There was never a doubt in my mind that I would be a teacher. I was certain of my calling as early as the second grade. We had just moved to a new town and while I wished I was back at my old school with my old friends, Madame Stephens made me love that year. It is so hard to remember back to that age, but in my mind’s eye, she is tall and graceful, patient and kind. I knew I could succeed in this new school because I knew she liked me. And when you’re a little girl in a new school, it is nice to be liked by someone.
I liked her too. In fact, I wanted to be just like her.
Instead of trashing my school books at the end of that year, I meticulously packed them away. Somewhere between those pencil-scratched pages was sure to be inspiration for future lesson plans. With those books in hand, I stood at the tall and narrow blackboard in my bedroom, or knelt in front of the old green chalkboard in Nana and Papa’s basement, and I taught. I taught letters and numbers and math. I taught my sister. I taught my stuffed animals. I taught no one.
Each school year, I’d find more teachers to be inspired by. Madame Brine in grade five. Monsieur Gaudet in seventh. Madame Morrison and Mr. Fogarty and Mr. Beatty and the Artichuks in high school. I loved learning from them. And I loved how they transformed my life and the life of my classmates in ways that reached far beyond the classroom.
I love learning. I love people. I love young people. I could do that! I want to do that! I am going to do that!
There was no doubt in my mind that I would be a teacher.
As I left high school for my undergraduate career. My plan was firm: A Bachelor degree followed by my teaching degree. I could have done my education degree right out of high school, but I really wanted to submerse myself in learning at a Liberal Arts university first. I wanted this wealth of knowledge and choice of classes and exposure to literature and interaction with the people. I wanted to experience it all.
I should have gone into education right after high school.
Four years later, I had a degree. I was working in a restaurant. My co-workers were teachers struggling to find work and keep their jobs. In my city, graduates with teaching degrees weren’t finding teaching positions. In fact, these positions were being cut everywhere. I knew in my gut that it would be fruitless to pursue that career path.
I moved on. I got married. I found a stable job, for the meantime. I fell in love with my two beautiful boys who joined me along the way. I did the only other thing that I have dreamt about doing my entire life: I wrote.
As I sit here, years after I first felt that pull to be a teacher, my stomach is still in knots writing this. My chest is tight. My eyes are watering.
That was my dream. My calling.
Back To School is here again, and my heart wants to prepare for it. Students are not the only ones going back into the schools this September. As teachers fill up their lesson plans and decorate their classrooms and walk through that threshold of learning, I feel as though it should be me. I wish it were me. And every September I have to remind myself that I let go of that dream a while ago. I’ve moved on. I have a beautiful family and a love-filled home. I am passionate about the writing that I do. Things are good. Things are fine. I don’t need to have an education degree to teach my children, at the very least.
Except, these tears suggest that I haven’t quite let go of this dream yet. It is still there. It is still out of reach.
How do you let go of dreams that will never become a reality?
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Laura, I could have written this post myself. I too thought I’d be a teacher. I too played teacher at any opportunity. My love for school supplies, err…stationery supplies has never waned. One of my favourite stores is Staples for that very reason. I too opted for an undergrad degree instead of going straight to Teachers’ College. I too then realized that there weren’t any jobs for teachers. Add to it a few other speed bumps along the way and I’m now 40 and still feeling like I should have been but never will be. I see classmates who took the TC route and are teachers in my hometown.
But then I realize I have one of the most pivotal roles as a teacher I could have ever imagined. I’m the ultimate teacher to two little boys who have minds waiting to learn new things, to experience places and adventures they won’t ever learn inside the classroom. They only have to divide their attention with one other student and they’ll have the consistency of the same teacher for life. The lessons I teach them will carry them through their lives and they are no less important than any lessons written in a planner or scrawled across a chalkboard.
I may not have a degree in teaching or a pay cheque from a school board to show it but being paid in hugs and kisses and “I love you” has more value than any piece of paper or currency could ever have.
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Laura, I hope you can realize your dream of being a formal teacher, of having a classroom full of children who hang onto your every word and are changed because of what you teach.
For now, you are teaching, if only informally. You are teaching your family and friends every day, little things that they might not have known before you stepped into their lives. We all do that, and something tells me that because of your strong calling, you do this more intentionally than most.
I love your writing. Great post.
Andrea recently posted..Apple
This is a lovely reflection. The only answer I think should be give for when to let go of a dream is, ‘when a new dream has fully taken it’s place.’ Until then nothing else will truly do it.
Christopher D Drew recently posted..Coach Chris
The beautiful thing about learning and education, is that it is always available.
