I remember our last date. We went out for coffee. Late. First we had to make sure our baby was asleep. We stayed for about an hour before heading back.
It was Christmastime. In Toronto. In 2010.
Yup, I said it. Our last date was a year and a half ago.
Since that date, we have done a few things without our kids. A year ago we spent our first night away from our boy when we were photographers at a wedding. We were given a cottage and had a lovely time, but it was work. And this past Christmas we hired a babysitter to watch Cameron so Dan and I could sneak away to a work Christmas party. A nice (short) evening, but again, work. We also tried to maintain a once-a-month lunch date while we were both in the workforce, but romance is lost when a date finishes by returning to separate cubicles.
It isn’t that we don’t find dating important. Speaking for myself, I rank dating as high as sex in a marriage. I desire intimacy outside of the bedroom so that intimacy inside the bedroom comes a little more naturally. But, like sex, when you throw a child or two into the mix, it is hard to find the time or the energy to maintain a healthy dating relationship.
Dating while Parent is particularly tough for a number of reasons. I think the biggest thing holding us back lately has been finances. It isn’t that we don’t spend money, it is just that it is hard to justify spending money on “frivolous” entertainment. Even if we managed to plan cheaper dates, by the time babysitter fees are thrown in, the budget date night becomes cost-prohibitive again.
That brings up the second reason Dating while Parent is hard. Babysitters. It isn’t the babysitters themselves that are the problem. No, it is the anxiety from leaving children with a babysitter. When you don’t do it often, leaving your kids with someone unfamiliar makes it hard to say goodbye. And parents cannot focus on each other if they spend the entire date worrying about their kids.
For me, the anxiety reaches beyond the babysitter. If I am to invite a babysitter over, then my house needs to be cleaner, lest I be judged. So on top of all the date prep that needs to happen, a major house clean is on the schedule for any date nights.
With all of this weighing on us, dating just hasn’t even seemed possible recently.
These reasons, although legitimate, shouldn’t keep a loving couple from spending quality alone time together. It is all about priorities, and not dating means our priorities have been misplaced lately. When a couple prioritizes their marriage, the family grows closer and the kids are better off.
As our anniversary rolled around this year, I told Dan that the only thing I wanted was a date. Just a nice evening out together alone was all that I needed. And I wanted him to plan it. I wanted to be romanced.
We don’t have immediate family in town, but we are lucky to have family only a province away who enjoy travelling. I told my parents that the next time they visited, they were going to be spending the evening with the boys. They decided to visit the weekend after our anniversary so we could celebrate.
The evening was lovely. I slapped some makeup on for the first time since February (!!!). I rocked a dress and ripped up my feet in a pair of heels that are vastly different from the sneakers I usually wear. We went to the restaurant where we had our first date seven years ago and then indulged in dessert at a little dessert bar.
And we just spent time celebrating each other.
“You know I can’t wait another year and a half to do this again, right?”
So, here is my challenge to you. Think about when your last date was. Talk to your spouse about how you can better prioritize quality alone time. And then decide how often you should date. Use creativity to get around those excuses that keep you home.
Three months. That’s when we’re planning our next date night for.
When was your last date? Do you find it easy or hard to date your spouse?
We totally had this conversation last night! Lately I feel like my husband is more of a business partner than a love interest (ack!). We’ve decided to put at least 2 dates on the calendar each month. Sometimes these will be the hiring a babysitter, going out and looking pretty dates, but, most often it will be coffee on the porch, or a movie in the living room with a special snack, or a walk in our neighbourhood. Investing in our relationship doesn’t have to be costly, but not doing it sure is! Are you familiar with The Dating Divas (http://www.thedatingdivas.com/)? A good resource with some creative ideas to keep things fun!
Oooh. Did you tell your husband he felt more like a business partner? I tried to have a similar conversation with Dan and it did NOT go over well. But I completely know what you mean. It is so easy to just fall into a pattern of parenting to the exclusion of all else.
Good for you for trying to get two date nights in each month. I’d like to try an outing – even something cheap (coffee, a movie) once a month, a big date night every three months, and maybe a movie night once a month. Best put it in my calendar or it will never happen!
Thanks for the link – I’ll check it out!
Laura recently posted..How Not to Date While Parent
I did tell him. – he also expressed that he kind of feels like that’s how I’m viewing him, so I think he “got” it. So easy to get so caught up in running a household that you forget what got you there! Hope you guys are able to enjoy each other more often!
Rae recently posted..Oasis
Yay for dates, and you look gorgeous!
We are lucky that my in laws are just a few minutes away so before the baby was born, we could get away for quick dinners on weekends (note: quick, because at the same time, we’ll try to squeeze in grocery shopping!) though no, those were not technically date nights. As for a real date night, I can’t even remember. We did do a double date with another couple 3 months ago!
Alison recently posted..Memories Captured – July Link Up! And Some News
Aww – Thank You!
