So. I am 27. As of Thursday.
I had a birthday. A stay-at-home, put-on-a-dress, and-makeup-too, love-filled birthday. It was as fabulous as I could hope for being surrounded by my three best men on Valentine’s Day.
I like my birthday. The day is always love-filled and I am always placed right in the middle of it in my family – getting doted upon and waited on and showered with favorite things (scallops and white wine anyone?). But…
I don’t like getting older. I never really have. It isn’t the embarrassment of the age that gets me (I’m still too young for that). It isn’t even that I am afraid I’m getting too close to the end of forever. The fear and anxiety I feel lie with the past, not the future.
I always have that nagging sensation that I’m not quite done with my previous age. I worry that I didn’t accomplish everything I should have accomplished; didn’t seize every opportunity available. And maybe, just maybe, I’ll move on to the next year and miss 26; 16; 6.
That pesky nostalgia of ages, gnawing at my soul, holding me back from entering a new year with courage and intention.
I remember feeling this way when I turned 13. A teenager. So exciting, and yet? What if I missed childhood? Teenagerhood would always come, but I wouldn’t mind holding it off for just a while longer. If only I could. Each birthday passed and I felt like this. At 17. At 19. At 20. At 25. The worry that I might have held myself back in the previous year was holding me back from the coming one.
Birthdays are always a reminder of that constant worry that I am not living up to my potential. What have I accomplished in my life? What have I made of myself? Time, time, time is tick tick ticking away. And I am getting to the point where all my dreams should be realized, right?
Along with age comes maturity. And a little bit of understanding.
This year, for maybe the first time, I realized that 27 isn’t the end. Growing older doesn’t represent the end of something, but hopefully the beginning. I don’t need to have it all figured out yet. I don’t need to worry that I haven’t yet hit my stride or found my niche or fulfilled my dreams.
The truth is, I want to be something. I want to know my passions are being put to good use. I want to feel as though I am accomplishing something with my life. And believe it or not, I worry about this a lot. I have worried about it from the day I started realizing that those dreams that could all come true could only happen if I made them happen. But worrying doesn’t accomplish anything.
26 taught me that if I focus on what I love, my dreams will slowly start to become reality. With that in mind, 27 isn’t really that scary. Not even a little bit. In fact, it is downright exciting.
If this struggle resonates with you, be sure to read these too:
Great Expectations
Resolutions
Am I Happy?
You’re still a baby! I understand completely, though. Why do birthdays always have to come with self-reflection? One year, I’d like to skip that part. Or maybe not. Sigh. :)
Greta @gfunkified recently posted..Project 365 (Week 7)
Coming at you from the other side of forever, I can tell you that the perspective of 42 is this: Every decade is better. Stay healthy and you will love each year more.
Hope you had a wonderful birthday…and it sounds like you did! You are so young my friend :)
Natalie recently posted..A Valentine’s Play Date
I’m different – I approach each new year as an opportunity to ‘do over’ the parts of my life I think I didn’t do so well in. And I’m grateful. Always grateful. That I’m alive, that I’m here, that I have so much more than I did last year, other than an extra candle on the cake.
So yes, a new opportunity for you, absolutely. Also, 27? Baby. :)
Alison recently posted..Putting Thought, Paying Mind, Present For, And Proud
Oh my gosh, I was EXACTLY the same way. Turning 9 was unsettling, turning 13 was depressing and turning 19 was devastating. But when I hit 30, I realized that life was actually great, and though things were different than I had planned, I was perfectly satisfied. Embrace 27 and enjoy your year!
Tamara recently posted..Choosing to Wear that Kinda Weird Shirt
You know, I think you said it exactly how I’d been feeling about birthdays, but didn’t realize it. It isn’t the getting older necessarily, it’s the feeling that maybe you missed something about 25 or 17. It’s the opportunity that’s gone. But the past couple of years I tell myself that when I’m 40, I’ll look back at this age and say “Why didn’t do xyz when I was # years old?” So I might as well just go ahead and do it now and now kick myself years down the road. This was so well said. Thanks, Laura. You are wise beyond your years. :)
Rach (DonutsMama) recently posted..Fringe
Wow, I am sitting here reading this and realizing that I have never thought if it that way myself. Of course, now I might! Ha! My 38th birthday is coming up quick (end of next month!) and as I approach 40 I do see myself looking back more than forward at times. However, I know there are still so many good things to come and I guess that’s how I’ve always looked at birthdays and the passing of time.
Happy belated Birthday. You do have a pretty “Sweet” day to have been born and to celebrate! :-D
Elaine A. recently posted..Guitars and Stripes and Birdies, Oh My!
I have felt this exact same way with each birthday too. And I have noticed that it has held me back from embracing each coming year. I’m trying not to look at it that way anymore. Instead, I will focus on it as a new chance to start over. Plus, we’re only a day older than we were yesterday. If I look at it that way it doesn’t sting so much.
Hope you had a wonderful birthday!!
Kimberly recently posted..You Are My Hope
That is not my problem – my fear of aging is really just about losing beauty and health. I do feel like I’ve lived richly but I don’t want it to end too soon!
Lady Jennie recently posted..Life in the Trenches – Chapter 7
I often wonder the same things…did I spend the last year REALLY accomplishing anything and really living? I think you’ve done a great job and rocked being 26. Can’t wait to see what 27 has in store for you!
Courtney Kirkland recently posted..To Divide and Conquer