As I neared the end of my pregnancy with Gavin, I wanted to ensure that Cameron would still be getting entertainment and stimulation and special Cameron-only activities. I signed him up for a few programs that were to start a few weeks before my due date. Specifically, I had him enrolled in a program at our local library and a program at a local community centre. It was the latter that I was particularly excited about. The community centre has a program where toddlers can bounce to their heart’s content on inflatable bouncy castles. He used to do this with daycare every once in a while, and they were always his favourite days.
Unfortunately, because I went overdue, most of these scheduled activity days were pre-empted by my medical appointments. The one time we did make the bouncy class while I was still pregnant, everything went really great. Cameron had a blast. He played around, had a bunch of fun, and expended a lot of energy. It was a huge success.
The next time Cameron went, Gavin had finally been born. We had been home a few days and I encouraged Dan to take Cameron out for some bouncy fun. While I stayed home with the newborn, Dan packed up the toddler and they both left excitedly.
They came back in a much different mood.
My Cameron is a happy, sociable little guy. He enjoys playing around and with other children. He is even pretty good at sharing, often without being prompted. He is just a pleasant, playful, friendly little boy.
As Cameron went to his Tumble Weeds class that day, he was the same little boy he always has been. He enthusiastically took off his sneakers, climbed into an inflatable, and started jumping. He smiled at the other children and bounced near them, looking for any indication that they were interested in bouncing with him.
In an inflatable filled with three other boys, Cameron’s friendliness was not reciprocated. It wasn’t met with a playful giggle. It wasn’t met with shyness. It wasn’t even met with indifference.
No, as soon as Cameron started bouncing with these three other boys, Cameron found himself bouncing alone. The oldest boy took one look at Cameron and went to the corner of the bouncy castle, sat down, folded his arms and stared my boy down. Following his lead, the two other boys joined him. All sitting. All glaring. Wordlessly telling my boy that he was not welcome.
Bullies.
Cameron jumped for a few more minutes, every once in a while trying to encourage the other boys to join him, but soon gave up. Silently, he left the bouncy castle. As soon as he left, the other boys started jumping again.
Kids are perceptive. Although Cameron never expressed his hurt to us, it was clear that he felt it. Instead of choosing to leave the bouncy castle on the super-fun slide, Cameron went to the side exit hatch and eased his way out. Instead of returning to the castle where he was bullied, Cameron spent the rest of the class in the smaller and yet more difficult inflatable. Everything about him had been deflated.
All because a four year old decided to introduce my son to bullying.
Dan, who had seen everything unfold, was livid. He was angry and hurt for our son. He watched the scene play out and was incapable of stepping in. The other “supervising” parents were off in a corner, chatting. No nasty words were said by the toddlers. No violent actions thrown. Dan couldn’t tattle. All he could do was stand outside the inflatable, watching while his heart broke, waiting with open arms until our son decided he had been diminished enough. Dan could offer nothing but an escape.
As Dan quietly relayed the story to me so as not to draw Cameron’s attention to it, I felt such an intense ache for my little boy. How could anyone want to make such a perfect little person feel the way they made my Cameron feel? How could bullying be such a natural thing that it happens in a toddler’s play class? How can anyone receive friendliness and reciprocate hate, let alone a four-year-old?
No one should ever be allowed to make my children feel the way those boys made Cameron feel. I refuse to give my permission for that!
That was the day that Cameron grew up just a little bit more. It was the day that he grew a little further away. Because, that day I lost control over how the world treats him. It doesn’t matter whether I give my permission or not. Even in the tiny little world of bouncy castles and knee-high munchkins, I couldn’t make the world perfect for him.
And that breaks my heart. Because he? Is perfect.
But if Dan or I ever find out that he is bullying? If ever he treats another mother’s child the way my child was treated? He is going to get one giant whooping, I promise you that!
Have you ever seen bullying unfold while watching your children play? Was your child bullied or the bully? What did you do?
How awful – how sad – how horrific – I don’t want Cameron, or any child to feel displaced or that they don’t belong. This is NOT as it should be – sadly – and these 4-year olds, going through the stage of trying to control their environment, when they succeed (when these children’s parents don’t pay attention and interveneIMHO), it essentially validates and perpetuates the behavior. It’s good Cameron has a ‘safe haven’ at home with a loving family – I’m thinking of Ecclesiastes 4 – maybe next time he goes he can take a friend. My mind automatically wants to find a solution I guess, even to ‘get even’ – ‘real’ life is often harsh and unpredictable but children can learn and do learn, that even though there are disappointments and unfairness, we don’t have to respond in kind. This is hard – I’ve watched it and experienced it with all my children – one in particular – and my first response is always anger and how to get back at the offender somehow. Never the right response… should be more like Proverbs 25:21-22.
Not belonging is definitely the part that breaks my heart. I am so glad that he can feel like he belongs at home with us and that that is still important to him.
Laura recently posted..Get Out That Door
My heart broke with yours reading this. I cannot even imagine how your poor boy must have felt. If it was my son and I witnessed this? I would be livid too, and seeing as my filter between my brain and my mouth practically doesn’t exist, I would have said something to the parents.
