To my baby sister, (and any other young girl starting university,)
This letter is timely. I’m not sure if you’re following the news, but my head is currently reeling from learning of a chant that was sung during this year’s frosh week at a local university. When I heard the words of the chant read out for me on a local news station last week, my stomach sank. It was horrifying. It was crass. And unfortunately, it was unsurprising in a first-year university setting.
It was March of my first year of university when I finally grew tired of trying to keep up with that new culture. Parties. Bars. Drinking. Sex. I was wading around, trying to maintain my sense of self while getting to know the people whom I would now be studying with. Like you, I was newly single and I desperately wanted to be liked. I even wanted to be loved.
A shot from first year university outside my dorm room on Halloween.
It took me months to realize that the culture which permeated that first year of my university career had nothing to do with higher learning or fostering relationships. It was all about new experiences and experimentation.
That night in March, I sat in my residence alone. It was Saint Patrick’s Day, and my cohorts were all out at the pub on the hunt and getting drunk. I shouldn’t make it sound so primitive. They were having fun and being with their friends, but I was so over it. I had tried that. I had gone out, met people, danced, drank a bit (but rarely to excess – and I don’t just say this because Mom and Dad are reading). I was energized whenever guys wanted to dance with me and I felt like trash when I’d leave at the end of a night in which no one had shown any interest.
Some nights, I’d meet a boy. Those nights were the thrilling ones. I was hot! I was worthy of the attention! I had something to offer! Except? They often wanted more than I was willing to give. I came to realize that there was an expected reciprocity in a purchased cocktail. A kind walk home in the dark from the bar was never simply chivalrous. The amount of times I had to say “No” or “Stop” for the message to really sink in was staggering. The fact that I ever had to use force to protect my own body was, and still is, unacceptable.
There is so much I wish I knew about myself back then. I have learned so much in the near decade that has passed since my first year of university that I could write my past self a novel of warnings and hints and advice. But, I’m not in that place anymore. You are. So, I reclaimed the chant for you as you go forth into your university career. It may not have rhythm and a beat but the message sure is better than the other one going around.
Y- You are worth it
It can be easy to question your value when you enter a new environment expected to forge new relationships. I don’t know if the culture that you are in will be different than the culture that I was in but no matter what, remember that you are a person worthy of being known and worthy of being loved. You might question this. You might forget this. But it will always be true. Other people don’t determine your worth. Find it within. Value yourself, value your body, and value what you have to offer.
O- Own Yourself
Now is the time to decide who you are and who you want to be. I don’t mean solely in the career sense. That will come. I mean, personally. How do you want people to perceive you? What qualities do you have and do you want that you can be proud of? What beliefs do you want to delve deeper into and what beliefs do you want to leave behind? Use this time to become the Molly that you will forever be proud of. Define your values and don’t ever waver from them. Don’t try to make Mom and Dad proud. Don’t try to make Amy and I proud. Be proud of yourself – and hopefully that person that you are proud of is also the person that we can be proud of too.
U- Unite with Others
University is undeniably a time to meet new people and create deep and lasting friendships. Open yourself up to other people and do things with them. Go on adventures that you will be talking about for years. Don’t look for friends to heighten your status but seek out friends who will enhance your life now and later.
N- No regrets
I was told during my university career that I would regret certain decisions. I don’t. I may have slight regrets about a decision I made before even entering university, but I know that the decision I made then led me to the person I am now. Follow your heart and your passions and know that if you love what you are doing, you will never regret doing it. These days, people change their career almost as often as they change their underwear. It can feel daunting to make such major life decisions when you are 18 and 19 and 20, but they are not binding. Make your own decisions, but take guidance to heart.
G- Grow
You have such a beautiful opportunity to expand your mind in university. Learn everything you can and love the process. Drink it in. Think critically. Create work that you are proud of. Be passionate. Embrace all that this new opportunity has to offer.
