I love it when a friend comes to me and quietly announces her pregnancy. To know that I am trusted to hear this information before many others are learning of the news is an honour. With her I can hope and pray and plan as a little life grows inside of her, not yet ready for the world to know.
Announcing a pregnancy publicly before the second trimester used to be so taboo. This trend makes sense. If at least one in four pregnancies end in miscarriage, and 75% of miscarriages happen in the first trimester (source) then staying mum about an early pregnancy saves the possible grief of having to broadcast a pregnancy loss.
Now however, with the advent of social media and our decreasing sense of privacy, many pregnancies are shared right from the beginning. Home pregnancy tests are photographed and posted on Twitter before they are even dry. Pregnancy complaints are broadcast over the Internet for all to see.
Each time, I’m irked.
You see, I have been personally affected by miscarriage. Twice. I know that although many pregnancies are wonderfully exciting and result in a warm, snuggly baby, not all do. I know that one positive home pregnancy test does not always mean that a baby will be brought home in nine months. I know these things because I have experienced them.
So you’ll have to forgive me if I don’t swoon all over an internet friend’s early, public pregnancy announcement. You’ll have to excuse me for being reminded of each of those positive pregnancy tests that I looked at – tests that only held broken promises. You’ll have to bear with me when each completely rational early pregnancy complaint results in anger. You’ll have to overlook that I wonder and worry (but never hope) that these pregnancies will end in a loss. You’ll have to disregard the fact that I can’t celebrate a publicly announced early pregnancy.
Not yet.
I understand that this opinion makes me appear jaded and cold-hearted. And maybe I have built a thicker skin. But it is for my own protection. Otherwise, each pregnancy announcement would cause me to crumble. This hard exterior? It self-preserves.
I trust that these early pregnancy announcements do not demonstrate a complete disregard for the realities of pregnancy. I hope that this is simply a symptom of feeling incredibly comfortable sharing our lives – both the joys and the sorrows with the wider public.
I pray that I will stop taking this so personally.
It probably doesn’t make sense why I find so much joy in quiet, secretive pregnancy announcements and so much pain in early public announcements. But those announcements seem to demonstrate apathy towards my reality. I don’t want people to feel my pain, but I want them to recognize that it exists. I don’t want new moms to sit in panic during those first few weeks, but I also recognize that many women do.
I might keep my distance. I might offer a curt congratulation and then back off. But I will still hope and pray and plan for the little life that is growing inside of you. I might be scared that something might happen, but I sincerely wish that it doesn’t.
I am linking up with Shell’s Pour Your Hear Out.
Don’t forget to get those posts written for tomorrow’s Thinner Thursday! Come back ready to share, encourage, and work together towards a healthier mind, body, and soul.
I have so much respect for the transparency in this. It doesn’t make you sound jaded, just real. And honest. I love that.
Galit Breen recently posted..Dieting as a Mom of Girls
Thank you so much! I was honestly nervous to post this, so I’m am very thankful for the peace that your comment brought me!
Laura, I applaud your courage in writing this. And I completely relate!
I too have been feeling anger, irrational anger and slight resentment at some early pregnancy announcements AND the pregnancy complaints that followed quickly. It angered me as I sit here, trying to get pregnant, and thinking, “I’ll take 9 months of puking, just to be pregnant.”
Of course I do not wish them ill. I’m happy for them, as any woman would be for another about to welcome new life. I just wish I was in the same boat.
Alison@Mama Wants This recently posted..Wordless Wednesday: Where I Want To Be
Thank you for sharing how you are able to relate to this. I know I’m not alone, but I also need to hear it, you know? My heart aches for those who are trying to get pregnant. My problem seems to be opposite, but the pain is similar. Getting pregnant is no problem. Staying pregnant is. And then, there are the months that I need to wait before getting pregnant again. My resentment stems from the fact that I wish early pregnancy could be such a nonchalant issue for me. I wish that I didn’t spend those first few weeks of pregnancy silently scared that something is going to happen. When I’m in my first trimester, that second trimester looks infinitely far away to me. I wish you and I both can be in the same boat as those other women! :)
I understand the feelings you discuss in your post; I had them before conceiving my daughter after a bit of a wait and some struggles. Hang in there. I wish you the best and know that what you are feeling is ok.