You and your hubby should plan a real date night – no errands involved! :) What a blessing it must be to have family so close to help out. My parents are moving two hours closer (they will still be two hours away) and I am looking forward to how much more we’ll be able to take advantage of them! :)
Laura recently posted..How Not to Date While Parent
I laughed when I read about how getting a babysitter involves a major houseclean. So true for me too!! We’re lucky enough to have my inlaws an hour and a half away. When they visit, they spend a weekend and tell us to go out. I’m so thankful for that! Before we moved here, we weren’t so fortunate and getting a babysitter was so stressful for me! It’s good to do it often when finances permit… Things get better anxiety-wise each time :) Happy anniversary!!
Watching my Mom be with her grandchildren has taken all the anxiety after leaving my kids with her. Plus, Cameron LOVES being with her and my Dad. And I don’t even stress too much about my house when they’re around. I just need to take advantage of how often they visit.
Laura recently posted..How Not to Date While Parent
I am lucky b/c I have in-laws near that help watch little boy so we can get away. I really do hope you get to do it more in the future…you deserve it!
Natalie recently posted..A Little Sneak Peek…
It is funny how we want our freedom from our parents before having kids, and then once we have kids we appreciate our parents so much more. My parents will be moving two hours closer in the next couple of years and although they’ll still be a couple of hours away, I am really looking forward to having them around more. I am glad your in-laws help you and your husband get out together! :)
Laura recently posted..How Not to Date While Parent
We haven’t been on a date since we moved to Kodiak. So…about 18 months. My mom is coming to stay to help out with the new baby in September (she’ll be here through New Year! YAY!) and that’s on our agenda-date nights. Once a week. Movies, dinner, sitting in the car and staring at each other…something. It’s so, so hard to make date night a priority when there’s no family around. Like you, we both get anxiety leaving Noah behind. It’s not that we don’t have friends that would volunteer, I just don’t LIKE to leave him with people. :) I’m glad you guys were able to get out and enjoy yourselves. You two deserve it!
Courtney recently posted..It’s a…
Yeah. 18 months. I so get that. It is hard. You and Josh definitely need a date night! So glad your Mom will be around soon and staying for so long. What a blessing!
For me, the anxiety is part how the boys will handle being away from us, but also the anxiety that whoever is watching them will get overwhelmed. I really don’t want my kids to be a source of stress for anyone else. The one time we got a babysitter, even though she was a daycare teacher that Cameron knew and LOVED, I went through the entire house with her and practically gave her an entire babysitter course right then and there. Dan was embarrassed!
Laura recently posted..How Not to Date While Parent
I find it hard. I’ve heard plenty about how important it is though, and thus that it’s worth actively budgeting money towards it, and especially for trips away for just the two of you. We went away for our 5 yr anniversary, just one night but WITH the baby. That was hard, but whenever he was sleeping we were alone together. We strolled around a country town, down by the water, had a nice quiet breakfast in the sun and even ate cake and talked by moonlight. It was wonderfully rejuvenating.
Now and then we can get a little alone time because we have family that can babysit and if you don’t then that makes it harder.
There can also be great value in stay-at-home dates if you put in the same effort. Put the kids down early, dress up and enjoy a quiet dinner, even if you just order pizza etc. Something I like is just a short little dessert date after the kids go to bed. Pick up a special cake or something to have on hand and just bring it out for you guys when the kids are in bed. Spend 1–15 min talking over dessert can be a great way to stay connected. I try to do this from time to time, and most nights we settle baby and watch he office together. It’s not ideal, but it’s practical and sharing a few laughs is a great way to unwind together :)
We have a *big* trip planned for our five year anniversary. Kids will be staying with my parents, Dan and I will be escaping to another country. In the midst of those agonizing months without a date (I didn’t actually go into all of the reasons why it took us so long to go on a date. Last year there was a lot of pain we were dealing with – not in our marriage, but in our life. I tried to encourage dates and even weekends away, but they never materialized), I focused on this future trip we would take just the two of us. I think it will be so rejuvenating!
I think you’re right about those stay-at-home dates. I might try to plan a movie night at home at least once a month. I know I’ll have to put it in our calendar or it will never materialize.
Laura recently posted..How Not to Date While Parent
That should read 10-15!
Oh we had anxiety for the longest time about leaving D with a sitter. We didn’t mind if it was my parents, but since they don’t live here, we can’t really plan on that. We went out whenever I went to visit my parents. We finally caved and hired a babysitter here one night b/c I figure we’ll probably have to at some point, esp if we have an adults only thing to go to and my parents can’t always come down to visit. So we put D to bed and then had the sitter over. It was easy money for her and good practice for us to try and not worry. I’m glad I’m not the only one who worries about this!
Rach (DonutsMama) recently posted..And We’re Back!
Its been almost a year since our last date and I’ve already been telling my husband that I need it now. We have family close by, but I still don’t like leaving the kids. Especially the little one!
You look gorgeous here!!
Kimberly recently posted..Forever Part Of My Heart