I was in my office bathroom, a shared space where I probably spend a little too much time these days emptying a bladder that is doubling as a soccer ball. The bathroom has three stalls, two sinks, and one hand towel dispenser, so there are times when I can get pretty close to coworkers and other women who work on my floor. A lady who works in a different office was drying her hands while I was reaching over for some paper towel. She glanced at my pregnant belly. “When are you due?” she asked me.
I have come to learn that this is a reasonable, but dangerous question. It is one of the questions I like to ask. It helps me understand a pregnant woman a little better – how she might be feeling, how much time she might have left to work, when I might be expecting to hear news of a baby. But from the point of view of the pregnant woman, I hate that question. I hate that question a little bit because I hate the idea of a due date in itself. I feel like in our society we equate “due date” with “best before date”, and knowing me, I’m going to go late. I’d rather not focus on the arbitrary date of January 12th, when I know that my baby is likely still going to be snug as a bug inside of me on that date. And honestly, I’m okay with that. But this frustration is secondary to the fear that grips me when someone asks me when I am due.
When someone asks me when I am due, I brace myself for the looks, and maybe even the words that will follow. I’m due in two months. And that shocks some people.
This is my third pregnancy to go beyond the first trimester. There are some things I have learned to expect from my body as it grows a baby. I knew to expect that I’d get large. My belly gets big during pregnancy. I was told that I was “big” when I birthed a 7 pound baby and when I birthed a 10 pound baby. I know that my body goes into overdrive as it prepares to give birth. My hips widen. My bum balloons. My boobs inflate. My womb pushes everything straight out (with maybe a little to the side too). My face and my ankles both begin to change shape. This is my pregnant reality. It doesn’t shock me.
“Oh!” Bathroom Lady exclaimed after I told her my due date. “That’s still a long way off! You’re so big! You’re going to have a big baby! Are you sure there aren’t two in there?”
Bam. Bam. Bam. Bam. Bathroom Lady just nailed almost every insensitive thing you can say to a pregnant woman and she did it without hardly taking a breath.
“Yes. I know.” I answered. Because really, what am I supposed to say? This woman certainly wasn’t trying to be malicious. Society just likes to share in the joy of pregnancy. I get that. But the words she chose sure had a way of sucking the joy right out of this experience.
You see, I really do love my pregnant body. Sure, I feel cumbersome and huge and I wish my face wouldn’t look as pregnant as it does. But really, pregnancy is one of the few times when I am able to fully embrace this body of mine as being strong and beautiful. My body is growing and sustaining a life. My pregnant belly moves and bounces and shifts with the child inside of it. My hips widen to make room to push this baby out with more power than I could ever imagine that I hold inside of me. My breasts grow to nourish the life of my previous little baby. The whole experience of pregnancy and childbirth is so amazing and wonderful and powerful, it radiates with beauty.
But we live in a world that distorts this perception of beauty. It glorifies a very specific type of body type – a body the that is very beautiful, yes, but not one that is very inclusive. We elevate smallness, perhaps to the detriment of the health of women and babies.
I know women – otherwise healthy women – who unilaterally decide to diet through pregnancy, without the direction of a doctor. I know women who fear large babies, enough that they schedule c-sections or inductions before they naturally go into labour, making the entire process perhaps more dangerous for themselves and their babies. I know women who are embarrassed by the weight of their incredibly healthy, and beautifully chubby babies; Babies who are perfect except for the fact that society has somehow deemed them “big”, and in every other instance, big means bad.
When we question someone’s due date and comment on their size relating to that date, we are working under some arbitrary image of what the ideal pregnant body image is. That is unfair to the woman who is pregnant and it is unfair to pregnant women everywhere. We are perpetuating an ideal that isn’t based on health. We fail to grasp that the changes a body goes through during pregnancy are necessary to support the extra effort that the body exerts through pregnancy and childbirth. We maintain a myth of beauty that doesn’t actually support many of the realities in pregnancy itself.