I haven’t seen anyone bully my toddler – but I worry that he might be the bully so I keep a close eye on him. At all times.Though when he was 18 months, we were at a party with many kids of many ages and he was so small, he couldn’t participate in the games the older kids were playing and he just looked so sad. Even though that was not intentional bullying/ leaving out, it still hurt me to watch.
Sigh. So sorry for you poor boy’s heart.
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I think my husband would have said something had there been physical bullying. It is hard to tell another parent that their kid simply doesn’t want to play with his. But I admire parents who would speak up in defense of their kid’s heart!
Laura recently posted..Get Out That Door
Oh Laura. This is one of the worst things in the world to witness as a parent. Yes, I’ve seen this, many times, and each time I chose a different route for my girl, and I’m still not sure which one was the right one. I will say it angered me so much, too. As parents, we want to protect our kids from this, it’s natural. I also think, though, that it’s important for them to experience this earlier, rather than later, so we can help them develop some kind of coping skills, so that when the bullying gets more conniving, they’re prepared. I don’t know if I’m doing it “right”, but I’m trying.
Background: November 2010, I quit my full-time job and moved to the DC-area (from Michigan), for my husband’s career. We knew we’d be gone 18 months, and we pulled our girl out of fill-time daycare. Both my girl and I had to learn how to be stay-at-homers, which we’d never done. We went from a house in a suburban neighborhood with a backyard, neighbors, etc to a large, semi-high-rise apartment complex with no green space, but it did have nearby neighborhood parks.
At one of those parks, our favorite, one day my girl, who is vivacious, friendly, and silly, approached a girl a year or so older than her. (At the time, A was nearing 3), that girl took one look at A, turned her back and blocked the two slides behind her. A, like Cameran, was totally deflated. She tried to coax the other little girl to play to no success. That girl’s caregiver (I quickly learned not to assume out there that those supervising children were parents… sometimes they were siblings, nannies, grandparents, etc…) was not even on the playground, she was sitting in her parked car. I didn’t address it, either. I just tried to distract my girl from it by offering to push her “really high” on the nearby swings. She walked slowly over and let me for a while, and then for the first time, ever, asked to go back to “the apar’men”.
Another time, it happened with a different child, similar situation, only that child’s caregiver was supervising from a nearby bench. A was a little older, and actually asked why the other child wouldn’t play. First she asked her, and got no response, then she asked me. I said, “Well, maybe she’s in a bad mood, or maybe it’s her naptime, honey. I don’t know. But, look, there are some other kids up on the basketball court, let’s go talk to them. Maybe they’ll at least talk back…” Passive aggressive? You bet. I had decided, by that point, that if I ever witnessed A behave this way, I’d stop it. And, now that she’s 4, I have witnessed it.
In my backyard, home, in Michigan. She loves to play with the neighbors, they’ve been buddies from the start, and the 6-year old girl next door, who just finished 1st grade and my daughter told one of their friends “No Boys Allowed” in the playhouse. My daughter repeated it, “Yeah, no boys allowed…” I was on the deck, watching (hugely pregnant), and while I understand this is typical, especially for the ages represented, I said, “Um, nope. Everybody shares, or everybody goes home. That means boys ARE allowed, and if I hear that again, you’re all going home and I’m discussing it with your mothers.” And a few minutes later, when my kiddo skipped up to the deck to get a drink of water, I stopped her and said, “Hey, let’s talk for a minute. You don’t like it when you’re not included in the fun. How do you think that made _____ feel when you and X told him he couldn’t play, too?” She blinked. I asked again. She hung her head and said, “Sad.” I said, “Yeah. And you know how that feels, honey. Don’t be that person. It’s better to include everyone in the fun.”
I love hearing your story, even though it is heartbreaking. For one, it is comforting to know that probably every kid will experience this at one time in their life. Although I don’t wish these feelings on any child, it can be a comfort to know that our kids aren’t alone. And someday I can console my bullied kids by telling them that the bullies have likely felt this way too.
But you are also right – going through this can help teach empathy and can help teach our kids to be better friends.
Laura recently posted..Get Out That Door
Reading this broke my heart. How absolutely horrible :(
My husband and I were laying in bed one night talking about what a sad day it would be when our daughter realizes that not everyone in her world will love her and treat her the way her family does. I am not looking forward to that day.
It is one of the worst thoughts in the world. Worse than the thought of them someday leaving us. I always want my children to feel like they are loved and valued!
Laura recently posted..Get Out That Door
I have watched many times when my child has been bullied. I watched him have teeth marks daily on him little body from the babysitters daughter. The babysitter would bite her back but it never seemed to end. The same bully has picked on my daughter. This year my wonderful son turned 10 and experienced adult bullying of children. An adult at my son’s school walked into my son’s classroom and informed the children that when they turn 12 the RCMP can come and take them to the Mirimichi Youth Correction Centre and that my son after defending himself from a bully was the leader of the bully gang in his class. I have been having some real fun dealing with the school and the school baard lately. Can’t wait to see how it all turns out.
