A decade ago my husband, Cortney, asked me to be his wife.
How we got to this place is a story that I am asked over and over because it is very much one of the “meant to be” stories. The short version is that we grew up in the same small town, went to the same elementary school, middle school, and high school. Became close friends in high school, and then went to the same university. We were never high school sweethearts. We were friends. Friends who talked long into the night about relationships, parents, school, and life. It wasn’t until we found ourselves both back in our small town and since in our mid-twenties that we started dating and realized we were meant to live the rest of our lives together.
There are funny parts to the story that leave people asking, “and you NEVER thought to date EACH OTHER?” There are sad moments as we both went through difficult break-ups (including a set of parents). But in the end, people love the story because it is truly a story that seems made up…if it wasn’t completely true.
But our “love story” is not where our story ends. Our wedding day was not followed by “and they lived happily ever after,” with a book closing on our story.
We do not have a fairytale marriage. In fact, most fairytales end at the wedding, as if getting to the altar is that hard part and from there on it’s cake, so I’m not sure if there is such a thing as a fairytale marriage.
As much as people swoon at the story of how we met, they cringe at the rest of our tale. Two months into this marriage, we lost Cortney’s dad to cancer. Two years later we lost our first pregnancy. Then another pregnancy. When we were finally able to sustain a pregnancy, the birth was traumatic, leaving me scared with PTSD and postpartum mood disorders galore. Then Cortney lost his job. As a teacher in a district with declining enrollment, my job was always up in the air as well. We juggled uncertainty and heartache.
Even my therapist shakes her head with a small smirk when I rub my eyes and question why I have still have depressive episodes. Has struggle just become my default for how life should be, she wonders. Others who have listened to me tell our journey ask “how” as well. How do we do it and still seem to be not just surviving as a couple, but thriving?
I don’t know if I can pinpoint why we work down to one simple thing, but I do know that it has a lot to do with our attitude of teamwork. In fact, our motto has always been Team Sluiter, even when it was just the two of us.
When overwhelm takes over one of us, the other person jumps in and helps out to relieve stress. I’ll take one of the boys out of the house with me on a couple errands, or Cortney will unload the dishwasher and vacuum the house on his lunch hour. Cortney has probably changed far more dirty diapers than I have in our five years of being parents, but can probably count on one hand how many times he’s had to clean the bathroom. I’ve never ironed anything, but he has never dusted. That is how our teamwork works.
But it’s bigger than that too. Sometimes when someone shows up for you in a way no one has before, it’s easy to start apologizing for being a burden. For causing plans to go awry because of your problem or emergency. I have apologized more times than I can count for the stress I feel like is “my fault” in our marriage: miscarriages, mental illness, job uncertainty. Every single time Cortney has held me, listened to me, and told me that I have nothing to apologize for. That we are a team.
When he felt like a failure after getting laid off and wondered how we would make it with a three-month old baby in the house, I listened to him and then told him, “It’s Ok. We will make it. We are a team.”
When Eddie had colic and I thought I had lost my mind (turned out to be postpartum depression and anxiety), Cortney would assure me that the phase would pass and we would work through it together as a team.
When I look back to every time either of us has ever questioned how we were going to make it, the answer was always because we are a team.
It is an incredible thing to go through life knowing you are never ever alone. That there is at least one person out there that will not let you fall all the way to the bottom without going down there with you to sit and comfort you as you go through your pain.
Because of our team mentality we have pushed through all the struggles and managed to laugh while doing it. We have caught each other, picked each other up, and cheered for each other through success and victories.
I really love this team-mentality. I am so glad to see how it has worked out so well for you and Cortney. I try so hard to bring the “team” idea into my family. It is definitely an ideal I’m continuing to work towards.
Laura O’Rourke recently posted..We’re On Each Other’s Team
I was not a sports person (I think they call them athletes…whatevs), nor did I have a sister. My family growing up wasn’t really a team either, although we had each other’s backs. This “we are a team” thing came from Cortney and it comforts me. I love it when Eddie says something like, “Let’s go, Team Sluiter!” when we are going somewhere. Makes my heart happy.
Katie recently posted..I Am Not Alone and Neither Are You
Laura thank you for being a welcoming place for my words about my marriage. I love this topic and I look forward to reading the rest of the series!
Katie recently posted..Off He Goes
I think you’ve touched on one of the major keys to a relationship that works, despite and in spite of whatever’s thrown at it – teamwork. Standing up for and with each other. Thank you for sharing your awesome story with us!
