I don’t go around telling people that I’m married to husband #3, but I also don’t make a secret out of it and I certainly don’t feel bad about it when the topic comes up. Marriage means many things to many different people, and my understanding of it has definitely changed over the years.
I have never considered marriage something sacred, because I have seen way too many people, who were married for many years, treat each other disrespectfully and not in a sacred way at all. So when I had the chance to leave Germany at the young age of 19 and get married to an American guy I barely knew, I didn’t think twice. Embarking on an adventure to the unknown seemed like a good idea at the time, and while it was an adventure, it sure didn’t last long. I really had no concept of marriage and what commitment even means.
Except for the occasional time I stalk him on Facebook to see if it triggers any memories, I can’t really say that I think a whole lot about my first husband or even remember much about him. I know that he was quite a few years older than me, but when I saw on Facebook the other day that he had a hip replacement, I did start wondering how old he actually is… I also wondered if he has any concept of Facebook privacy settings, but that might be his advanced age… It seems to be in the nature of adventures that we remember more about them than about the people we went with.
I have good memories of the time I spent living in Colorado and while husband #1 is not really part of those memories, husband #2 – whom I met there – actually is. That’s probably because we had a really good time together while I was between marriages… He followed me back to Germany and once again, marrying seemed like a good idea at the time – especially because we wanted children. I got pregnant shortly after we were married and I blame the failure of this – very short – marriage on temporary insanity on my part during pregnancy. Or maybe I was just a bitch and still really immature. By the time I was four months pregnant we were separated and he moved back to the US while I stayed in Germany.
Rebelling against conventions and temporarily succumbing to traditions anyway – that’s the only way I can explain my first two marriages.
Marriage #3 has surprised me. My husband and I (I am wife #3) have been married for 14 years. When we met I was a single mother of an almost 2-year-old daughter and he was fresh out of his second marriage. Maybe our expectations were low enough to give it a try – after all, what’s another divorce? Or maybe, just maybe we were meant to be together.
I wrote earlier that my understanding of marriage has changed over the years, and of course I want to share it with you. I still don’t believe that marriage is sacred. I believe that “marriage” is really just a legal status on a piece of paper, but being married is a chance for two people to build something extraordinary together.
So why does our marriage work? As it turns out, low expectations have nothing to do with it. But it has everything to do with respect and kindness, with being willing – and able – to sit through the pain and sleep over it, to lift each other up and meet in the middle, to bring out the best and the worst in each other, to accept and to challenge, to stand your ground and to compromise.
I’m not saying that husband #1 and #2 were not willing or able to do all that, because maybe I wasn’t at the time; what I am saying is that sometimes we get a third chance and it’s a charm.
Your honesty is the thing I love most about you, Kerstin. It’s refreshing to read a perspective about marriage that isn’t all lalala, rainbows and unicorns, because god knows, it’s not always sunshine in that land.
I think everything happens for a reason, and that includes you meeting and marrying husbands #1 and #2. They were in your life for a reason, and without them as ‘stepping stones’ (for lack of a better word), you might not be where you are today with Roland.
Alison recently posted..4 H’s Of A Relatively Successful Marriage
You betcha – it’s not all rainbows and lalala… and I have to agree with you, about things happening for a reason. I’m a big believer in that in general and I often look at my family and feel grateful that it is the way it is – and even for the reason behind it. xoxox
Kerstin, I really loved this post. I love your honesty. I love your perspective. And I especially love to hear what you have learned through your experience. Your last few paragraphs are just SO very poignant! Thank you so much for sharing your words with me and this series!
Laura recently posted..My Big Normal News
Laura – thanks so much for having me! I’m thrilled to be a part of your project! xoxox
I really loved this line:
I believe that “marriage” is really just a legal status on a piece of paper, but being married is a chance for two people to build something extraordinary together.
The idea that marriage is something we build is so apt, and it’s so tough sometimes. But when you peek at those parts that lend themselves to extraordinary? It’s all worth it.
angela recently posted..Suzanne Davis Gets a Life – A review
Some days it really feels like it’s hard, physical labour to build a marriage, right? Thank god there is also the hard, physical good kind ;)
I didn’t need another reason to love you Kerstin, but you went and gave me one anyways. Another amazing, honest, raw share – Thank You!
Thank you, my friend – you know how I feel about you! xoxox
Kerstin @ Auer Life recently posted..Third Time’s a Charm
I love this Kerstin. So glad that your journey led you to happiness. Timing is important and finding someone with whom you can share the ups and downs is a beautiful thing,
Kim recently posted..Happy Birthday, Me
Yes, the right timing is definitely underestimated, true that :)
Kerstin @ Auer Life recently posted..Third Time’s a Charm
I love your story Kerstin. It takes a lot to build a life together, and you have some great advice here.
Thank you Jennifer – that’s a big compliment, coming for the advice lady :) – xoxox
Kerstin @ Auer Life recently posted..Third Time’s a Charm
Oh Kerstin – I love this so much – your honesty and openness and your very obvious love of life..and your spouse. xoxo
tracy@sellabitmum recently posted..12 Signs That You Are Menopausal
It’s the only life I have – might as well embrace it and love it, right? ;)
Love you, Tracy!