Oh man! That sounds like a nightmare! I’m so sorry you and your son are going through this right now. Good luck in dealing with it! I hope it has a happy ending!
Laura recently posted..Get Out That Door
It’s so hard, watching our kids get bullied. This story you shared with us brought back so many memories of when my now 12-year-old was little. We were living in Hawaii then, and he was the only non-Hawaiian in his preschool group. So in addition to the bullying thing, we had rampant racism going on… including that of the preschool teachers who shrugged when I spoke up and asked them if we couldn’t find something to play that would include all of the kids. As my normally ebullient son grew sullen about going to preschool, I reached the point where I just wasn’t going to put him through it. We withdrew him, then I drove down to the school and gave the teachers a piece of my mind, followed by the school principal, and then the board that ran everything.
Flash forward six years, and I caught my son bullying a child from Guam who’d just moved into our neighborhood here in Kansas. His reason? That child was now “The Other”, and my son was just acting as he’d been treated. Fortunately, he remembered how he’d felt in preschool, so I was able to remind him how awful of an experience it was, and how lonely it was to be the outsider in a group. He wound up in tears — and, no, I wasn’t THAT stern with him, although I was adamant about how wrong his actions were. He just sympathized, because he had a similar experience to draw on. He went and apologized to the little boy that day, and from that day forward he’s adopted the role of drawing newcomers into the group and talking to other kids that try to exclude them.
Honestly? If he hadn’t gone through the first experience, I don’t know that he’d have had the character to become who he is today. It was hideous to watch him get bullied, but one of my proudest moments as a mother when I saw that light “click” in his head, and how he changed from bullying others to befriending them.
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It is so encouraging to hear how you were able to turn this horrible experience into something great. I am super proud of your son too! Cam is likely too young to remember this experience, so he likely won’t be able to draw on it later.
Laura recently posted..Get Out That Door
This almost killed me to read. Absolutely broke my heart. I hate that kids can be so mean. That something so simple as just playing together in a bounce house could be so hurtful. :( I dread that moment in which Noah loses that sense of innocence and gets thrown into this nasty world we live in. Hugs mama! I can imagine that something like this would have broken my heart, too.
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Thanks Courtney! I hate that kids can be mean too – and that it just comes so naturally! That is the thing that got me – these kids are still SO young. I wonder how they learn it.
I hope Noah (or you!) ever have to experience this! xo
Laura recently posted..Get Out That Door
We experienced bullying “late” with my daughter when she was in second grade. They’re much crueler and the bullying is much more verbal. Despite letters, personal meetings, and phone calls, the abuse continued for nearly her entire school year. It was hard to accept, harder to realize I couldn’t fix. My daughter now rising to fifth grade, is still leary of that girl and her posse. But my daughter also befriends those pushed away by everyone else because she remembers what it feels like to be picked on, ridiculed, and alienated.
I’m sorry this happend to you. However, it is clear that you will all be stronger and treat others with more consciousness because of the incident.
Rachelle recently posted..Learning to let go
I’m so sorry your daughter went through that. You’re right, as they get older, bullying gets crueller. My younger sister was bullied in high school and that ran all throughout her life – in her connections at school and then online when she’d get home. Bullying is the worst.
I do hope that this experience has made me a stronger mother and will help me teach my children to teach others better.
Laura recently posted..Get Out That Door
Children are disgusting anymore nowadays. And it’s not just them. They get their “I’m better then you” attitudes from their parents, and I’ve seen and experienced it first hand. In our town, people treat me like I’m nothing because I don’t have money. They treat my son differently ’cause he has some issues. For the most part people love him and he’s semi-popular with the lady teachers but the kids make me wanna punch kittens (so to speak) and their parents are no better.
I’m sorry your little guy had to go through that. And I hope he never has to go through that again. But be sure to tell him never to let that bother him and to keep playing and keep having a good time. :) Tell him he’s awesome and don’t let no one tell him different.
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I always wonder where kids learn to bully. That has been my thoughts as I watched this four-year-old lead two other little boys in alienating my son. I’m sorry you and your son are being treated differently! What a shame!
Laura recently posted..Get Out That Door
Oh Laura, this makes my heart ache too. The mama bear in me just comes OUT when a kid isn’t nice to mine. That hasn’t happened a whole lot b/c D is still so little that she only wants to be with me, but I worry about this all the time. I already have high anxiety about her starting school, to the point that I already am considering homeschooling, but I know that’s more about me than the reality right now. I wish we could make it easier for our kids.
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If I can make you feel any better, starting school might not be so terrible! :) Having Cameron in daycare really helped him along socially. It was in daycare that he learned to be friendly and to share and to play with other kids. Dan and I really did see a dramatic change in him as soon as he started, and it was definitely a positive change.
I am also considering homeschooling, but not because I worry about these social problems (at least not until they reach middle school) but because of the state of our education system.
Laura recently posted..Get Out That Door