulders shake. No. My shoulders laugh. Tears stream. This happens more than I care to admit. Often during family game nights.

Seriously, the last time we played Munchkin with the kids (Thing 1 & Thing 2) I was laughing so hard that we had to take a break. Thing 2 came to console me and my shaking shoulders. (She is so kind!) And just when I would start to feel mellow enough to play again, I would start giggling and that was it! Back to the silent, shoulder shake I’d go!

See? Ridiculousness.

It’s perpetual.

It’s not that everything is perfect (There’s a silly word!). Not at all.

Throughout our time together we have had to face adversity, just like any couple that is together for a long time, but thankfully we have always come out the other side a bit wiser, a bit stronger and with our senses of humour firmly intact.

 

I am just thankful that for the most part our collective ridiculousness has kept us laughing.

 

 

Now, I feel compelled to share with you my (engagement) rock.

Oh yes, after all the practicality and mind melding and seeing eye-to-eye on “stuff”, of *course* I received a rock.

See?

 

I don’t know what the secret to a long, happy marriage is. I don’t. I won’t pretend to. I am way too practical (and honest) for that.

What I do know is that when I say something and the person I love most in the world** believes me, I feel respected, honoured and loved.

It’s been 15 years and I can tell you without hesitation that there is a LOT of respect, honour and love happening around here.

 

I got a rock.

I couldn’t be happier.

 

*Butter has a special place in my marriage because when we were first married, I gave my husband a greeting card that showed a cartoon man looking into a fridge that was filled to the brim with little packages of butter. On the inside it read, “Hon, where’s the butter?”. Hah! Still funny to me after all these years.

**My husband. To be clear.

Writing Vows

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Comments

  1. Laureen, that is such great perspective -treating your spouse and family members the right way each time before you part, because like you say, you never know (though touch wood, we never have to know). It IS so much about kindness. People tend to reserve kindness and goodwill to strangers or people outside of our family, and treat their loved ones shabbily – why is that? Like Maya Angelou said, keep your smiles and good mornings to your family, rather than be grumpy with them, then go out into the world, and share sunshine with other people. It JUST MAKES SENSE.
    Alison recently posted..Exactly Where I Need To BeMy Profile

    • Yay! Tomato heads of the world unite! Imagine if we were ever in a comedy club together – what a scene we would cause.

      Of course we’d also cause quite a commotion with our time machine that takes us back a couple of decades to a “comedy club”. ;)

      My husband laughed out loud at your comment. I felt you should know. He wishes you good luck!
      Laureen MacDonald Farnam recently posted..A Guest AppearanceMy Profile

  3. Oh my, this is wonderful. I love your advice. And I think I love you! Your honesty, your practicality, the fact that your shoulders laugh!
    Thank you for sharing your story. After being with my husband for 16 years and married for 14, I relate to so much of this. After reading your story, I am inspired to give my husband, my kids and everyone more “I love yous” and hugs. Thank you!
    Angela Youngblood recently posted..My Very Own #SheetOutOfLuck Story #sponMy Profile

    • Aww. : ) Thank you! That’s just the nicest compliment! <3

      I was honoured to write for Laura (even technology conspiring against us couldn't stop me!). Truly.

      We did some marriage math today, too and figured out we've been together for 18 years and have known each other for 22. Whoa! My husband sure is getting old! Tee hee hee! :D

      Thank you for your kind words! They mean so much to me. If anyone in your life got a single *extra* hug or "I love you" today, my work is done.
      Laureen MacDonald Farnam recently posted..A Guest AppearanceMy Profile

  5. I think I want to hug you now. I love this so very much. While I identify with so much of it, the part about making your husband laugh is where I nodded the most. It is a feat for me and I notice it every time I’m able to do it, like a mental ticker in my mind like yes! because it’s so hard to make him barely chuckle.
    Arnebya recently posted..Marriage is All About Music, Magic, and MurderMy Profile

    • Oh! I want to hug you! Then apologize for my delay in replying (crazy busy!). Then hug you again! :D

      Thank you so much for reading and commenting. It really means a lot to me!

      Isn’t one, great-big, unexpected laugh the best?

      I figure as long as we have thing to make us laugh we are doing alright. ;)
      Peady recently posted..Happy Thursday: Silly Saves Me Edition.My Profile

  6. Your comments couldn’t have been more timely for me, and as an added bonus, I know what to get hubby for our 15th.

    • Hah! I love it! You’ll have to let me know how that goes over! :D

      Thank you so much for reading and commenting. It means a LOT!

      I hope you find just the right rock. :)

      Happy Anniversary!
      Peady recently posted..Saturday SillinessMy Profile

  7. I laughed reading your story…I believe our most recent blow-out was over DH buying yet another 2 packages of super evil – super fluffy hamburger buns….our freezer is bursting with frozen bread and bread products! But in the end we laugh and we laugh a lot and I have to agree with you about the last words to our dear ones- let it be the sound of ringing laughter and not the squabble over how many loaves of bread are in the freezer.

    • The perfect card for any occasion! Everything’s better with butter. :D

      You are so right about laughter when times are tough. Thank goodness! If a smile can be your umbrella then laughter can definitely be your storm cellar! ;)

      Thank you so much for reading!
      Laureen MacDonald Farnam recently posted..A Guest AppearanceMy Profile

  10. I love this post so much! It’s so true that when my partner and I argue it’s about the dumbest things. It’s so important to remember that none of that bad stuff matters and to focus on the good stuff (like silly inside jokes!).

    Loved this post!

    • Thank you so much for reading and commenting! You are so supportive. Thank you.

      So fun to have those inside jokes and even if we get a bit peeved now and then, the laughter keeps us going!

      Sometimes the silliness is the best thing to focus on – especially after a tough week. ;)
      Peady recently posted..Saturday SillinessMy Profile

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