I love my kids. I love them from the moment I first find out that I am pregnant. I love them the second they are placed in my arms after birth. From the instant they enter my life, they are loved by me.
But there is a moment – one distinct moment that I have experienced with both of my sons. Usually a week or three after birth, it is in this moment that I know I have bonded with them. It is usually in a moment of utter exhaustion, after a long day of mothering, when I find myself sitting, rocking, cradling and nursing. My arms surround this child that I was given, that I nurture, that I provide for, that I mother. My eyes drink in that little sweet-smelling head, those little hands caressing my breast, those little eyes closing in contentment, and my love becomes so real, so tangible, so powerful that my heart breaks.
And there I sit, in my bed with a newborn in my arms, as tears stream down my face. I know, in that moment, that this child is my child. No one, ever, will love this child like I do. And I know that if ever this precious little child is taken away from me, my world will shatter.
There is something about the fragility of life that makes love unbelievably crushing. As I stare at my new son, my heart breaks over and over. It breaks for him as I think about all of the struggles life will throw his way. It breaks for me as I recognize that each moment with him is one I will never get back. And it breaks at the knowledge that I can never hold on to him as tightly as I would like – not to a specific phase, not to who he is at any given moment, not to life itself. Life is unpredictable. Life is short. Life can be taken away in a breath.
Soon I will again realize that this is what makes life special and exciting and beautiful. But in this moment, I allow myself to grieve. I allow my fear to grip me. I allow my heart to break.
I allow the tears.
I sit and I hold him tight. Protecting as much as I can. Praying and wishing for what I can’t protect.
My prayer from this point forward is for everyone to see my sons as I see them.
Precious.
Perfect.
Loved.
But I know they won’t. And so my heart breaks again.
This is what it looks like when my heart expands. This is what my love looks like.
Photo taken back on May 21st, when Gavin was 3 weeks old
Beautiful…I never sat down and thought about THAT moment but I’ve had that with L and I keep having it. Each time I think how I could never love him more than in that one moment, but funny enough I do at the next moment. Such an amazing feeling. Btw, I was tearing as I read this post. xo
Thanks Care! These moments definitely do happen as our children grow up. But I distinctly remember the first time it happened with Cameron, and now, the first time it happened with Gavin. It is almost confusing as I sit, in the midst of all my tiredness and newborn anxiety and postpartum hormones, and I am almost confused as to why I have simply burst into tears thinking about my child. But you’re right, it is an amazing feeling. I am so glad I’ve been blessed with the opportunity to love these boys for the rest of my life!
Laura recently posted..The Love of a Mother
I know exactly what you mean, this thing you write of so eloquently. xo
Alison@Mama Wants This recently posted..Notes To Self: The 3am Edition
Thanks so much Alison! It doesn’t surprise me at all that you can relate! :)
Laura recently posted..The Love of a Mother
That’s how I knew I had “arrived” as a mother. I actually go through phases where I have these pangs for my child. I’m going through it now. I just hope and pray (and beg) that the world will be kind.
Rach (DonutsMama) recently posted..Pour Your Heart Out: A Friendship Conundrum
I know what you mean about feeling like you had “arrived” as a mother. It is when I experienced this for the first time with Gavin that I finally believed that I could love *both* boys with the same fierce love. I didn’t have to divide my love between them.
I too continue to have these feelings as the kids grow. I think that is the natural way of a mother! :) In fact, I bet my Mom might chime in here and say that she still feels this way about me and my sisters. (Often my Dad reads these posts and comes to me later and says “Just remember! That’s exactly how we feel about you.”)
Laura recently posted..The Love of a Mother
I sometimes think these moments of our hearts breaking open for our children is the fullest expression of unconditional love. I can’t hold mine on my lap anymore, or sing them to sleep at night, or lift them up in my arms. But those moments of brief knowing the full depth and measure of the connection between me and them continues even all these years later. And that sense of praying that the world will see them for the valuable people they are and that it will be kind, that continues. And when it isn’t, my heart breaks a little and I surround them in that love. It truly is that, to be a mother.
Your comment is exactly why I write this blog. I think I am trying to define what motherhood is through a story. All I really need to do though is write out what you posted. Because it is so true. Motherhood is love. It is beautiful. It is heart breaking. It is praying.
I am so glad I get to experience it and share in that experience with others who are experiencing it too.
Laura recently posted..The Love of a Mother
I remember that moment with Noah, very vividly. I know exactly what you mean about a mother’s love being crushing. What a perfect description. I love this photo! So sweet!
Courtney Kirkland recently posted..15 week Bumpdate
Thanks! I love the photo too! Such bad lighting so the colour was off on the film, but it captures such a perfect moment. Both my boys like to be tickled together! :)
Laura recently posted..Imagine Life Instead