The plan had been to meet at the pool at four, let the kids swim, order pizza, and then Alice would take my two girls and one son home with her for a sleepover. The original goodbye play date had been to meet at Six Flags two days prior. But my kids weren’t ready to say goodbye, and when I went to Alice’s house Saturday morning to take mine home after the sleepover, they were no more ready to say goodbye then, either.
I wound up taking two of Alice’s children back home with me for lunch and an afternoon at the beach. We were prolonging the inevitable, and deviating from the plan, but I didn’t mind.
I’ve learned to deviate from the plan a lot this summer. Let kids play longer and later, letting the play dates last hours past their bedtimes. I want them to have this time with their friends. I want them to have these memories. We form bonds from shared memories.
This weekend, I am relocating my family from New Jersey to an island on the North Carolina coast. Much of the past month, my children and I have been on what I’ve referred to as the “goodbye tour.” There have been play dates and farewell parties and girls nights out for me, with my “besties.” I’ve wanted my children and myself to have that one last meet up with those who matter to us.
I also want my children to know that while these are goodbyes, they are only “goodbyes for now.” Those who matter to us will always be our friends, no matter where we live.
I have never taken friendship lightly. There is a very good chance that if you were my friend twenty years ago, you’re still my friend now, and an even better chance if that you’re my friend now, you will be my friend twenty years from today. If you are someone who matters to me, you can live on any continent on planet earth and I’ll find a way to stay in touch. I may even find a way to pay you a visit.
Typically, in my life, I have been the one who has “stayed” while others have “moved,” and while I was always sad for an increased physical distance between a good friend and me, I’ve never minded making the effort to keep that friend in my life. This time, I’m the one leaving. I’m the one who is comforting friends who are sad about my departure and unsure whether or not I will be willing to stay in touch.
I know the only way to prove to the friends that I am leaving behind that I am loyal is to prove to them that I am loyal. I need to make the effort to call and send emails and Facetime and Skype. I need to take the time to make the communication personal. For all of the convenience that social media provides, there is a mighty divide between my Facebook friends and my real friends. The real friends are the ones who find out what’s going on in my life through me, and not my status update. The real friends get a personal message versus a group message. The real friends get my undivided time and attention versus a click of a “like” button. This move will not only reinforce these values for me, but it will be an opportunity for me to hand them down to my children.
There is almost nothing more valuable to me than real, live, human friendship.
Alice and I sit on the beach Saturday evening, watching our six children build sandcastles and climb rocks and jump waves. We look at the time and go back to talking. We look at the time and take photos. We look at the time, and ultimately know that it’s time to go.
We walk slowly to our cars. I allow my children to jump into her minivan for five more minutes of togetherness. We promise them a Facetime call when we get home.
I hug Alice and cry, not because it’s a goodbye forever, but out of gratitude for the amazing friend she has been to me.
Twenty years from now, I’ll be dancing at Alice’s daughter’s wedding. I wouldn’t miss it, no matter where I live.
You are an amazing woman! It makes me sad now that I haven’t taken the time to nurture the friendships in my life and that they’ve slowly drifted away until there is nothing more. Perhaps it’s never too late to rebuild. Wishing you much love, luck and happiness in this new chapter of your life.
Carla recently posted..My Boys
I don’t think it’s ever too late to rebuild a friendship if both parties are willing. As much ambivalence as I have about Facebook, it has put me back in touch with some old friends whose friendships I’ve been able to rekindle. I hope you can get those friendships back if you so desire, and thank you for your good wishes! xo
Ilene recently posted..A Sort of Goodbye but Not Really
This is lovely, Ilene. There is definitely a sadness that comes with goodbye, even when it is not forever. Those friendships that endure and flourish despite time and distance? Those are priceless gifts. I wish you all the best on your big move!
Kim@Co-Pilot Mom recently posted..Slipping Away
Thank you Kim and I 100% agree that those friendships that endure beyond time ans distance are priceless!
I didn’t realize until the end that it wasn’t Laura writing and I was so surprised to read that she was moving so far away. duh!
I’ve moved a lot too and still keep in touch with many of the friends from my past.
Lady Jennie recently posted..Honoring Mothers
I’m glad you’ve kept in touch with those friends. There is no reason that a good friend can’t be a good friend for life!