Alison recently posted..Through The Lens Thursday #27: Mess
You are so welcome. It’s fun to watch the team mentality overflow into Eddie and Charlie’s lives too. It’s not just a team of two anymore, we are a team of four!
Katie recently posted..I Am Not Alone and Neither Are You
I whole-heartedly agree with all of this. Sometimes one has to fight or hold on harder than the other, and it is an amazing thing to know that it doesn’t always have to be you.
Jennifer recently posted..Splish, Splash, Summer – Happy Mama Movement
YES! and when I apologize to Cort for not pulling my weight or working as hard he says, “hey. team effort. We don’t keep score here.” That is so important.
Katie recently posted..I Am Not Alone and Neither Are You
Being a team and laughing together? Sounds like a fairytale to me :) – all fairy tales have parts with struggles, but they have a happy ending and that’s what matters. Go Team Sluiter! xoxox
Kerstin @ Auer Life recently posted..Experience2014 – June Round-Up
A lot of the struggles don’t feel very fairy tale-ish, but you’re right…we come through in the end and that is DEFINITELY a trademark part of a fairy tale. :)
Katie recently posted..I Am Not Alone and Neither Are You
this is beautiful and real and so honest I’m crying.
Marriage is so hard, it’s harder than anything I’ve ever done besides parenting and being married. Together…holy cow!!!
John calls us Team Piccini (but mostly because I dress us all in coordinating colors every day) but the truth is we are a team. I love how you explained it, I do this and he does that..but some things we do together. It’s the little things that make up the BIG things in a marriage and your piece really reflected that.
I’m so glad that you and Cortney found one another and that your life is a balance (and support) of one another. Thank you for sharing that with us.
(Love this project Laura. It’s wonderful!)
Kir recently posted..Jane
I will be honest…I like to dress the boys in coordinating (if not matching) outfits too. It’s all part of the team effort, right?
Cortney refuses to join the matching fun. Party pooper.
Katie recently posted..I Am Not Alone and Neither Are You
We also say “Team Alguire” a lot. :) I love feeling this way, it’s true, as family (of just 2 or more!) you must support each other in this way. You are blessed to be part of such a wonderful team, Katie & Courtney!
We are totally blessed! It’s a wonderful feeling to be part of something…and when it’s your family that makes you feel part of something, well that is just amazing! :)
Katie recently posted..I Am Not Alone and Neither Are You
This is lovely! Teamwork is definitely a great way to approach marriage.
Sometimes it’s hard to see it, but it is so wonderful to know you have a lifelong partner who’s got your back- no matter what!
Great post!
Peady recently posted..No Need to Shake it Like a Polaroid Picture – Peady’s Photo A Day Challenge
YES! I agree. And now the team attitude is starting to rub off on our sons. So great to know my boys feel supported that way.
Katie recently posted..I Am Not Alone and Neither Are You
I think that’s one of the best things about a good marriage….you always have someone on your team. Love you two!
Greta recently posted..Project 365: Week 26
Aw. Thanks, Greta!! xxoo
Katie recently posted..I Am Not Alone and Neither Are You
Such a great perspective to carry with you in your marriage. Sadly, too many couples keep score on opposite sides instead of working toward a mutual goal. I’m so happy that you care and support each other like you do. I have no doubt that people can learn a lot from your example, your boys first and most importantly. Bravo!!
Andrea recently posted..What a Bunch of Weirdos
Whenever I apologize for not pulling my weight or feeling like I am letting the Team down, Cortney reminds me that we don’t keep score on a team. We are all together. It’s not about one individual, it’s about how all of us end up…together. It’s really a wonderful feeling knowing I am not carrying our whole family alone…and neither is he.
Katie recently posted..I Am Not Alone and Neither Are You
I think of all the times we could have called it quits, all the times where team was NOT in my mind, our minds. It’s about holding on to that teamwork foundation, knowing that no matter the circumstance, attitude, stress, hard headedness, whatever, remembering that we are a team is essential. You’ve highlighted and described that so well here, Katie.
Arnebya recently posted..What’s in a (Starbucks) Name?
Thanks, friend. I am the one who mostly feels that I am not doing right by the team, but Cortney is so good at reminding me that we are in it together. I just try to pull it together so he can sit the bench a little too…get a breather. No one should have to stay in the game full-time.
Katie recently posted..I Am Not Alone and Neither Are You