You can always go and work towards your education degree and fulfill that dream becoming a teacher when there is more job opportunities within the teaching field in years to come.
I wanted to be Madonna. And no, I am not kidding. I wanted to be a famous singer/pop star or Broadway star. I still see performances by people that I think I could have been or done and I get very emotional too. I know exactly what you mean. But I also gave up the dream, although I still sing in a much smaller realm, I miss that passion that I once had for it all…
I also wonder if you couldn’t still teach in some way, some day…
xoxo
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Our world needs teachers like you, who are passionate about learning. I hope you do it.
Lady Jennie recently posted..It’s Back to School in France!
First of all…you are a teacher in how you share your life and stories. Second…it will come. You will be a teacher…just give it a little time. Things always have a way of working out.
xo
Laura, your story sounds so similar to my own. I wanted to be a teacher, too, and was discouraged by the lack of jobs available. I left school and worked for a few years before I learned about early childhood education. I went back to school to study that. It was close to my dream, since I had always wanted to teach early elementary.
You are definitely teaching in other ways – and I know that you will continue to do so, whether you are in front of a classroom or not.
Kim@Co-Pilot Mom recently posted..Stripes
It is never too late to follow your dreams. Never. And if this is still something you feel so strongly about then you should not give up on it.
Regrets can be twisted, evil things that will turn you bitter. Eliminate as many of them as you can.
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This breaks my heart. It is never too late. Never. If I can get a master’s degree as a new mom, then pregnant widow, you can go back to school. It is never too late.
It sounds like you are doing exactly what you were meant to. I have a special place in my heart for teachers, as both of my parents were in education. It’s a wonderful, fulfilling profession.
Tonya recently posted..Back To School
Ugh… don’t mind my pregnant brain… I copied and pasted my comment above from Katie Sluiter’s post, ironically also about teaching. I’m trying to catch up and typing fast clearly.
My comment to your post should read: I hope you can find a way to follow our dream. Our world could always use more passionate teachers!
Tonya recently posted..Back To School
I feel kind of the opposite about teaching, I never thought of myself doing such things, and yet I’ve discovered a it of a gift in that area, especially with my children, and will be heading into full formal homeschooling kindergarten before the end of the month, when the books arrive.
I don’t know you well enough to decide such things, but if that dream is really still there maybe you still have a calling ahead. From what I’ve experienced so far, teaching my children in the mornings informally, is that it is INCREDIBLY rewarding, forming young minds and being so close for each new milestone. You may find yourself teaching in some way in the future… Hmm, another thought, you could always consider sunday school? There are many ways to follow your dreams :)
Gillian recently posted..The Great Adventure
My friend. Dreams. I know those. I had them too.
The thing is? There is still time. Do not give them up. Tuck them away for now, look on them occasionally, but never give them up. You’re still young. There is still time. Let the dream live.
Alison recently posted..Four, Never Five
This totally makes me want to come and pick you up and take you to get a teaching degree. You are so young and you can still do this! You should do this. Never, ever give up on your dreams. Oh please, at least look into pursuing it. Please? :)
Robin | Farewell, Stranger recently posted..First Day of Kindergarten
This makes my heart ache. :( But even though you’re not a teacher in the classroom sense (right now!), you’re a teacher for your darling kiddos…and those lucky enough to be around you!
I wanted to be a photojournalist. For National Geographic, specifically. I say find the parts of your dream that are still intact, and hold onto them. They’ll show you the way to be more fulfilled as you grow.
xoxo
Life is so tricky sometimes and takes us on so many detours and twists and turns. It sounds to me that you haven’t found that place of peace yet. Maybe writing helped a little.
Perhaps you will come to a point where you will feel that you traded one dream for a bigger more beautiful one. Or perhaps you will come back to it. When your children are older. Or through a different medium, tutoring, training, teaching at a community college, or designing web courses. But don’t stop until you find peace!
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Are we twins from a different lifetime?
I grew up exactly as you did – dreaming of becoming a teacher. And, I was a teacher for a short time before having kids of my own. I made the very difficult choice to resign when I had children. That was one of the hardest choices I’ve ever had to make if not THE hardest. Something I had dreamt of my whole life. Something that I had worked towards my whole life. BUT, now I have my family and I wouldn’t do it any other way. Maybe in a few years once my kids are a bit older, I will look at going back, but for now, I am where I am and loving it.
I feel the same pull, the same pain, the same heartache every fall when the kids are going back to school and my teacher friends are setting up their classrooms.
GREAT post!
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