Ha! Sorry about that Jennie! I tried to make it clear with the header.
Laura O’Rourke recently posted..An Empty Fridge
Those good-byes, even though they are just “for now”, are still hard. But true friends are true friends no matter where you are.
another jennifer recently posted..Wordless Wednesday: Random Downeast Maine Photos
So true, Jen! Those goodbyes are hard but there is comfort in knowing that my best friends today are my best friends for life!
Ilene recently posted..A Sort of Goodbye but Not Really
Simply beautiful in every way. And you have just reminded me that I need to call some old friends. :)-Ashley
I hope you called them, my dear! Those old friends are precious!
Ilene recently posted..A Sort of Goodbye but Not Really
I think that anyone who you call a friend, is lucky indeed, Ilene.
Best of luck this weekend with the move! Be safe. xo
Alison recently posted..Old School Blogging: The Fridge Edition aka ACK!
Oh, Alison, that is such a sweet thing to say. And thank you for your well wishes on my move. xo
Ilene recently posted..A Sort of Goodbye but Not Really
So lovely, Ilene.
I also believe that goodbyes don’t have to be forever. When I moved from Colorado back to Germany my best friend stayed behind – and 20 years later she is still my best friend.
I’ll be thinking of you this weekend – can’t wait to read all about it and see your new place!
xoxo
Kerstin @ Auer Life recently posted..Counting Stars
I am so glad that you believe in “doing” friendship this way, too Kerstin! Friendship is a precious gift – never to be taken for granted. It’s obvious that you get that. And thank you for your well wishes on our move. xo
Ilene recently posted..A Sort of Goodbye but Not Really
I am crying a little – just thinking of the times I’ve been the one to leave, and the times it was others. On my first night in San Francisco after 27 years in New Jersey, my friend sent a shout-out to me over the radio, through 3,000 miles, from Lindsay’s voice. We were listening to WDHA on the computer. The song was, “Into The Great Wide Open.” I cried for two days after that – but I was making a startling realization. If I could hear Lindsay’s voice say my friend Nora’s words, 3,000 miles away – well technology could help to bridge that gap in my heart that geography can’t always fulfill.
But I agree that those real-life and real-time moments are pretty darn important, and they will happen.
Tamara recently posted..Head and Heart Places.
Oh, Tamara, now I”m crying too! That is such a lovely memory to share with me, and what a perfect song. And you are right, nothing beats real life moments, but I am so grateful for the bridge that technology can provide!
Ilene recently posted..A Sort of Goodbye but Not Really
I love this! I’ve never even met you, but I can tell you are loyal and such a good friend. I’ve lived in the same state, same county for my entire life, so I can’t imagine leaving, but the thought crosses my mind every once in awhile. Sounds like you have had an amazing summer – I hope you and the kids have a good transition and quickly make new friends in North Carolina.
Kerry recently posted..Seeking an Answer in the “Mommy Wars” Media – Not I
Thank you Kerry! I have had an amazing summer and so many great memories for the kids and me. And here’s to the new friends that i hope to make in NC. xo
I have those friends. And I love them forever. Such friends are worth more than money.
That said.
ISLAND???
Holy hell, why didn’t I realize this sooner. ISLAND???? I’ve officially gone from “admiring” to “outright jealous” in the last few seconds. Dear God I love islands. The only thing better would be one in the Gulf of Mexico. I salute you and your island, and I know you will make it a haven for everyone who comes to visit you there.
Jester Queen recently posted..I don’t wear them at night
Yes! I would love visitors! My floor is open to old friend and new friends and blogging friends any time. And yes, Island. I am so very very lucky.
This was beautiful Ilene! Real friends remain forever. I live on the other side of the country from my college roommates (one of whom I have known this 7th grade) and we are still close. Even if we don’t talk for months, we can pick right back up where we left off. I wish you only the best with your move – I have a good feeling it’s going to be a wonderful adventure for you!! Hugs!
Michelle recently posted..How to Keep Your Audience Engaged with Facebook Insights
Those are the best kinds for friendships – the ones where you can pick up where you left off. I am lucky to have those too. Friendship is such a gift. I am so glad to be able to call you an IRL friend as well now!
