Truthfully? Things have been tough lately. Today marks the start of Gavin’s seventh week on earth and Dan’s third week back at work. The transition to full-time solo-parenting between the hours of nine and five would be a tough transition for anyone, but we’ve been faced with a slightly more challenging scenario.
As I type this, we are currently in the midst of Gavin’s six week growth spurt (for any non-parents, a growth spurt is more than just a period of growing. It is a few days of extra fussiness, neediness, sleeplessness, and nursing), a cold that seems to have attacked both Cameron and I pretty fiercely, and a gout flare-up in my husband’s foot.
Yes, I said gout. Until Dan was diagnosed with the disease, I had no idea that this was even an issue any more. When you think gout, you think King Henry the Eighth. But, apparently it is on the rise these days. And for those who have never experienced gout (such as myself), it is ridiculously painful. “Gout is widely considered one of the most painful physical afflictions known to man. Even women have been known to say it’s worse than childbirth*.” (source)
His most recent gout attack started the weekend before his return to work. This means I have been spending the past two weeks not only adjusting to parenting two children alone, but also dealing with an additional dependant during non-work hours. I don’t begrudge Dan at all, but he has been pretty useless** as a help-mate recently.
As we have been surviving these past few weeks, which I suppose is a success considering the circumstances, I can’t help thinking how much easier things would be if even one thing were different. I would probably feel much less exhausted if I had a husband who was able to come home after work and contribute to the parenting and household tasks. Or, I would probably be much more attentive to my husband’s health if I didn’t have a newborn to take care of.
I remember back to the weeks after my first-born was born. I was right in the middle of the baby blues, feeling like a stranger in my own house, like my own body wasn’t mine, like I was completely overwhelmed with the mothering tasks ahead of me. It was during this time when many people said to me,
“I bet you just can’t imagine your life without this precious little boy in it, can you?”
This was always said with all the love and beauty and happy intentions in the world, but I never had a good answer for it. Imagine it?! My baby had only been home for a few weeks. Of course I could imagine life without him. In fact, I could remember it! Life without my newborn? It meant full nights of sleep. It meant being social. It meant having a moment to myself. It meant showers and hair straighteners and makeup. It meant freedom and quiet and dates with my husband.
And quite frankly, it didn’t sound all that bad.
This comment didn’t take into account the reality of my situation. It didn’t affirm how hard motherhood, especially new-motherhood is. It didn’t justify my feelings.
Of course I loved my son. Of course I would never wish him away. Of course I thanked God every day for bringing him into our lives.
But it didn’t mean the memories of my previous life were gone. It didn’t mean that I wasn’t sacrificing. It didn’t mean that everything was easy.
I feel like I am at that place again. Having two little boys brings light to my life. Snuggling a newborn is absolutely divine. But things still aren’t easy. I am still sacrificing (and always will be). Sometimes I just need to share how hard it can be. I need to legitimize the way I am feeling.
Dan recently asked me what we would do without our two little boys. As he asked me this, I was holding Gavin on the recliner, and he was snuggled up with Cameron on the couch. We were the perfect image of a family. “We’d be cuddling each other instead,” I answered, not really remembering the last time my husband and I snuggled.
Of course I can imagine my life without my children. But I would never, not ever, wish for it.
Photo taken June 7th, 2012
Cameron: 2+ years (27 months)
Gavin: 5 weeks, 4 days
*I’m sceptical. And I better never hear my husband compare it to childbirth. Although he did wish for some intravenous drugs… or an epidural.
**I say this with full poetic license.The reality is that Dan tries to help out as much as he possibly can and I definitely appreciate all his efforts.
I think it’s 8 weeks everyone says that life with 2 gets better…whatever it is, I found it to be true. Mind you, my Dan didn’t have gout..but it will get better. And a lot easier. There will still be hard days, but they won’t all be.
Thanks Shannon. Already, all of the days aren’t bad. And most of the “bad” days, I wouldn’t describe as “bad”. Just hard. Sometimes frustrating. But each day I also feel like we are falling more into the rhythms of a family of 4. So even these frustrating days are feeling normal. :)
Laura recently posted..Imagine Life Instead
Thank you for being so truthful. I think, sometimes, the platitudes of motherhood/parenting/blah don’t take into account the difficulty of GROWTH. Not just growth of a child, but growth of a marriage, growth of an individual, growth of a family… GROWING HURTS, plain and simple. It’s beautiful, it’s worthwhile, it’s important, but it has a price, sometimes.
I’m a month behind you, and my older child is older, which I firmly believe makes my job easier. She’s potty-trained, she’s able to go grab a cup of water by herself, and she can retrieve blankets, toys, diapers, and the remote control for me. Oh, and she’s in full-time preschool, too. She’s adjusting, and she’s been very patient. But, her little sister has only been here three weeks. We’ll see how it works when we hit that 6 week mark… or the 8 week mark, when she realizes little T isn’t going anywhere, any time soon.
