When Laura asked me to write for her again, I was so flattered. I got my foster license this past fall and haven’t even written for myself in over 6 months. Isn’t funny the things you’ll drop everything for when a friend asks, but that you won’t do for yourself?
Marriage. It’s a funny concept. When you’re young (for lots of people before their brain is fully developed), society says pick someone to love and commit to loving them every day for the rest of your life. Marriage is supposed to be this sacred part of life where there’s a safety net that says no matter what happens, you’ve got someone to count on.
I don’t see it that way, though. Not only was I raised as a child of divorce, my parents got divorced before I was one and both remarried by the time I was three. In my life, I’ve only ever known 4 parents. And while growing up, I saw divorce at school and on television. Marriage is sacred? No, it’s fallible. It’s as imperfect as anything else in this world.
Some people say, “I don’t believe in divorce” if somehow it were like the tooth fairy. Instead, divorce is like the theory of gravity; it’s real whether you believe in it or not. Unfortunately, the divorce rate is so high because of two reasons: people marry the wrong person or they bail too quickly. Quite often both, in fact. Actually, another issue is that people aren’t focused on their relationship, only what they can get from it. Marriage isn’t give and take. Marriage is give. I give my wife the world and she gives me the same.
My wife and I are one of those couples everyone says will go the distance. We’ve been together 12 years, more than 8 of which have been as husband and wife. We don’t fight. We don’t yell. We don’t cuss. (Well, ok, I do cuss. A lot. But not at her.) And oh, don’t get me wrong, she frustrates the hell out of me sometimes. Likewise, I do the same to her. The way we see things and tackle problems is completely different, so we don’t always agree. But there is no nastiness; no name-calling; no intentional hurting.
You see, the secret to marriage is about how you act. You can’t control anything about your spouse, but you can control how you react. If you always treat your spouse with respect and in a way you would want to be treated, things go really well. Maybe someone reading this right now is in a crappy marriage because they married the wrong person. That doesn’t mean the marriage is doomed. What dooms the marriage is when people fight dirty. Fighting destroys marriages. Disagreement doesn’t. A civil discussion between spouses that doesn’t escalate isn’t fighting, it’s communicating. And if there’s one thing you must do in a marriage after respect each other, it’s communicate.
Can you read minds? Neither can I. Until you can read minds, assume your spouse can’t either. So you’re going to need to talk. If you can touch each other’s naughty bits, you can talk to one another. You know what sucks to talk about? Finances. You know what’s easy to talk about? The weather. If you need to talk to your spouse about finances but can’t, start small and work your way up.
There are deal-breakers in my marriage. I will not stand for certain things and divorce is the nuclear option. But the launch code hasn’t been issued and I foresee no need for it. We’re going to go the distance.
It’s amazing what you can accomplish with another person when you work together selflessly. For me, marriage isn’t difficult. It isn’t work. I get to hang out with my best friend all the time. Plus she occasionally lets me touch a boob… If I’m good… On the day of Harvest Moon… In the year of the Winter Olympic trials… If they’re being hosted in a country with a parliament. But bottom line is this:
If you want a good marriage, be a good spouse.
Michael, this is such a great post! Thank you so much for participating in this project, even with so much going on in your life right now. I really love the line about how marriage is not about give and take – it is about give. I think about that every once in a while when I feel needy and selfish. I think about how my job isn’t necessarily to talk about what I’m not getting out of the marriage but to look at what I’m not putting into it.
Laura O’Rourke recently posted..Loving Canada
Laura, seriously, thank you so much. I’m glad you found something to hold onto in my words.
It’s ok to be needy and you can’t feel bad for being selfish on occasion. But the best way to get what you want from a relationship is to make sure the other person has all of their needs fulfilled. Without worrying about what they’re missing, they have plenty of opportunity to make sure your needs are met too! If I had a magic wand, I’d make you never feel that way, but since I don’t, that’s all I have to offer. :-/
Great post, Michael. You state so many aspects of a good marriage and of being a good spouse. My MIL, divorced twice now and with 2 out of 3 married children who have divorced, says that my husband and I are her rock, that we too will go the distance. And I give most of the credit for that to my husband. He’s taught me so much about selflessness.