What a beautiful post and sweet tribute to your friends!!! I have moved many times and have a few friends from each location/era that I have kept up with (many more that I haven’t). Over the past few years I’ve realized that it is my local friendships that have been neglected – kids activities, work…..I haven’t made the effort I should. Thank you for the reminder of how important it is to make the effort!!!
Kim recently posted..When you Make a Mistake, Make a Good One!!
Friendships take time and work and nurturing…like a garden. And it’s not always easy to find that time. But I do believe that the most important friendships can withstand some neglecting form time to time and flourish despite. Because the deepest friendships are the ones where we can pick up exactly where we left off.
And this is why I love you! I knew from the beginning that when you love someone, you love with your whole heart. I knew that when we entered each other’s journey, it wouldn’t be fleeting. You my dear are what all friends should be made of. I can’t wait to see you again!
AnnMarie recently posted..Everyone Has Stuff
Oh, my friend. I can’t wait to see you again either, and yes, I am whole heart and in it for the long haul. I don’t know how else to be even though sometimes my “whole heart” gets hurt, I don’t think I’d really want to be any other way. So glad we share this journey.
Thank you for your friendship. I love you Ilene. And you’ve made me cry all over again. But I love you and your kids and there’s no way I’m letting go. BFFs xoxo
I love you too my friend. And there is no goodbye for us, ever. So lucky to have you as a BFF.
Ilene recently posted..A Sort of Goodbye but Not Really
This is just beautiful Ilene. Agree with Alison that anyone who can call you a friend is very lucky indeed. And 100% agree with this: There is almost nothing more valuable to me than real, live, human friendship. Yes, yes, yes!!
Good luck with your move & safe travels!
Nicole @ Work in Sweats Mama recently posted..The Happy Medium
Thank you Nicole. And I am so touched and humbled by your words as well as Alison’s. There is almost nothing more valuable to me than friendship. xo
Ilene recently posted..A Sort of Goodbye but Not Really
It’s nice when we find those friendships that miles can’t divide.
Leighann recently posted..iPPP – Soaking in the Moments
Those friendships that miles, distance, and time can’t divide are priceless!
I have had friendships come and go, but there are the ones that last despite the distance. You might not be physically close, but emotions and shared history keep you together. Best of luck with the move, Ilene!
Bev recently posted..Embracing My Pregnant Body
Thank you Bev! And you are right – it’s the emotions and shared history that keeps those ties close, despite the distance.
Wow. Powerful words, Ilene. I have trouble with friendships. I tend to live in the now and if you’re out of sight, you’re out of mind. But at the same time, if I give you respect and friendship and you give me the same, I always consider you a friend–no matter how long it’s been.
You did good by your kids and I can tell anyone to earn your friendship has a treasure.
Michael Lombardi recently posted..Dying In Your Sleep Isn’t As Much Fun When It Happens To You
Thank you Michael. I fall into that out of sight out of mind trap too at times, but like you said, I think the most important aspect of a great friendship is being able to go back to that friendship no matter how long it’s been. I hope I can instill this in my kids. For all of the not great habits I may pass down, this one is a not bad habit, for sure!
Ilene recently posted..A Sort of Goodbye but Not Really
Ilene, first fantastic heart warming post as always. I love that you touched doing things in real life versus just clicking on the like button. That Facebook can be super impersonal at times. I have no doubt that you will maintain those relationships and who knows, maybe you will be closer from afar.
Nellie @ Brooklyn Active Mama recently posted..Weekly Wednesday Workout: Oblique Crunches
Facebook – ah, my love hate relationship with Facebook. The benefit is it’s convenient – and the drawback is it’s convenient. I don’t want friendship to be convenient. I want it to be heartfelt and everlasting. Let’s hear it for face time versus “Facetime” and doing more than clicking the like button to maintain our friendships!
What a great friend you are! So many people don’t put forth the effort and as we age I know it gets hard to make time for one another but it is still important. It’s always hard to say goodbye in certain transitions in our life. But it doesn’t have to be goodbye!
Natalie recently posted..The Birthday Bash
Exactly Natalie! The goodbye never really has to be a goodbye. Maybe a physical goodbye but my friends will be my friends forever – despite time and distance.
I feel so fortunate to have friendships like these, friendships who survive and prosper despite the miles. Goodbyes can be temporary, for sure. Best of luck with your move, Ilene – and may you have many new hellos in your new town!