But, back to my earlier statement: Thank you. I find myself tiring of the “uber-positive” mommy blogs right now. Yes, it’s a joyous occasion to have a newborn, and yes, I’m lucky to have a husband who will help out (who, coincidentally, went back to work today…), but I miss sleep, horribly. I miss the solo time with my preschooler, too. She’s a pretty cool kid, and I get sad how often I have to answer a request with, “I can’t, sweetie. I’m feeding your sister. Give me 20 minutes and I can…” and in 20 minutes, she’s moved on. And, to be honest, I also miss having a body that fit into real clothes, that functioned normally, that allows me to be as active as I want/need to be. (Yes, that last part is completely unrealistic, but show me a mother of a newborn that’s completely rational about everything, all the time…)
I’m in the weeds, right behind you, Laura. I’m raising my fist in solidarity. We’ll survive this and be better women/mothers/wives for it, I have to believe it. And as for the kind-hearted mean-wells who say things that don’t reflect reality: well, bless their hearts, they’ve either never experienced it, or it’s been so long they’ve forgotten.
Yes! Exactly – you wrote that so eloquently!
And you’re welcome. Part of me worried that those in my life will start worrying for me with the lack of super-positive posts. I do love Gavin, and I love being a Mom of two, but it is tough. And after some recent conversations with other Moms who have expressed feeling either inadequate for feeling their completely normal “negative” feelings or surprised when new Motherhood isn’t easy, I realized I really needed to speak about the reality and the truth and the not-always-so-perfect parts of Motherhood.
We will definitely survive this! I am so glad to have others who stand with me in solidarity! :)
Laura recently posted..Imagine Life Instead
I remember my husband and I discussing this very question after we had Nolan….parenthood is not easy and I know with two it’s even harder–but like you said we would never wish our lives to be any different!
Natalie recently posted..Happy SITS Day!
Most definitely! Even those days when I get ridiculously frustrated, I find myself just aching to hold my kids and to make everything better – for all of us. Adding to the family is tough but at the same time it makes everything so much better! :)
Laura recently posted..Imagine Life Instead
I am almost seventeen years past you Laura and I remember what it was like in those early weeks when our second baby, a son, was born. The wee hours where I wept with fatigue and frustration, the day-time impatience with my 2.5 yr old toddler daughter, the strain on our intimacy when I felt that someone was hanging off my body all day and wanting things from me. And I adored them, adore them still, but it is hard work this mothering business. And it ain’t all hearts and flowers but it’s sacred work. It’s ok to be frustrated and to wonder where you went in all this. I think it’s wonderful that you express what is really your experience. I often felt this way about marriage too. After six months of marriage I thought – If this is wedded bliss we are in big trouble – and our silver wedding anniversary is in less than two months!!
Tweepwife recently posted..If I Could Tell My Dad…
This has to be the way it is in all relationships. Anyone in my life who I have a lasting relationship with, we’ve had struggles and difficult times. I love how you describe mothering (and, of course, marriage) as sacred. God never promises us easiness but he does promise us great joy. Even in the tough parts that joy is present. And that, for sure, is sacred.
Laura recently posted..Imagine Life Instead
Oh, Laura, you went from having one little boy to having three. I know Dan’s doing his best but it’s got to feel like you’re doing it all solo, doesn’t it? Hopefully the days will settle into a rhythm and the night feedings will grow further apart so you can get some sleep. That really does make all the difference… though a long shower, a good blow-out followed by a session with the straightening iron, and a little bow chicka bow bow helps, too!
Katie B. of HousewifeHowTos.com recently posted..Cleaning Routine: Weekly Kitchen Cleaning
There are definitely times I feel like I’ve gone from one dependant to three. But my husband really does try to help out, and sometimes even having someone to pass the baby too while I do something else is a huge help! Thankfully, we seem to be past the worst of this gout attack, so I can expect my awesome help-mate back within a few days!
Laura recently posted..Imagine Life Instead
I think every comment I make on your mothering posts will be the same:
I hear you. I know this. I feel this too. You are not alone. You are allowed to feel this way, and it’s in no way a reflection on how much you love and want your boys. You’re just human.
May I offer a virtual hug and a “I-so-know-this-too” hand to hold?
Alison@Mama Wants This recently posted..Before, After AND After
Isn’t it nice to know that at least in all this craziness, everything is pretty normal. :) I will definitely accept a virtual hug and hand to hold. Consider it reciprocated always! :)
Laura recently posted..Imagine Life Instead