Despite that feeling one night in March, I truly loved university. I hope you will too, Molly. This opportunity is yours for the taking. Make it worth it. Make yourself proud.
Because? I’m proud of you.
Love,
Your Sister
Colleen says
Your chant is SO MUCH BETTER!!!
Steph VW says
Thank you for this, Laura. I’m sending this link to my favourite freshwoman.
Latitia says
Love this Laura. Sharing with my sis.
Latitia recently posted..reunited with my first baby
Alison says
Molly is so lucky to have you as her big sister, to have this advice as she heads off to such an amazing life journey. University was one of my favorite times in my life.
Alison recently posted..Living
Kim@Co-Pilot Mom says
Now this is a chant worth cheering for! I love it, Laura – such an important, empowering message to your sister and to all young girls. It is an incredible journey and there is so much to learn, so much to experience.
Kim@Co-Pilot Mom recently posted..The End of Mommy Monster
Jennifer says
So important Laura. This is the perfect message for young women heading off to college. I wish we really could force what we know now into them so that they could avoid some of these situations.
Jennifer recently posted..Navigating the Section 504 Plan
Arnebya says
That last line is where it all comes together: make YOURSELF proud. Oh, it took us a few false starts to get where we are too, but your sister
will find her way. She has you showing her the road. You may be showing countless young women the way forward and it’s such an important message. And I’m with Jennifer: it’s hard to not try to get younger people to understand we’ve done it all, seen it all, and know what things to stay away from. It’s hard to let them make mistakes. But, oh, the growth that can come of it.
Arnebya recently posted..Consequences of Sex Between Teachers and Students Are Intentional and Necessary
Lady Jennie says
Gosh – I wish I had this advice when going to college. But I would have needed someone I really liked and respected to sit me down and tell it to me while staring in my face. I was all over the place!
Lady Jennie recently posted..We Don’t Become Angels When We Die
Virginia says
Wonderful read!
Jillian Brittney says
This is beautiful!
And advice for all of us….some of it anyway. It’s always important to re-evaluate!
Leigh Ann says
Oh, if only I could go back to college knowing what I know now. How silly we can be at such a young age.
Leigh Ann recently posted..An unexpected reflection
Katie Sluiter says
My first two years of college were some of the most fun times of my life, and I will say I had a lot of the same ideals. I was perhaps a little more wild, but my motto always was that I never wanted to be ashamed of who I was because of my choices. I may have almost failed philosophy, but I totally won at honoring my ideals for myself.
I totally want to print this and hand it to every one of my seniors as they leave my class this spring.
Katie Sluiter recently posted..It’s Personal
Keely says
This is awesome. And you? Adorable in that pic.
Keely recently posted..Back To School Isn’t All Fun And Games.
Brandy says
Laura, you and I had a somewhat similar first year of university. I was not much of a party person. I wanted to have new experiences and fun like my new-found-friends. I just limited them. First year was a tough one for me as I lost my grandpa only a couple months in. After he passed I felt really lost and things spiraled a little.
This is an amazing letter to your sister. She is lucky to have you as a sister. Very wise words to follow.
Brandy recently posted..Do The Unexpected
Andrea says
How I wish I had this chant to cling to when I started college. It would have saved me from a lot of starts and stops, and a lot of time thinking: Who am I?
I didn’t even know where to begin.
Your sister is very fortunate to have you in her corner!
Andrea recently posted..September 11, 2001
Robin @ Farewell, Stranger says
This is so good. SO GOOD.
I had heard about that chant, but I hadn’t heard the words. That’s actually unbelievable. What is up with people these days?! This is so disheartening. I hope those guys got put in their place and good. So not okay.
Anyway, enough of my rant. I love your advice here.
Robin @ Farewell, Stranger recently posted..Awakening Wonder
SoberJulie says
What a great post! It sounds that you have a great sense of self at that age….whereas I may not have…cough. My letter to a younger sister would be much like this, although it wouldn’t be from first hand good choices.