Pamela recently posted..Why Stay Positive in a World of Cynics?
Pamela, thank you. It is nice to know that people understand.
as another mom who lost a pregnancy (but for me at 34 weeks, resulting in stillbirth), i have to commend you for having the bravery to write this post. you do not sound jaded. you sound like a mom who knows the pain of losing a child.
xo
Thank you so much Crystal. I am so sorry that this pain I feel is something you feel too (likely to a greater extent). I hate that anyone has to know the pain. But I do find comfort in knowing that my feelings aren’t unique to me.
I agree that this struggle is especially unique to our day and age. The lack of privacy really surprises me sometimes. I don’t even like to post my ultrasound pictures on Facebook, much less a picture of a pregnancy test.
My heart goes out to you. Those early weeks of pregnancy are so tenuous and fragile. They’re nothing to be taken for granted, that’s for sure… neither is any part of pregnancy or having a child.
Anna recently posted..Countdown to Eliza: 36 Weeks
You are completely right. Often, these feelings I have force me to realize that I have to treasure every aspect of life that I have been blessed with – my husband’s life, my son’s life, my own life. Watching those blessings pile up sure offers a little bit of perspective when I’m starting to feel irked about pregnancy tweets! :)
A very honest post.
For me, when I announced mine in my first trimesters, it was because I thought about the risks and realized if something went wrong, I’d rather that people had already known about the pregnancy, rather than me having to explain after the fact.
Shell recently posted..Pour Your Heart Out: A Test Result
Thank you Shell. Believe it or not, I do understand why people tell in the first trimester. Especially us bloggers who do receive so much support from the online world. And I do turn to my blog and to Twitter when I’ve had a miscarriage – but so far have kept quiet during the precursing pregnancies. I guess my fear is that I would share my early pregnancy, have a miscarriage, share that, and then have someone completely miss the memo. It already is so painful to have to contact each person that I’ve shared the pregnancy with to let them know. I don’t want to have to deal with those who come months later asking how much longer until my due date.
So rationally, I understand. And I don’t really hold these early pregnancy announcements against people. But I still find them painful.
This is a very raw and emotional post and I don’t think you seem jaded at all. I think that grief is different for everyone, though. I’ve been trying to have a baby for 14 months now – almost 15 – and lost my first little one last November. If (when, when) I get pregnant again, I will announce it. And if I lose my baby again, then I’ll announce that too. I had kept my pregnancy very quiet at first, and I felt so utterly alone and lost when I had my miscarriage. I was also so ANGRY that it had happened to me and that people were just going about their day as though the world hadn’t come crashing down. I missed a week of work, and when I came back, I didn’t hide what had happened. I just told people. I didn’t shout it out or write a newsletter, but when someone asked me what was wrong, I told them. And every time I told someone, I felt just a tiny bit less alone. It’s amazing how many other women came to me privately in tears afterwards and told me about their experiences. I decided that by making my experiences public, I might be helping someone else who was going through something similar. Anyway, I am NOT trying to suggest that “going public” is the best thing to do. It was just the best thing for me.
Stephanie recently posted..Clothes or Pyjamas: a Handy-Dandy Flow Chart (and also WIAW!)
I totally understand your perspective. Thank you so much for sharing it.
Although I have been quiet about each of my first trimester pregnancies that ended in loss, I was not quiet about he miscarriages after. It took a little while and a little bit of understanding from my husband to be able to share, but I soon opened those flood gates. Now, I don’t define myself as a “miscarriage survivor” or anything, but if it comes up, I have no problem talking about it. You are completely right – sharing this helped me work through what had happened. And it opened my eyes to how many people experience this pain.
That being said, I am still more comfortable with sharing the miscarriages but not the pregnancies – not until I hit the second trimester at least. Maybe part of this is that if I go public with it, my husband is essentially doing the same thing, and he would rather not tell his side until we are past that “safe” point, however arbitrary it is. But I am also scared that someone will hear that I am pregnant and then miss the memo that I had lost the baby.
