We have a great love story, David and I.
Ours is a tale of young love, stops and starts, heartbreak, and an enduring friendship. We were an experiment in timing – good and bad – and chances missed and then taken. It is the stuff of a fairy tale – or at least a decent rom-com.
Perhaps this is why I used to have an unrealistic view of marriage.
I thought that once the vows were spoken – and sealed with a kiss – every day I would smile a small, dreamy smile and think “I’m married.” Surely, every day I would gaze at him from across the room and count my lucky stars that he was my husband.
Once we were married, I thought the sea would calm. We would sail off into the sunset like Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks would have in one of their movies. Maybe an alternate ending for You’ve Got Mail?
Turns out, nearly sixteen years later, we don’t live in a seafaring fairy tale/romantic comedy. We don’t own a boat – not even a canoe. We have a blue wagon that has an appointment to go in the shop this week.
Our reality is much different from what I envisioned years ago.
David is not patient.
We always end up in an argument when we are getting ready to go anywhere. He is always ready first and I never seem to be fast enough for him. He doesn’t seem to care whether or not we have everything we need, he wants to be on the road 5 MINUTES AGO.
“I need to do x, y and z,” I will tell him.
“Okay. I’ll be out revving the engine.”
You think I am exaggerating? He composed the family classic song ‘We’re Gonna Leave Without Mommy.’
He cannot put a roll of toilet paper on the holder.
He is one of the most brilliant people I have ever met and yet this simple piece of technology seems to stump him. I always walk into the bathroom to see an empty roll on the rung and a fresh roll on the counter. Said counter may or may not be wet, soaking the bottom of the paper. Soggy TP has no place in a marriage.
He can’t load the dishwasher.
He tries, I know. But I cannot stop myself from coming up behind him and rearranging everything because, “The spray will not reach that plastic container if you block it with the mug. You are just going to bake the germs on.”
My Tom Hanks stand-in can’t change a roll of toilet paper or load a dishwasher – and the things I mutter under my breath when he is pestering me to “let’s get going already” are decidedly un-Meg-Ryan-like.
(In the interest of full disclosure, David’s list of complaints about me would include that fact that I squeeze the toothpaste from the middle of the tube and I never put condiments back in the fridge after I make a sandwich. Also that I often ask for his advice, but then do not follow it. Prince Charming doesn’t have to deal with that crap.)
But guess what? Remember that sea? The one on which we were set to sail in our imaginary boat when we said our vows? The sea that was supposed to calm? It didn’t.
Sometimes we got tossed around a bit over the years. But we kept sailing. Harbour to harbour – through storms of uncertainty and grief and turmoil, through waves of success and upheaval, high tides and low – we journeyed.
Along the way, toilet paper and dishwashers and road trip departure times get weighed against other little things:
He makes my coffee in the morning before he makes his own.
He eats the pickle off of my burger because he knows I don’t like them.
He can tell when I have a headache by the expression on my face.
And five minutes after we are finally – FINALLY! – on the road he finds a great sing-along song on the radio and I am smiling once more.
He knows me – my mind, my heart, my successes and shortcomings – and he loves me for them. Still. And though I don’t do it every day, I do gaze at him across the room and think how very lucky I am that he is my husband.
Great love stories are not fairy tales.
Marriage is not a silver screen fantasy that plays out in less than 2 hours with a pretty bow and a snappy soundtrack. It is harder. Better. And real.
(I wouldn’t mind the snappy soundtrack, though – as long as it doesn’t include David and the boys singing ‘We’re Gonna Leave Without Mommy.’ But then again, maybe it should. )
Thank you so much for inviting me today, Laura! It is such an honour to be here!
Kim recently posted..Marriage: Not a Seafaring Fairy Tale
Kim, thank you SO much for being here and for sharing your words with my blog. This is absolutely beautiful (everything you write is) and I simply love how you compare marriage to life at sea. It is so fitting!
Laura O’Rourke recently posted..Marriage: Not a (Seafaring) Fairy Tale
My favourite lines:
“Great love stories are not fairy tales.
Marriage is not a silver screen fantasy that plays out in less than 2 hours with a pretty bow and a snappy soundtrack. It is harder. Better. And real.”
YES. Exactly. Love your perspective, Kim.
PS: My husband doesn’t change the toilet paper roll either.
Alison recently posted..20 Strangers
Thank you so much, Alison!