Our desire to share in the joy of this new life should not give anyone the right to comment on a woman’s body. If a woman is walking down the street and someone comments on the state of her body, that’s called street harassment. Being pregnant shouldn’t automatically make my body open to discussion by the general public.
Bathroom Lady had no idea the kind of day that I was having. She didn’t know that I had woken up early that day and that I was feeling incredibly exhausted. She could not have known about the headache that was pounding behind my eyes. Her words struck me at a weak point and I had a hard time holding back my tears afterwards. But what woman wouldn’t feel hurt if a stranger came up to her and commented on how “large” she was? My body isn’t open to discussion just like I am sure you do not want yours to be.
I want to talk about my pregnancy. I want to share this joyful experience with the world around me. But maybe instead of making judgement comments based on little more than some image of a perfect pregnancy we hold in our heads, let’s try to extend a little compassion. Bathroom Lady could have easily asked me how I was feeling. She could have congratulated me. She could have even told me how beautiful I am.
I don’t need to be lied to about my body. But maybe we can all start looking at pregnancy – all the realities of it – the big parts and the little parts and the extra parts – as beautiful. Because that body is doing amazing things and soon, there will be a new life to prove it.
If you’re pregnant, I want you to know that you’re beautiful. That body of yours, regardless of how much weight you’ve gained or how you’re carrying it or where it is showing, is a beautiful testament of love and life and strength.
*****
I want to reach out and thank all the people who do go out of their way to make pregnant women feel beautiful. Since this incident happened, I’ve heard and noticed the kind words people have directed my way, both by those who knew about the incident and those who didn’t. There are lots of people in this world who know how to help a pregnant woman love her body, and I want to make sure I mention that I notice you too. You make it easier to embrace this body.
Whoa! She really whipped a lot out for hardly a breath.
Sorry about that.
I tend to have the same “Yay, babies!” comment for all the pregnant people I meet. Or, here’s a shocker, I say nothing. Nothing is often a great way to go. ;)
I remember all too well.
It’s still very much a personal thing.
I think you are beautiful! That’s all.
Peady recently posted..And In The Morning, We Will Remember Them.
I love this post Laura and I absolutely agree! It is not someone’s place to comment on your body or the potential size of your baby etc. When I first saw this picture on your Facebook I was actually struck by how NOT tired you look, even though I’m sure you do feel very tired at times these days! Hope you guys had a restful holiday yesterday in the lovely weather :) if you ever need a kid break so you can nap, I’m sure Molly would love to play with your guys!
What is it about a round belly that makes people want to spew whatever comes to mind… without any filter?!
One of our lunch delivery people once told me that it looked like I had a big watermelon under my shirt… I smiled and said “thanks – the same goes for you!”… (he DID have a big round belly)… and I think that taught him a lesson – or at least I hope so.
You look beautiful and happy…
Tove Stakkestad recently posted..From Breast to Bottle, and Back – Without Tears!
The interesting thing to me is the way that we interpret pregnancy as giving the “green light” as a socially acceptable reason to comment on a women’s body. I never would imagine that the comments are intentionally malicious, but it still begs the question as to why people feel entitled to voice them in the first place.
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Beautifully written, and something a lot of people need to hear. One of my closest friends was pregnant this past year and it really opened my eyes. She had almost the opposite issue – her morning sickness was so severe her entire pregnancy that she had a really hard time putting on weight. People would exclaim over how tiny she was and encourage her to eat more, not realizing what a toll it was taking on her. I made an offhand remark about how tiny she was and my normally very chill friend just LOST it. And understandably so – she was feeling insecure and anxious about her ability to nourish her baby, as well as constantly nauseated, and she didn’t need subtle jabs from other people – even though they weren’t intended that way. Thanks for sharing, Laura.