Anyway, I understand and support your decision to want to go public right away. I hope you will get the opportunity to soon, and I will celebrate with you when you do!
It sounds like we’re more alike than not! I absolutely understand what you mean about sharing the miscarriage but not the pregnancy. I should qualify that when I talk about “announcing” a pregnancy, I mean to friends and family members. I wouldn’t put it on twitter or facebook or blog about it or bring pink and blue cupcakes to the staffroom. I’m so very sorry that you lost two babies and I wish you all the sticky baby dust in the world that your next pregnancy will be happy and healthy.
Stephanie recently posted..Clothes or Pyjamas: a Handy-Dandy Flow Chart (and also WIAW!)
Thank you Stephanie! I definitely think we have the same idea. I do tell friends and family when I get pregnant, although I seem to tell fewer and fewer people each time. The first time, I texted my best friends (who live in different cities now), but the following miscarriage text was so hard to write. I think next time I will mostly only tell family at first.
Your transparency was wonderful in this post, and I agree with you. I feel honored when someone confides in me, and I dont find out about it via social media. I especially agree about people sharing their joys and their sorrows more openly than in generations before, and how social media is sort of propagating that.
Thank you so much. Social media makes things infinitely better and infinitely worse at the same time. :)
It’s no easy decision when it comes to choosing to share pregnancy news. This las time, I only told a few close friends (like you) in confidence for those very reasons. I didn’t want to announce so early that we were having a baby, only to have them crashing down on me, like they did. I think it’s hard to keep quiet about something so exciting, but it’s even harder to hear all of those congratulations only to have to tell someone, “Nope. Sorry. No baby.” And it irks me to NO END to see someone announce that they are 4 or 5 weeks into a pregnancy and see the Facebook and Twitter updates complaining about morning sickness. GET over it.
Courtney @ The Mommy Matters recently posted..I Yell at my Kid…Guess that makes YOU a better mom
:) I LOVED the “GET over it.” part of your comment. Seriously. I think there is definitely a happy medium. I understand that the first trimester is tough and it is nice to commiserate. But seriously!. Can I tell you how terrible it would make me feel if I had announced any of my pregnancies, complained about the the entire time and then lost the baby!? All I ask for is a little bit of perspective!
This is such a sensitive subject, especially for those effected. I can say that I have not suffered from a miscarriage, yet I sympathize with those who have. I cannot say I can understand what you are going through, but I can say that I hurt for you. I have walked with a friend who has suffered from not being able to get pregnant for many years. Spent hoards amount of money to try everything and yet…nothing…no reason, cause, etc… adoption is not an option for them (case closed). I have been with her when she has severed friendships because of their openness with their pregnancy (sharing each and E.V.E.R.Y ultrasound picture) in group emails and such (before Social Media really took off). So, when we became pregnant, after waiting till week 7 to tell close family and a few friends, then week 12…we asked to have dinner with them and share our news with them first. We wanted to be sensitive. I knew they would be excited for us, yet we wanted them to hear it from us…not the web. It was a great night. There was lots of joy and also tears. I’m glad with our decision on how we handled it. She was my first friend to bring me a dinner too. Not to boast, but to encourage others how to possibly handle it. Here is a little bit more about that if you are interested: http://www.farfromperfectmamma.com/2011/03/i-take-joy.html
Happy to have found you, thanks to PYHO. Think I need to follow you as there are other bloggers I follow who have found you too!
Thanks again for your honesty and vulnerability.
leah aka FFPMaMMa recently posted..An UNEXPECTED summer
I am also so happy we have found each other and I look forward to getting to know you more! Thank you so much for sharing your story. It sounds like you and your husband did the right thing with your friends. You were considerate in your openness. I find that absolutely beautiful.
I do worry that friends will feel uncomfortable approaching me with their pregnancies, but I hope that I have proven to them otherwise. I really do have so much joy for all that new life! In the recent months, I have had a number of friends confide in me as soon as they found out about their pregnancies and I have been so blessed by that!
