I started work on Monday after 1 year, 1 month, and 2 weeks of finding vocational purpose and fulfillment inside the home.
No matter how much you love work (which I do), or appreciate the merits of daycare (which I do), or desire to get out of the house (which I often do), returning to work after being your children’s primary caregiver is difficult. It is hard to wonder what your children are doing. It is hard to think about them getting upset and not being around to pick then up and hold them close. It is hard to imagine the firsts that you will miss because you are no longer spending the majority of your days with them.
Gavin is my Mama’s boy. His affinity for me manifests itself through the tantrums he throws when we are not together. He likes to be with me, close to me, holding me, nursing from me. For one of the happiest babies I have ever seen, he sure is vocal when he doesn’t have what he wants… And what he wants is me.
As many a mother will tell you, crying can push you over the edge even on a good day. In the throws of one of Gavin’s ear-piercing screams for me to hold him while trying to get things done, I admitted to him that I certainly wouldn’t miss that noise when I returned to work.
Still, it is nice to be wanted. It is comforting to be needed. It is flattering to be his one and only.
Cameron was a Mama’s Boy until he went to daycare. He gained independence and realized that he would be fine – and maybe even enjoy himself more – if he wasn’t always attached to Mama.
They need to grow up. They need to grow wings. They need to fly.
Right?
(Why does this ultimate purpose of motherhood seem so unnatural in the daily act of mothering?)
After my first day of work on Monday, I rushed home to find Dan and Gavin waiting at the door for me. Gavin’s face lit up as he reached out eagerly for his first Mama-snuggle in hours. But my big boy – the one who used to reach his own little chubby arms for me at one point – was standing in the living room declaring that he would not come see me because “I don’t love Mommy.”
(He was trying to make a joke. He was trying to be funny. He was trying to justify the changes in his routine.)
(And yet.)
I don’t love Mommy.
Unwanted. Unneeded.
The day I started work was the first day that Gavin stopped needing my breast every few hours. It was the first day that I wasn’t his one and only. It was the first day that I wasn’t needed. It was the day that will lead to the one where he won’t want me as much anymore.
I like work but I miss them. I miss my Mama’s-Boy baby, I miss my all-too-grown-up toddler. I might not miss the ear-piercing screams, but I do miss being wanted. I miss being needed. I miss being their one and only.
I’ve Written About These Feelings Before…
Stepping
New Mommy
Surviving Daycare
I’m sorry, Laura. I can only imagine what an adjustment this must be after so long. A year! So awesome that you had the opportunity to stay home with them that long.
Leigh Ann @ Genie in a Blog recently posted..Three out of five (and a disclaimer)
Awww I bet it is hard! Change is always difficult…you are such a good mommy I know it will get easier!
Natalie recently posted..Wordless Wednesday-Easter Style
*HUGS*
I totally understand how you feel. My oldest, the 7 year old, never wants to do anything with me anymore. He just wants his daddy. And I am scared to go back into the workforce for fear my youngest will too not need me anymore.
Insane Mamacita recently posted..An Apology To My Readers
It is so very bittersweet. Thinking of you as you continue to transition back to work. And the boys too… xo
Elaine A. recently posted..Old School Blogging – April
It’s such a hard transition, isn’t it? When I went back to work after my mat leave with Connor, he was mad at me. He didn’t know it, of course, but it was the same sort of reaction. The thing is, though, he did want and need you. He just doesn’t know how to express it. Kind of like if you leave a dog at home alone too long and he pees on your shoes. ;)
But I know what you mean. Not being their one and only is so, so tough.
Robin | Farewell, Stranger recently posted..2:40 a.m.
This is so hard! We’re planning to put the little one into a weekly (or 2 days a week) playgroup in January, and the idea of a couple of hours sans children is so appealing. Which made me think maybe I’ll get him in when he turns 1. Then I thought about what I’d miss if I did that. And I changed my mind. Sigh. It’s so hard, I absolutely commiserate.
But it’s good that you love your job. That’s a big plus.
Alison recently posted..Parenting Theories
Awww Laura – I wanted to give you a big hug on Monday…I was thinking about you so much!! I remember all too well my first day at work after mat leave – I cried that night wondering if I could do this. I cried the weeks leading up to it…I cried the night before as Gabe and I snuggled before I laid him down to sleep. Basically, I cried a lot. It is such a tough transition – and for you, I think one of the worst parts is over now – taking the first step out the door.
xoxo
I’ve been back at work for 2 months now (I’ve got a 3 yr old and a 5 month old) and I feel the exact same things you do. The part a out the ultimate purpose of motherhood feeling so unnatural – truer words were never spoken.
Tricia recently posted..These days. One more
You are so fortunate to have been able to spend so much time with them. Still, it’s never enough, is it? And it’s so hard to go back, but you have to know that you kind of will always be their one and only. At least until they hit puberty ;-)
It’s going to be an adjustment, but you can do it sister.
Kiran recently posted..How honest are your friends?
We are going to miss you and the boys on our Friday get togethers! But hopefully if you keep up all the great work here with your thoughtful reflections you can become a professional stay at home mom.
OR have you considered having another 17 children or 5-7 more at one time? I understand there is a possibility of making a lot of money being a Stay At Home Mom if you do it ‘right’.
Christopher D Drew recently posted..Role Reversal
Wow, that must have been a rough day for you.. I can only imagine how hard it would be to be seprated from your little ones all day.
Hopefully the transition from mat leave to work gets easier for you and your family :)
I’m having a horrible time in the morning with getting James to dress himself (he’ll be five in two weeks). He knows how. He just doesn’t want to. Yesterday I sat down on the sofa to put his socks on and asked, “how will you ever learn if you don’t do it?” “I’ll come get you to do it.” “Even when you are 40 years old and have kids of your own.” “Yep. I’ll drive over for you to put my socks on every day.”
I know we were playing with one another, but still, part of me would be okay with putting his socks on when he is 40. So yeah, I get this.
Jennifer recently posted..So you’re having a c-section, part 2
The famous French psychologist Françoise Dalto (sp) said that it is very normal for children to reject their parents just before or just after a separation. It’s how they sort through their feelings and it’s very healthy.
I’m sure you knew that but I wanted to send you extra comfort!
Lady Jennie recently posted..About Writing
You made me tear up! My son has recently started daycare once a week (I work from home) and I have been having such a hard time with letting go. I know I have to, but I still find it sad.
Mylene recently posted..To Cloth Diaper or Not?
It is so hard to watch them grow up and assert both their independence and displeasure at a change in routine. No matter whether they are with you 24/7 or only evenings and weekends, they will always still need you. Don’t lose sight of that. You will always be their mom and an incredibly important part of their lives.
Brandee recently posted..Love is love
So almost a month back, how is it going? My wife is also almost a month back and she seems to be pretty happy with work. Although I know she really misses the baby.
Michael recently posted..Day 17: Passport Photos And A Whole Lotta Pooh
Thanks for asking Michael!
It is going well. I do like work. The house is an absolute disaster though. And our dinners are much less healthy now that I’m not cooking everything. On the other hand, we also decided to start house hunting and are in the middle of getting all the conditions worked out to finalize a house sale. So, that’s put us in a bit of a whirlwind of activity. I look forward to getting back into a routine. I still feel like I don’t have everything balanced yet.
I’m glad your wife is enjoying work!
Laura O’Rourke recently posted..Book Review: The Light Between Oceans
When I initially commented I clicked the “Notify me when new comments are added” checkbox and now
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Thanks!
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