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“…embarrassed by the weight of their incredibly healthy, and beautifully chubby babies…” Sigh. Been there. Growing #3 and trying not to be worried, but I’ll admit I’m terrified. Terrified of having to birth a 10lber and nervous about what people will say, like I did something wrong,
Thankful for this post and that I’m not alone :)
m.
Oh Mandi,
My 10 pounder was so very healthy and amazing. And now, he’s a perfectly well-proportioned little boy. His labour was easier than my 7 pounder (though my 7 pounder paved the way, it’s true). I would not hesitate to push out another 10 lbs baby, and might in fact get the chance to do just that.
But yes, people do say things. And when you hear it just once, it doesn’t mean much. But when you hear how “big” your baby is over and over, you start to feel like your baby isn’t as perfect as all the rest. It is hard to not let those words get to you. But if you DO have a 10 lbs baby, be proud that *you* carried that baby and *you* brought that baby into the world. The “normal” birth range for newborns is between 5.5 and 10lbs, which means people who feel like 8, 9, and 10lbs babies are somehow not normal are in the wrong.
Love to you and your perfect Baby #3.
Laura O’Rourke recently posted..What Not To Say to a Pregnant Woman
I remember LOVING my body while pregnant — the changes, the weight gain, the fact that above all else there was a person inside me and I was successfully sustaining that person’s life. Regardless of how I looked on the outside, I knew that inside, what was going on, was what was important enough to focus on. Bathroom Lady is clueless, although I agree she likely wasn’t intending to be rude. It’s just that as a society we put so much emphasis on commenting about everything we see that boundaries seem to be nonexistent. What’s worse is people who say these things (you look like you’re going to bust was one I got more than once) truly don’t think they’ve said anything inappropriate. But what they also seem to not get is that no one has the right to comment on another’s body outside of pregnancy, so doing so under the guise of a compliment (that isn’t one) related to the baby is just tacky and inconsiderate.
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Some people’s children….
Couth and graciousness are something a whole group of people are missing these days- not saying they are bad people, just no social graces.
You look gorgeous :)
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I am so sorry that the lady said that to you. People really need to think before they speak.
After I had my second I totally get it. He was considered a “big” baby. And he wasn’t big by any means. He may have been a wee bit chubbier than his older brother was. But everywhere we went, “aww look how big he is!” Even when I went to visit my brother in ON when Little was 9 months old I bought him his first pair of real shoes and an older lady said, “aww look at that big baby! And his big shoes!” Oy.
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I looked very much like you while pregnant with Katie. I look back at my maternity pics I had done with her and my belly was quite big and I was about 33 weeks, I think. In other words, I know about these comments too. And you’re SO right, we would not comment on a woman’s un-pregnant body that way so I do not understand why we do it when they ARE pregnant. I think you look amazing and happy and perfect! Keep growing that sweet little baby until you’re both ready! The main thing I see is your beautiful smile! :)
The only thing anyone should say to a pregnant woman pertaining to her looks is that she looks fabulous. :)
It reminds me though of when I was in the hospital on bed rest at almost 31 weeks, and the doctor walked in, looked at me, looked at my chart, and said, “Oh, it IS you! You just look so small for having twins!” Of course knowing I would deliver any day now, that was NOT what I wanted to hear. :)
Leigh Ann recently posted..David Sedaris drew my butt (and other observations)
Pregnant bellies are like magnets for touching AND dumb comments! This made me think, though, of when we were talking last January, and I was *so* hoping there’d be a third in your immediate future. I’m so glad there is! You radiate.
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I don’t understand why people say the things they do. It’s like they don’t have a filter between their heads and mouths. I think all pregnant women are beautiful.
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I think there is something about being pregnant that makes people think they can just comment on someone else’s body in ways they wouldn’t otherwise. I think that we all should just think. There are so many positive things to say about bringing a new little person into the world!
Beautiful – love the photos! I remember when I was around 32 weeks – I shared an elevator ride with someone who joked that they were afraid to be alone in the elevator with me in case I went into labour!