Dana recently posted..Full of possibilities
Thank you Dana! I love hellos! And I will also love to nurture those friendships that will continue to prosper despite the miles!
Ilene recently posted..A Sort of Goodbye but Not Really
Good byes are always so hard – but we can choose whether they are final or not. Sounds like you are a pretty amazing friend, and have surrounded yourself with other great people. So, you will just broaden your circle now and make new friends and your life will be so much richer. Your children will also benefit meeting new friends and seeing you set the example of how to stay connected with the old. Happy and safe travels!
Leah recently posted..I Hate That I’m Hated
Thank you Leah. I am so very lucky to be surrounded by a group of amazing friends and even luckier that I will be able to take them with me, wherever I go.
Ilene recently posted..A Sort of Goodbye but Not Really
I was always the one who watched people go too, while growing up, I never moved. But we left our home four years ago and it was really hard for me at first. I have kept in touch with many of my friends though, and the internet does make it easier. I hope the transition is good for you. REALLY good friends are somewhat hard to come by… xoxo
Elaine A. recently posted..By Searching
Thank you Elaine! Really good friends are hard to come by which is why I will do whatever I can to stay in touch with those who matter to me – as you have!
Just beautiful. You’re both so lucky (as are you children!) to have such a bond. It’s also lovely to see you cherish it.
Allie recently posted..NEED A BIT OF ENERGY?
Thank you Allie. We are so very to have friends that we will miss – and also lucky that they will be friends forever.
Ilene recently posted..A Sort of Goodbye but Not Really
This made me cry. I was always the one to move around; being a military brat was never something I appreciated until roughly around the time I went away for college. I’ve held on to the friendships of those I was closest to. I still, to this day, have a friendship with my 2nd grade best friend I left behind in the keys. 24 years of friendship. I have only one best friend (aside from my husband, sisters, and mother)…she’s the Godmother to my youngest daughter, and has been a strong force in my life since the first day of class my freshman year in college. I see her every six months when she travels from CT to VA to see me (us), and I can tell you right now…I see her more often than I see most of my family. I don’t take friendship lightly. Too often I find they’re taken for granted…so when I have good ones, I hold on tightly and I love with all I am. I love your heart, Ilene. I’m always so moved by your writing…and I know it comes straight from within. Good luck with your new home and new start. I’m only a state away if you ever want to visit the mountains. ;)
Melissa @ Live, Love, & Run recently posted..On waiting…impatiently.
And I love your heart too, Melissa. And that in this blogging world, I get to call you an old friend. And a true friend. I’ve hung onto those friendships tightly as you have with your bestie. There are no replacements for friends like this. We live in a world where everything seems more disposable than ever, but it’s not. The good friends remind me of that. And I love that you are only a state away. I may take you up on that visit. xo
Ilene recently posted..A Sort of Goodbye but Not Really
Ilene, this made me tear up! You have the kindest heart.
Best of luck on your move! xo
Shell recently posted..Back to School Video Traditions: Join In!
Thanks girl! And can’t wait to come see you! xxoo
Yes, please! :)
Shell recently posted..Back to School Video Traditions: Join In!
As always, absolutely beautiful. I can imagine it must be difficult, to watch your children be sad about leaving their friends and to have to say goodbye yourself. But good things sometimes hurt a little. And what I’ve come to realize is that if we can make friends with women we’ve never met in person and come to love them, then we can stay friends with those we already loved, even when we can’t see them in person as often.
Stevie recently posted..Life With Alex
Last May after living in the same house for 7 years we said goodbye to family and friends and moved 1350+ miles away and it tore me apart to leave and to take my kids from the only home and people they really remember. I too place a very high value on friendships and have many people who have stood beside me thru thick and thin ore than half of our lives. This is beautiful.
Robbie recently posted..Re-Entry
You are a good friend. I have moved so many times and lost touch with friends, only to regret that loss so many years later. But social media has been a gift. To reconnect and have a second chance at re-establishing those friendships – heaven!
Andrea recently posted..DIY Photo Album
Andrea I totally agree that social media has given me the chance to reconnect with some old friends whom otherwise, I would have lost contact with completely. And some are in real life friends again, which is heaven for sure!