Have you heard the one where the couple decide to have a baby to make their relationship closer?
Yeah. Haha, right? It is a giant misconception, that a baby will save a relationship.
Babies are black holes. Little, tiny, exceptionally cute, massive black holes that suck all focus and attention and energy their way. No matter how much you try to tell yourself that your relationship will flourish after a baby, the reality is usually that a post-partum relationship will become strained.
Loving babies is so unbelievably easy. They’re cute. They’re naive. They’re fragile. They’re little bits of you in whole new person form. Raising them may not be the simplest task, but loving them comes so naturally.
Loving a spouse is different. There is a reason we date for so long before choosing the person we want to spend the rest of our lives with. It is a big decision. Two (almost) already whole people are choosing to collide their lives. It is never seamless. But it is an entirely unique, and arguably better love.
I love my babies because it is easy. I love them because they need me to love them. But I love Dan because I choose to. He doesn’t need my love to survive. And sometimes, (gasp) loving him isn’t even my most natural instinct. But that’s the difference between the love I have for him and the love I have for my kids. I love him precisely because I don’t have to. I love him because of who he is, but also despite who he is. I don’t love him because of anything he is to me, but because of who I chose him to be. I didn’t chose my babies. They were given to me and I adore them. But Dan? Well, I chose him.
Making the choice to love and doing the work involved is how a beautiful marriage blossoms.
It is so important not to let a relationship slide in the post-baby period. The love for a spouse isn’t exactly necessary in the way that love for children is. It isn’t particular needy, like love for children is. It doesn’t come as naturally as love for children does. It is an active, working love. A marriage requires a lot. But by putting all of ourselves into it, amazing things are produced.
Today, I recommit. I will try harder. I will prioritize my marriage just like I did when I walked down the aisle four years ago. Because I love my husband. I chose my husband. And I choose him again. I do.
Happy Anniversary, Love. I love you. I love our marriage. And I love those two little monsters that our marriage created. I’m glad I get a lifetime with you.
It is so easy to let your marriage slide in the post baby phase, but you are right, it is important to remember the person that we chose to love! Great post! Happy Anniversary!
This is a great post, Laura! (like all of your posts). I think above all else, the thing that was the biggest adjustment for me after Ella was how my relationship with Dave changed – it really is a huge adjustment!
Happy Anniversary my friend!! Our marriage was a little rocky during the first few months Noah was around because we were still in our first year of marriage AND trying to adapt to being new parents. We said and did a lot of things back then that hurt one another. Things that I am ashamed of now and hope to never relive, but it was those months of our marriage “not working” that we realized that even in the bad times, the only person we wanted to share life with was each other. I hope you and your husband have a wonderful day together! I know that if the beauty of those precious children is any inclination to the beauty of your marriage, that you are a blessed family. :)
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Well said, Laura. The little black hole bit is especially true :)
Happy Anniversary!! Everything you said. Yes, that. Choosing to love is a huge daily commitment. And choosing to stay with that commitment is not always easy, but always worth it.
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I actually love your photo here! I am sure a lot of couples can even relate to your situation before and even now.. I just love how you posted it here..
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Congratulations! Both for the four years and the continued desire to recommit to each other. :) I used to work with a woman who’d been married nearly 50 years, and each year as her anniversary approached, she’d tell her husband that it was time to review the terms of their contract. ;) (She’s married to an attorney, of course…) And each year, she’d remind him that they only had 3 children, and yet he’d promised to have 5 with her… It was adorable.
Babies are a giant black hole, you’re right, and not enough folks realize just the strain the adorable little monsters will put on a relationship. Good for you for the post, the desire to write about it, all of it.
Celebrate your union, your lives together, and your children!
I know it’s late, but Happy Anniversary! It’s so easy to let the marriage fall to the wayside while you’re caring for the kids. But putting yourselves first sometimes just needs to be done. Celebrate, and enjoy yourselves!
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