(Our children and nearly exactly the same age. Mine was born on March 6th).
I appreciate where you’re coming from, and having never been there myself I can’t know how hard it is. I come from the opposite end of the spectrum, I guess. When I got pregnant, my cousin’s wife was having trouble conceiving. They told me not to tell her for a while, until “the right time”. When my aunt threw me a baby shower, she was not informed, to spare her feelings. My cousin (her husband) furtively sent me a gift, but I was told not to send a thank-you note so as not to upset her. I wondered: won’t she find out once a new tiny person starts living with me, or is he to be kept a secret, too? I felt like my pregnancy, my special time, was a dirty little secret. I felt like I couldn’t share my joy. I felt like my blessing was a curse to her. I can’t tell you how angry it made me. My special time was being minimized to spare her feelings… but what about MY feelings? Wasn’t my experience just as worthy as valid as hers, even though mine was positive and hers not?
I feel like we should be able to celebrate other people’s fortune even when our lives aren’t going as we like. Because good things are about the person they are happening to, not anyone else. I know it’s hard. There are issues I struggle with in my life, and when I see people breezing through those areas or not having to deal with the same difficulties, I am envious and angry… but that’s taking away from their success and joy. I can be happy for someone else while still mourning my own failures. Well, no, that’s where I want to be. I’m not quite there yet, but looking at it from the other person’s point of view usually helps.
I am angry for you! How is any of that at all appropriate within a family?! If I were that woman who was unable to conceive, I believe that I would be even more upset to be kept in the dark about something that the rest of the family was participating in. I believe you have every right to be hurt by this!
I think you might have misinterpreted my feelings. I take so much joy in the pregnancies of those around me. Currently, my sister is pregnant. I was the first person she told and I could not have been happier. I also have a personal friend who recently confided her pregnancy with me before she told many other people. Again, my joy for her is real. (I wrote about the joy despite the pain when I hear this type of news here)
My frustration really lies with those over Twitter who announce ridiculously soon. I have seen pregnancy tests posted with the tweet “This is the first test I’ve taken but LOOK!”. I have seen women who are five weeks pregnant complain about how their husband’s won’t do the dishes even though they’re pregnant. I understand that the first trimester is tough, and it is easy to want to commiserate and share both the joys and the frustration that pregnancy brings. I just wish these women would place a little more emphasis on the sanctity of the life within them. Because at that point – as soon as the stick has been peed on or when the morning sickness starts – getting a baby still isn’t guaranteed. One in four of them will loose that baby.
I couldn’t agree more with you on this. When someone announces it so soon, I always worry b/c I think it’s harder to explain and experience the heartache that can come with having a miscarriage. I’ve had several friends who have been through this so I know that you can’t take pregnancy for granted. Great post.
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Thank you so much Natalie! It allows me to breathe a little sigh of relief to see that others agree with me. I was a little nervous putting this out there!
I love your honesty in this post. And I don’t think you sound heartless, I think you sound real.
PS. This is the first time I’ve been to your blog. I am in love with your layout. :)
Krista recently posted..He makes me a better parent
Thank you so much Krista! And I’m glad you love my blog layout! I have to give that credit to Courtney who designed it.
You know I totally get this. I always gasp a little when I hear an early announcement. When I got pregnant with Donut, I kept it a secret for so long b/c I was terrified.
Thanks for your honesty here. I wish I could make your pain easier.
Rach (DonutsMama) recently posted..Help Me, Mamas! Sending Out an S.O.S.
Thank you so much Rach! I appreciate your understanding here.
Powerful and beautiful. I relate to what you are saying as my husband and I have struggled with the knowledge we will never have biological children. Some people were sensitive with sharing their pregnancy news, others…not so much.
I am with you on this! But I’ll add a slight twist. I’m not really bothered by early announcers to social media as much as I am those that announce to me in private. A little voice inside my head says, “Oh, please don’t tell me! Please don’t tell me!” Mainly b/c I’ve felt the pain, the grief and all I can offer when they tell me they’ve miscarried is, “It takes time.”
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