Thank you, Leigh Ann.
It’s funny you used that phrase, because my wife calls me her rock. :D
Lots of people make the same mistake over and over again and never learn. The smart person learns after making a mistake. The truly intelligent person learns after seeing someone else make a mistake.
It sounds like your husband might be one of those rare, truly intelligent people. That speaks pretty highly of you too. ;)
And thanks for commenting, you’re one of the small handful of people I really miss from my twitter days.
Michael Lombardi recently posted..New Words
“if you want a good marriage, be a good spouse”. Wow, it’s really that simple isn’t it?
I don’t always like being married but then I remember who I married and I know that I made a good choice to spend my life with someone who knows, loves and supports me. I try everyday to do the same for him.
I really enjoyed this and it made me think “big thoughts”.
Kir recently posted..Procurement
Thanks Kirsten. I like being married, but sometimes it aggravates my wife that I am not totally dependant on her like a sitcom husband. :-P
I’m glad you made a good choice, it makes things easier! It’s sad how many people take what’s available instead of what’s right for them. You don’t have to date a lot of people, but taking the first one that comes along is a bad strategy.
I think as long as you’re trying everyday to give him love and support that things are probably pretty good.
Great post.
The only think I’m going to disagree with is the part where you said that marriage isn’t work. Perhaps you and I have different definitions of what exactly work is. But for me, it’s work to communicate with my husband about the difficult topics. It’s work to remember to not be selfish. It takes effort to treat him in the respectful way that he deserves when I’ve had a rotten day and all I want to do is be grumpy and go off on someone.
I agree that the key to a good marriage is to be a good spouse. But I think it’s wrong to say that doing that isn’t work. At least sometimes. :)
Momma Sunshine recently posted..Happy Accidents
Thanks Momma S.
I suspect we do have different definitions of work. I also think any self work is to better me and so it’s the life, not marriage, category that would be where such efforts land in my tally sheet. ;)
Michael Lombardi recently posted..New Words
Love this! The last sentence is key: “If you want a good marriage, be a good spouse.” It really is as simple and as complicated as that.
Nice to hear from a man on marriage. (:
Tonya recently posted..Conversations About Kindergarten
Thank you so much, Tonya.
I do admit to not being a “typical” man with regards to just about anything, but I do have a Y chromosome! :D
I love your perspective on this, Michael. I think that concentrating on being a good spouse does make things easier. It constantly reminds us to give – when sometimes, in some situations, we might take a little too often. Feeling loved and appreciated often does inspire the same reaction in our partners, doesn’t it?
Kim recently posted..Marriage: Not a Seafaring Fairy Tale
Thank you, Kim. Yes, emotion is just as contagious as the flu. If I’m grumpy and in a bad mood, why expect her to be any different? No one wants to live with a grump!
Wonderful to hear from such an obviously sensitive and insightful man about marriage. My 16th wedding anniversary is this week, and even though I think I have a pretty good marriage, I still learned something here.
Jennifer Hall recently posted..No Longer a Candidate for Kidney Transplant
Wow, thank you. That’s incredibly special to hear.
And a happy 16th to ya!
I really love this post.
It may seem ridiculously simple a concept, but I agree that if you want a good marriage you need to be a good spouse.
That’s not to say that for some couples this is not a lopsided endeavour, but for two people in a marriage with a common goal, moving forward together, it really is this simple.
The best is when you know you are being a good spouse to someone who is also being a good spouse! :D
Lovely post!
Peady recently posted..Me! Me! Me! Meeeee!
Great post, and I love the takeaway messages: “Marriage isn’t give and take. Marriage is give.” AND “If you want a good marriage, be a good spouse.”
It’s so simple, and covers everything.
Andrea recently posted..Fight Nice