I wasn’t sure about the house. It was close to the beach, it had a second floor wrap around porch that lent a great view of the ocean. It had a ground level bedroom for guests. But there were faults. The rooms were small and musty and paneled with dark wood. The kitchen wasn’t the least bit modern. There was no dishwasher. The clothing dryer was old. Would the landlord call someone to fix it if it broke down? I didn’t have much time to find a place to live, and rentals were sparse on our island, affordable rentals were more so. I felt compelled to jump on anything that seemed borderline satisfactory. I was feeling hasty but not so much that I didn’t value a second set of eyes.
B. came down that night with pizza. He met the kids and me at the store. We agreed he’d follow me in his car to the rental house and without conversation, the children hopped into the back seat of his pick up.
They loved riding in his car.
B. walked through the rental house slowly and thoughtfully, checking switches and opening cabinets and running his hands up and down walls. He walked around the perimeter of the yard and pointed to the grass in the back.
“It hasn’t been mowed in a while,” he said.
“I’ll have to find someone to take care of it for me,” I replied. The owner of the house mentioned that lawn upkeep was the tenant’s responsibility.
We poked and prodded and chatted and continued the discussion about the house that night over pizza.
Later, when I tucked the kids to bed, my son said to me, “Mom, when you and B. get married, he can mow that lawn for you.”
“B and I can’t get married,” I replied.
Which left my son, who is crazy for B., in astonishment.
“Why not?”
“Because I’m still married to your father.”
For this, he sat up in bed. “Well then why don’t you still live with him?”
Thus began my “eight year old friendly” version of why I’m still legally married to a man that I left two years ago.
In the State of New Jersey, where I lived when I separated from S, you don’t have to have a separation for any amount of time before filing for divorce. S. and I could have filed for divorce on the very day that we decided we no longer wanted to be married. But at that time, for me, there was a mighty large line between no longer being married and getting divorced. I had other things on my mind, like figuring out how to take care of my children without a spouse, reconfiguring finances, and contemplating the changes I would need to make in order to give my children a good life as a single mother. Not to mention, I was angry at my estranged husband, and I knew I was angry, I was so angry at him for so many things that had I gone to court for a divorce two years ago, I would have fought hard and scrappy.
I would have been spiteful.
I would have “gone for the jugular” to try to right what I saw as being a litany of wrongs he had performed against me.
So I put the divorce on the shelf.
Which means I’m still married. Legally, anyway.
Will S. and I ever live as husband and wife again? No. However, we do share three children together, and that in itself means that we will always, despite our very separate lives, be a family.
Will we one day put a legal end to our marriage? Probably. But I doubt it will be the mud slinging fest that it might have been for me two years ago. There are things I could not accept about our marriage when we lived under the same roof, and for the most part, they are the same things that I have difficulty accepting now. However, my anger has subsided. And I know that a large settlement through the court or a different division of assets will never, in itself, right the wrongs I felt.
In the meantime, there’s B. who won’t be able to become my husband so long as S. is still my husband. But even without the title of “husband,” he fills my life with so many good things.
I didn’t take that rental house that B. looked at me that night. I found another house, much more suitable, and modern for me and the children. Like the other house, yard maintenance is the tenant’s responsibility.
Even though we’re not married, B. does, in fact, mow my lawn for me.
Ilene, how wonderful for you that you have found someone who fills your life with what you need.
May your happiness be long and everlasting. And that the lawn stays mowed. :)
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Thank you friend. And let’s hear it for well maintained lawns!
Ilene, thank you so much for being here today and for sharing your story. I love how you make it clear through your prose that not all families are the same and not all husbands fill that role and that some marriages have the title without the commitment while some marriages have the commitment without the title.
Laura O’Rourke recently posted..A Modern Family Romance Part Two
Laura, I’m honored that you asked me to share your space with you today. And we don’t need the title to have the commitment and visa versa. I’m a believer in marriage for sure – but also a believer in not being married as well.
I love that you are sharing your story here, Ilene! You know how I feel about you :)
Mowing the lawn is more of a commitment than marriage for some, so B. is doing all the right things – the rest will fall into place. xoxox
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Oh,, friend! And you know how I feel about YOU! And you’re right about that lawn. Not to mention that man washes the granola sheet pans for me when he’s around. Good guy. A keeper for sure.