Kerstin @ Auer Life recently posted..Third Time’s a Charm
I love this! I love Kerstin and her honesty and openness is refreshing. Here’s to charms!!
Tonya recently posted..Tracy’s Story: Say No To NuvaRing
Thanks for coming and reading, Tonya – it means a lot to me!
Kerstin @ Auer Life recently posted..Third Time’s a Charm
I loved getting to know you better through this. I am so glad your third time is the charm! What a great couple you are, in marriage and in life! xo
I’m so glad it’s a charm as well, Elaine. And I’m glad you like my borderline-TMI stories ;) xox
Kerstin @ Auer Life recently posted..Third Time’s a Charm
Hey, it seems like third time really is the charm!
The hip replacement story did crack me up.
It just.. happens. My mother-in-law is on her third marriage. My mom is on her second. My other mother-in-law (step) is on her second marriage to the same guy! (Cassidy’s dad)
When it’s good, it’s good. And we all hope it stays that way. Sometimes it doesn’t.
Tamara recently posted..Over The Top.
I still can’t remember how old he actually is – but a hip replacement? I don’t remember him being that much older… but then again, some days my hip feels like it need to be replaced ;)
Kerstin @ Auer Life recently posted..Third Time’s a Charm
I loved your story. Third time lucky, eh?
I really need to learn to sleep on it.
The sleeping on it is HARD – but so worth it!
Kerstin @ Auer Life recently posted..Third Time’s a Charm
3 is my favorite number and honestly I think that sometimes it takes 3 times to get things right in most things. One to make mistakes, two to apply the lessons of them and three to reap the benefits.
Loved your story, your honest and most of all the ordinary miracles that bring us to the places we are meant to be. YAY for them, most of all. xo
Kir recently posted..Jane
Thank you for your words, my friend! 13 is my favourite number, so I guess I’m way below average, right? ;) xox
Kerstin @ Auer Life recently posted..Third Time’s a Charm
I love your generosity, both with your past marriage partners and yourself. It shows an incredible amount of maturity, realism, and honesty to speak about past relationships that way, especially ones that hold so much weight and emotion in our society. It’s refreshing to read about someone who isn’t bent on bashing an ex. You rock!
If we’re not generous to ourselves, who will be? That’s how I look at it. And bashing an ex would not say anything good about my own judgement, right ;) xox
Kerstin @ Auer Life recently posted..Third Time’s a Charm
Love you Kerstin! I kinda love that you think marriage isn’t all that sacred. ME TOO.
There are a lot of “me, too”‘s between us, right? I really love that :) xox
Kerstin @ Auer Life recently posted..Third Time’s a Charm
Do I think marriage is sacred? No, I guess not. But I went into it very deliberately. I think ultimately what matters is the relationship with that particular person, and it sounds like you found the sweet spot.
I think one of the things I am really loving about this series is seeing how everyone approaches marriage differently. I appreciate Kerstin’s story so much and definitely think she has a lot to teach someone like me who is still trying to find that sweet spot in my marriage, but I also do see a sacredness in marriage, and I think that’s okay. I think it is important to enter marriage deliberately, and continue each day as a married couple as deliberately as we can. (I like the word “deliberate” you used. I think it applies really well to this topic).
The sweet spot is definitely where its’ at – whether one thinks marriage is sacred or not. Being deliberate and consciously choosing to find the sweet spot (and it keeps changing, the damn thing) is the real secret ;)
Kerstin @ Auer Life recently posted..Third Time’s a Charm
Oh I love this story. For one, it makes me want to know so much more about you. And secondly, I agree that marriage isn’t sacred. But my loyalty and faithfulness to my husband is. The signatures on paper? Meh, that’s just legal stuff that means we get to say, “you signed on the line. you have to deal with my farts.”
what? just us?
Katie recently posted..I Am Not Alone and Neither Are You
No, definitely not just you, when it comes to dealing with the farts :D
This is a wonderfully honest post.
I like the idea of a commitment and to me it is *kind* of sacred, but not in the I worship marriage way.
I think we make choices that work for us, eventually. :)
We didn’t invest in a wedding, but we sure as heck are invested in our marriage.
Peady recently posted..Me! Me! Me! Meeeee!
“We didn’t invest in a wedding, but we sure as heck are invested in our marriage.” – I LOVE THAT!
Very awesome.
Thanks for stopping by and reading!
Kerstin @ Auer Life recently posted..Third Time’s a Charm
I love your Love story! As much as I believe marriage is about to people working together I also agree with you that timing plays a big role. You were just both ready. The piece of paper in my opinion is a formality it says nothing at all about the couple. Great article, I loved learning more about you :)
Hey! Thanks for stopping by and reading :)
Sometimes I think I should have tried harder with No 1 and No 2, but then I wouldn’t be where I’m at with No 3… I guess there is never a perfect solution, but this one worked out pretty well in the end ;)
Kerstin @ Auer Life recently posted..Wildfire