Every year, November rolls around and I briefly consider taking a good hard look at my writing practices. November has been on my radar as National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo) for years, and I am constantly tempted to have a reason to wake up each morning and type out some 1000 words a day in efforts to create something artful out of nothing. Because yes, someday I do want to write something for publishing. I want to write something that can be held and flipped through in long form. I want it to be good and I want it to be read and I want it to be wanted. But I’m not ready to start yet. To be ready to start, I’d need an idea. (And time. Time would be useful too).
Just because I’m not writing a novel doesn’t mean I can’t still write. This is something I’ve known for my entire life. What started as personal journal writing as a child turned into something that can actually reach public consumption when I decided to start blogging over ten years ago.
But my blog has been relatively quiet these days. I’ve started focusing on only what I absolutely need to focus on, because this third pregnancy is getting tough. My husband keeps questioning if I need to go back to the doctor and talk about how tired I am, but I keep reminding him that this is what pregnancy looks like when you have a full time job and two kids already at home. (And also low blood pressure and low iron). I understand his concern. During my pregnancy with Gavin, my low blood pressure resulted in a serious concussion after I fainted. But this is just what pregnancy looks like in my situation. It is big and exhausting. So I do what I need to do, and I sleep when I can. Which means I’m left with very little – or perhaps no – time or mental energy to write.
But, I really miss writing. Like, I really miss it. I feel like I’ve lost a good friend – or maybe a limb. I’ve been quite sad over the last few days, thinking about how much I miss the act of getting something out through this form that is meaningful to me and to others. I miss the act of sitting down, finding my voice, and expressing myself. I miss it so much. But I haven’t been doing that lately.
This isn’t an apology. I hate blogger apologies; those “Let me just come here and write a non-post about why I haven’t been posting.” I write for a lot of reasons, but mostly, (as I’ve particularly realized lately), I write for me. So I don’t want to apologize to you. But maybe, just a little bit, I want to apologize to me: the me who is grieving for this outlet that I haven’t turned to in a while.
So, I would be lying if I said I didn’t seriously consider participating in NaNoWriMo’s spin-off initiative: NaBloPoMo (National Blog Posting Month). A blog post every day for a month? I could do that. Heck, maybe I should just try to write every day for a month, whether I post or not. Goodness knows I wouldn’t even need to use prompts, there is so much that I’ve been wanting to say over the last little bit. It would be so good to write. My mind raced all day on November 1st as I considered this possibility, and I tried hard to seek out a time and a place (and a cooperative mind-space) to write something that day.
I went to bed without writing even a sentence.
My heart broke, but I also breathed a sigh of relief. I just can’t do it right now. I’m in a period of life where I need to be very gentle on myself. I have needed to be careful to avoid expecting too much from myself. My body’s telling me to do less these days.
Those words swimming around my head aching to be let out through my typing fingers might be lost forever, but new words will replace them as my life continues on at this wicked fast pace.
Some days I dream about the life that I will have one day: a life where I don’t have children climbing on me constantly and demanding my attention. I dream about having more freedom over my time. I dream about being able to get the words out whenever they hit, even if that is 10am on a weekday. But I don’t want to rush through this part of my life. My writing is constantly interrupted now, but that two year old who was just crying for a hug won’t be wanting a hug forever.
I miss writing, but I’ll miss this too. I can always write. But this life buzzing around me won’t stay still for a minute. And this life? These lives? Are something I created too.
It’s so good of you to realize this!! I hope when I am expecting, and working and tired I handle it with the grace that you do.
As for a novel…..I get SO much out of your blog! Especially when it comes to marriage, choosing to love, dealing when a partner has a career change etc. you could write a guide to loving or marriage survival.
We’re currently in the process of looking to buy a house and it’s SO stressful. Your blog is the first place I came, to find your posts about when you were buying.
I do believe that there are times for things. I think that you are listening to your body and knowing that this is the time to be gentle with yourself. You need rest and perhaps a daily challenge isn’t in the card this year – but it may be some other time.
I briefly considered NaBloPoMo too. I thought maybe committing to posting everyday would help me to actually finish a post and publish it, rather than hanging on to them forever – which seems to be my thing lately. I decided I didn’t need the pressure right now, either.
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Take care of you and what’s important (family). The rest will fall into place when it’s meant to!
I love you and your writing so much. You can take all the time off you need and those who love you (and your writing) will still be here when you come back. And so will your writing. You have such a passion inside of you Laura, you can’t hide that away. Now is the time for family. Your dream of having al the time in the world to write will come soon enough, when they get older. I remember this frustration, and now of course I miss those days, when they needed me all the time! Hugs.
Laura Snow recently posted..An Interview with Subway’s Commit To Fit Ambassador Carl (Giveaway)
Right now, self-care is the most important – you’re growing a human being!
Alison recently posted..Raffy
That last little paragraph? Nail it. this is what’s important right now and when the time is right you’ll write more again. xoxox
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Tough choices but you have to take care of you, the one you are growing and the one you already have! I’ve BTDT with 3 nd working FT and pregnancy.
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Love this! You have a gift and I love that you write for you – that’s the best. I know what you mean about feeling off when not writing. I need to get the words out and when I don’t I feel like there’s something missing in my life. Take your time and be gentle with yourself. We’ll be here :)
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I’m glad you haven’t taken on another thing, because I know how full and exhausting your life is right now. There will be more Novembers (and Decembers, and Januarys…). Get some rest. :)
Laura, you’ve done the right thing. I’m going to stay to you what I say to people in my yoga classes (because really, yoga is suppose to be in your whole life, not just on the mat). The hardest part of yoga isn’t balance or flexibility, it’s letting go. Letting go of your expectations, letting go of your ego, letting go of those preconceived notions and tuning into yourself and doing what your body needs you to do in this moment.
And for you, your body most certainly needs to rest. It might make you long for writing and anything else you feel you are missing out on right now but you need to be kind to yourself. You are growing a human inside of you, and that is not easy business! Writing isn’t going anywhere and will be there to greet you when you are ready for it, but being pregnant with this baby will only be your reality for a short time so take care of you both and the rest will sort itself out. If you need to write, maybe go back to an old fashioned journal for a bit knowing that only your eyes will see it might take some of the pressure off having to “create” and you can just let the words flow.
Lots of hugs!!
Suzi recently posted..Dare2Give And Make Canada A Better Place
You were so right. We totally ARE on the same page. Taking a step back is a good thing. I’m glad you realize the need to be kind to yourself. Maybe if we practice it every day it will become a habit and one day we won’t even have to think about it. It will just be natural.
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Glad you are doing what is best for you right now. It may be hard not to write by forgive yourself as you will write when you can.
Denise recently posted..Five Things #NaBloPoMo
I love this! So well written. I often find it hard to find the balance and sadly sometimes I choose the wrong one. Thank you for the reminder that “that two year old who was just crying for a hug won’t be wanting a hug forever.” Those were words I needed to hear tonight. Take care of yourself and your babies. xo
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I totally get this so much. But you are wise to not take on too much. Take care of yourself, enjoy your kiddos and you will write again and it will fill you up again.