Love this story (and to see you here, Ilene!). Romance and family are their own amazing and beautiful things all on their own. Love that you have found both.
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Tricia, thank you so much! I love that we can create our own families,even when they are unconventional.
I am in such awe over your strength, that you were able to put your emotions aside and see the bigger picture. Thank you for sharing your story, and I am so happy that you have found someone who fills you with so many good things (not to mention mows your lawn).
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Bev, I’m glad I waited on the divorce. It was the right thing for me for many reasons. And yes, I’m one lucky woman to have found this man. And the lawn mowing is certainly a bonus!
Just so happy that you’re happy! For me, having my divorce finalized was a step that I had to take to be able to move on. Now that I have I hope to find someone as special as your B. Love you!
Martha, I can totally understand why the divorce part is important as far as closure goes. Maybe it’s the physical distance between me and S. That’s provided this for me? Love you too my friend! Xo
It’s hard when there is anger involved. And, really, with divorce, is it every pretty? As I navigate my own divorce, I’ve had the opportunity to hear other women’s stories. It’s been eye-opening. I’ve realized that there’s no one right way to handle divorce. I think you’ve handled your separation beautifully, Ilene. When it comes down to it, it’s all about prioritizing what’s right for you and the kids. Sending much love to you! xo
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You have a wonderful way of unfolding some of the most intimate parts of your life and heart without the “look at me” type of writing.
I’m in awe not only of your writing talent but of your strength, self awareness, tenacity and depth of your love not only for your children, the beginnings of it with B but for S, as well.
You are one amazing woman, Ilene. Keep living well, my friend. Your head and heart seem to have a great handle on how to direct you.
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I was so going to say, “Well he can still mow your lawn for you if you want!”
Of course.
When there is a wedding, sign me up for those pizza engagement photos. For sure. Ok?
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Beautifully written and wonderful story – thank you for sharing. I hope B continues to keep that lawn mowed – although you sound like you don’t NEED anyone to mow anything for you – you are a strong woman! :)
Tove Stakkestad recently posted..Pen > Paper > Heart: Letter to a Working Mom
This is lovely, Ilene. I am so happy that you have found so much happiness on your island – and someone special to share it with. (And of course help with the lawn.) :)
Kim recently posted..Boys on the Bus
This is such a beautiful post Ilene in so many ways. Your words are stunning. I admire you and that you were able to have the insight and awareness to put your emotions aside and I am so so happy that you have B in your life.
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Ilene I”m so glad you found someone to make you happy! You deserve it girl!
Natalie recently posted..Taking Time for Us
The house, the lawn, the thoughtful and mature way you handled your split – wow. And what a gift you gave your children by avoiding the mudslinging. You deserve all the good things that are in your life, Ilene – I’m so happy for you!
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Ah, good. Well, not “good good” , but … well, you know what I mean. (Sorry – I wanted to go read IMMEDIATELY but the webpage wouldn’t load at the hotel, and I had to wait until I got back from vacation to read the whole thing!! I’ve been on tenterhooks!)
You’re doing this thing right, and that’s excellent, also, as you well know, two years isn’t really very long in the grand scheme of things. If you and B are right for each other, you will both be able to be patient while you sort out the legal details of your life with S.
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Well it doesn’t look like my comment over here went either. Who knows where it went?! I’m so glad you’ve found someone that makes you happy, Ilene. If it’s meant to be, you guys will work it out. I know you will. Sending hugs!
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You are such a wise woman. I don’t know if I wouldn’t have just gone for the jugular immediately- with my rage. You are amazing. And I love love love that you have someone in your life who is wonderful, and good to you- and that you are learning what it’s like to be loved. That is more important than any divorce or marriage right now…
But oh, how I do hope and pray you one day, get to say “I do” to your forever man. When it’s right. When you ‘know’. When life brings you to sealing off ends, and launching new beginnings. When papers are signed and hearts are ignited for new dreams… <3
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What an interesting take on the marriage series. You are wise to put divorce on the shelf, to get your emotions in check and figure out the right way to do things. Not many have your patience and compassion. Great story, thank you for sharing it.
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