I will never understand what is so difficult about changing the TP. :)
Kim recently posted..Marriage: Not a Seafaring Fairy Tale
Marriage is definitely more battening down the hatches during a storm than it is a pleasant float around a calm lake. The good thing is that you get both, and that you get to do both with someone you love, admire, and respect.
Jennifer recently posted..When Your Kid Goes to Summer Camp
There really is very little pleasant floating on the lake, isn’t there?
And yes, that is the very best thing. I wouldn’t have it any other way. :)
Kim recently posted..Marriage: Not a Seafaring Fairy Tale
I love this post. Very well written and so true!
Thank you, Jenessa!
Kim recently posted..Marriage: Not a Seafaring Fairy Tale
Kim- first of all, this is beautifully written. Second of all, it is such a real view on marriage. And I too love the line about how great love stories are not fairy tales. Where I’m standing today, I’m not certain that my love story will have to include a marriage again, but any enduring relationship will require the acceptance and understanding that you talk about above. And pizza. Of course, pizza. xo
Pizza is an absolute must. I agree. :)
(But acceptance and understanding are pretty great too!)
Kim recently posted..Marriage: Not a Seafaring Fairy Tale
Cassidy has the same toilet paper thing! He leaves one barely with anything left on it and starts a new one, rather than finish one, put on the other. Or at the very least, don’t finish it but put the new one on and just put the nearly finished one on top!
His list for me would include breaking the diaper genie.. ten times… and the time I tried to clean cat excrement out of my kids’ tent out on the lawn.
Ah, marriage.
This smooth boat on this rocky ocean. This rocky boat on this smooth ocean. Often, it just aligns.
Tamara recently posted..The Little Girl Who Lost Her Name.
There are always things that go wrong; little things, big things. It is all part of the ride, isn’t it?
I am glad I am not alone in the sole-replacer-of-the-toilet-paper thing. (Although David maintains that he does it more often than I give him credit for.) :)
Kim recently posted..Marriage: Not a Seafaring Fairy Tale
Such a lovey and very true to life analogy…marriage and the sea. Beautiful post, Kim. A beautiful coupling too.
I’m in love with this series, Laura!! You have had some amazing contributors. They have really set the bar high.
Tonya recently posted..The Day Lola Was Born
I am so very glad to hear your love of the series, Tonya! :) (and other people who say that too). I’m loving it (and learning from it) myself!
Laura O’Rourke recently posted..Loving Canada
Thank you so much, Tonya!!
Kim recently posted..Marriage: Not a Seafaring Fairy Tale
Tim always gives me his tomatoes if they happen to include them on his burger or sandwich, because he knows I love them and he does not like them. He hates how I leave the lid just barely on things in the fridge (and yes this HAS bitten both of us in the a$$ a few times…) and I hate how he cannot seem to turn off a light, EVER.
You’re right, no fairy tale here either. But a love built on so much more. I’m glad to know that you and David have this too… :)
So true, Elaine. Love is built on all those little those things. Fairy tales have nothing on that. :)
Kim recently posted..Marriage: Not a Seafaring Fairy Tale
All those little things are so funny, aren’t they? They can drive you crazy, but when you stop and think about the fact that you accept them because you love him, you realize just how insignificant those things are, and how important it is that you accept them as part of him.
Robin @ Farewell, Stranger recently posted..Postpartum Progress: 10 Years of Magic
When I look at the big picture, the little things do seem really insignificant. I guess we just have to accept each other the way we are. :)
Kim recently posted..Marriage: Not a Seafaring Fairy Tale
Oh, Kim! This is just perfect!
This is a great summation of what marriage is really like.. we ALL drive each other a bit crazy at times, but when you *truly* find the one person who is willing to put up with your crazy? Well that’s a marriage made in heaven.
:D
I would really love to hear the song, btw. Just saying’. ;)
Peady recently posted..No Need to Shake it Like a Polaroid Picture – Peady’s Photo A Day Challenge
It is nice when we find someone who will put up with all of our stuff isn’t it? :)
The lyrics to the song go:
We’re gonna leave without Mommy,
Mommy’s gonna have to take the bus
And they repeat them over and over – and laugh. :)
Kim recently posted..Boys on the Bus
I love that you mix the hard parts of marriage into your view of what makes it good. With the good stuff comes the not-so-good, I think sometimes to make us appreciate the good that much more.
I think the not-so-good does help us see all the good. I find that in other things in life, too. :)
Kim recently posted..Boys on the Bus